Every time I make a post I try to add as many jokes and punchlines as I can without ruining the meaning or the message (if any) behind them, however as a result to that there are plenty of jokes that I throw to the side be it because they don't fit or a i scrambled the post altogether leaving behind a list of unused jokes that individually wouldn't be good enough for a post, but collectively I hope they'd be good enough.

Pun Direction

Ever since I joined COM and I've been envious of one person, @diebitch has impressed me the most with her puns and I decided to write a pun related entry that I ended up throwing out. Here's the bit I've written.

So my dad decided to cook the other day, he intended to keep it as a secret so he surprises us with the food, however the kettle started making that loud noise when it boils and he rushed to stop and made an ever louder noise and it gave him away, I guess he could have used more settled tea. He made us pasta but it wasn't well done and smelled weird as it knead-ed more thyme. My dad used an old cooking book to make that horrible pasta and halfway through cooking he tore the book in half because it was tear-able and despite his will to cook for us he was tired of mixing, dough. And usually my dad sings when makes sandwiches, but this time it wasn't the same as it was more of a wrap. So we decided to help him cook seeing that he burnt his tongue while tasting the side fries and his muscles got tired and he was like an avenger because he was "Feeling Thor" so we all got into the kitchen to help him out, it was so hot that my sister turned on the fan we had and played a song called "One thing" by a British/Irish pop band and I remember being angry at my sister because I really hate One direction fans and I was hot too but it the fan was only directed at her, plus very stupid when it comes to the kitchen and she asked my dad what she should use to make eggs to which he replied "A pan, da!"

But after that we had the lunch and started watching highlights from world cup matches like a family #goals

One more fat verse

Two months ago I wrote a lyrical parody of couple of songs titled "Fat" to which I originally wrote 4 verses for and ended up going with three plus the first verse of Eminem's "Lose yourself", so here are the other verse.

(Verse 1) LMFAO (Sexy and I know it)

Well it's passed dinner time
Everyone's outside the toilet in a big ass line
Bladder out of control
Peeing everything with cheese and coke
They wait for me to finish crapping
And here it smells like a nuclear bombing happened

Girl look at that belly
Like a bowl full of jelly
As seen on the telly
It sticks out
I'm growing out boobs
Such a fat dude
I even fart out food
And I chew loud

My doctor told me
I have diabetes
I still order all my food from KFC
I have a 13 inch D..... Tummy
And I'm not afraid to own it, grow it, show it
I'm a fatty and I know it

True funny stories starred by my grandfather

Back when my grandfather was just a teen he ran away from Basra (south of Iraq) to Baghdad by hopping on the top of a bus and spend about 10 hours under a burning southern sun the bus stopped in an unofficial bus station, the station had a toilet that he used and stood outside of it to figure out his next step as he had no one in Baghdad. A man walked to him and asked him if this was the bathroom and my grandfather told him that it was, however before the man went in my grandfather actually for a bathroom fee (which equals about 10 cents in today's money), and then my grandfather stood outside the bathroom for 5 hours collecting bathroom fees, then he actually went to a tree on the side and picked a big stick and walked toward the people waiting for buses and charged them a waiting fee. At 13-15 years old my grandfather hustled over a hundred people for a total of 13 dollars which was enough to afford months at a hotel. However he had his ass kicked when he took it a step too far and started asking drivers for fees forgetting that those people spent years working at that bus station.

Fast forward years later my grandfather got married and few weeks after marriage he took her to a famous place in Iraq that sells the Iraqi version of cupcakes and grape juice the place was called "Hajj Zbala" literal translation of that is Hajj = Muslim pilgrim and Zbala = garbage. So a pilgrim named garbage was the best place he could think off for a romantic date. As she was drinking the grape juice she looked at him and said that the juice tastes like a bull's piss to which he replied "You've tasted bull's piss before?" and that without exaggeration marked the last ever time the two went out to a place together. Last time I asked him about it was when he was 78 and he still remembered that day clearly even despite him forgetting most of offspring names.

Porn problems

This one was something I took out from my last entry My Quest for the Perfect Porn it also a response to @doomsdaychassis' comment.

Another problem is this I have with porn is the depiction, I mean you see a beautiful chick with big boobs and a guy sucking on her nipples and you get turned on before he goes down on her and pulls out her pants and a big dick shows up

The video does a complete 180 as the guy starts sucking the girl's dick, and you're holding your dick like

Those videos offend me personally, not because those people shouldn't be doing porn, I can live with Asian guys having bigger dick than mine but come on! Girls can't have bigger dicks than mine.

I nominate @holybranches and @jesus because why not.