Flower In The Snow - A Suicide Story
In February 2001 my aunt committed suicide. She froze herself to death. It’s been 16 years, but every time I revisit this event it is painful. I’m sitting here crying right now as I begin to write. I haven’t really thought of this for a few years now. No more than if the subject comes up acknowledging that I have had suicide hit close to home. It’s easier if you keep it at arms length.
A recent post by @scooter77 brought this topic back to the forefront for me. His post can be found here https://steemit.com/life/@scooter77/losing-a-friend-male-suicide-the-silent-killer-what-signs-to-look-for He’s right, people do need to be aware of the warning signs of suicide. And those close to someone who committed suicide may need help dealing with the loss.
It’s more than loss really. A death of someone close is always painful, whether it was a sudden accident or a drawn out illness.But with suicide there is something indescribably more. The looming question why? The question of could you have done something. The questions.
A little background, my Aunt lived out of state, and growing up I had only seen her on a handful of occasions. But have you ever had any people in your life that you may not see often, or even know very well, but there is something about them that draws you to them, something that you might not be able to explain, but they hold a special place in your heart? My Aunt was one of those people for me. She’d had a hard life, was a victim of sexual abuse as well as verbal and physical abuse, but she always had a smile for me. We connected in some inexplicable way.
I can remember talking to her on the phone probably 4-5 months before she died, killed herself. I was telling her about something important to me and she was encouraging me. I don’t know why but she called me princess that day, no one has called me that either before or since, but when she did, somehow it was genuine and felt awesome. It gave ma pause even on the phone in the moment. It was her that made sure I got my grandmothers guitar I mentioned in this post https://steemit.com/life/@aboutyourbiz/you-can-do-a-lot-if-your-want-to-is-big-enough
My Aunt had made one attempt at suicide in January, before she was successful in February. She had gone outside, they lived on a few acres, and she was drunk and passed out. She had hoped to die then, but woke up and dragged herself back into the house. My mom, her sister, was planning a trip up to stay with her for a while, but she didn’t get there in time.
The second time, she had apparently put more thought in to it. She drove a few miles up the road one evening, they were in a rural area, and pulled off to the side of the road. She laid out a blanket on the snow, there at the side of the road, and laid down. She took some sleeping pills, took off all of her clothes, folded them neatly beside her, and laid down. She wasn’t found until the next day.
She struggled with insecurity and many other issues, but she, as I understood it, had been in counseling and was seeking God for answers and peace in her life. I had trouble deciphering what may have happened to her after her death. I grew up in church so on the one hand I believed she was a Christian and had Jesus in her life, and on the other she gave up and murdered (so to speak) herself. We always hear that suicide is an unpardonable sin and there is obviously no chance for repentance from that sin once you’re gone, so I was distraught as to what to think.
A day or two after she had passed, in a time of deep sorrow, I put pen to paper and the following belched out of me:
FLOWER IN THE SNOW
Broken Flower in the snow,
out of place, now out of time.
Heaven weeps for the fallen.
Wounded spirit never healing,
yearning, longing unfulfilled.
Elusive happiness stands waiting,
love all around unseen.
Lies swarming inside your head,
stinging your soul, blinding your eyes.
Muffled cries escape your core, indistinguishable.
Nocturnal groans swallowed.
Hopelessness invades, suffocating,
anger and bitterness rage.
The storm inside does not abate,
freedom never comes.
Feeling used and discarded you throw yourself away,
but promised black nothingness does not exist.
Fragile Flower fading softly, silence falling in the frosty forest,
remnant of life left behind.
Pangs of sorrow overwhelming,
questions left unanswered.
Pain caused by a chasm created,
broken hearts left scattered.
Beam of light breaks through the clouds,
reaching through the darkness.
Creator of life lovingly, gently,
lifts the crushed Flower from the snow.
While writing this helped me heal and grieve her loss, it would be better if she were still here.
This has not been easy for me to write. I have shared more than I ever have before. I was hesitant to do this because it’s a lot of pain to open up for no one to read. If you have read this far, thank you, really.
I hope this can help at least one person. I’ve been told the poem above, or what ever you would call it might help others. I don’t know. My mom was asked if I would let a suicide survivor group use it, I did, but that’s all I know. Hopefully it has helped some in that group.
(Courtesty of @son-of-satire)
Photos from https://www.pexels.com
That is a heart wrenching story and a beautiful poem. Thank you for pouring out your heart and telling you story. It is the hardest thing sometimes. I hope sharing makes this easier for you.
Thanks for reading it, and writing your own post. You know. I hope it helps someone.
This is truly heart-breaking. I know the darkness well enough to have considered such a decision. Thankfully there always remained a tiny spark of hope that tomorrow would be better. Some days are. Some days aren't. Those are the days when I take it one breath at a time. You aunt forgot she had a spark. Unfortunately this tragic story plays out too often and it's so important to speak up, reach out, and be present of those around us. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for reading it.
One thing a friend of mine told me once about when she had gone through her own very dark time, someone came to her house when she was in a really bad funk and made her make a cake for her neighbor. She told me that the simple act of doing something for someone else helped her. We all need to try to remember that.
I'm reminded of a time when my parents owned a bar in a pretty bad neighborhood. I was 17 or 18 at the time bartending and a man came in. I recognized him as a patron but hadn't seen him in a long while...and he looked terrible. Pale, too skinny. You got the sense he was dying...and the sad part is, he was. In the early 90s, AIDS made you an untouchable and I dared to hold his hand and just talk to him. Found out it was going to be his birthday in a few days and I made him promise to come back on that day. I baked a cake and we shared it with all the patrons. He died less than a month later but one of the last things he told me was that it was the nicest thing anyone ever did for him. It broke my heart.
To this day I remember his name. SEAN.
To this I would ask you, when you write about your aunt - and I really hope you do - tell us her name. You are her living legacy and the keeper of her stories - good and bad, okay?
Dammit, I thought I had everything all neatly put back away and you had to go and say that! lol
I don't know if I will write about her again, but I will keep that in mind.
Um...
LOL
In truth, I have a very hard time writing stories about my dad. It takes a toll on me, and usually a box of tissue...and a day to recover from the emotional roller coaster. I get it.
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I hope this means people will get to read the post, although I have a sneaking suspicion I'm talking to a bot, lol
I upvoted it for you through the #minnowsupportproject. Head on over there and have a chat with people if you have time. Join up and get a little bit of exposure for your posts.
Friend,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I write with tears in my eyes.
You're poem is a beautiful expression of the pain and sorrow, such grief that I believe only Jesus/God can heal. I pray such healing will be yours.
Speaking very personally, I do not accept "the party line" that suicide is an unpardonable sin. God, who is rich in mercy, is the initiator who reaches out to us even when we are unable and unwilling to help ourselves.
Thank you for sharing this tragic story with us.
😄😇😄
Thank you. My views since then have changed a lot, but that's a topic for another day.
I would also like to say I have seen your responses to a couple other posts, but I'm at work on my phone and the esteem app has quirks. I can't reply to them for some reason, so I will have to wait until I can on my computer.
Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Working with high school students I unfortunately have to ask some hard questions sometimes when I sense red flags. Death by Suicide is heartbreaking, especially for the survivors. I pray you will find healing as you continue to explore your grief.
Thank you for taking the time to read it and sharing your thoughts. It means a lot when people do.
I have an urge to hug you. Death is so hard for all involved - even more so in the event of a suicide. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so open.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Time does heal, revisiting and old wound can hurt. But I guess it can be worth it sometimes because those that have gone on still need to be remembered, at least as long as those who can remember them are around. I guess we all finally slip away when those who knew us are gone. Wow, never thought of that before.
I have had a friend kill themselves and a few family members pass that have affected me in unimaginable ways. I too had an uncle, he was only maybe 10 years older than me, but we had that inexplicable connection you speak of and he died in a car accident. That was very hard for me to deal with for some reason even though we weren't extremely close.
Death is a weird thing to deal with. You'd think we would be better at itsince everything living does die...
Powerful post. I'm sorry for your loss and that it's still affecting you so harshly today.
Sorry I missed this. Thank you for reading. Sorry for the loss of your uncle too. That connection is more of a rare thing.
It's okay. :) thank you! Without the notifications stuff gets lost.
That is an understatement. I've been on my phone a lot and while I'm glad to have the app, it's still a challenge. Funny thing is I remember reading your post and even responding, but my app crashes a lot so it must have slipped through on me. And your comment deserved to be addressed.
<3