The plan that the united states of america have to fight an epidemic of zombies!

Do you worry about a zombie uprising?

Well fear not, the US Department of Defense has you covered.

The Pentagon has created a comprehensive plan detailing how to counter a zombie apocalypse. Created in 2011 it’s called “CONPLAN 8888” and outlines the precise steps the US Government and military would take to combat a zombie Uprising.

I know what you’re thinking, this must be a joke, the government can’t possibly have spent hundreds of man hours on preparing this document. Well fortunately for obsessive tinned food hoarders, it’s no joke. But don’t worry, as far as we know the government isn’t expecting a zombie attack. The plan was actually created as part of a training exercise for security personnel at the Pentagon, but when they finished writing the document, they thought it was so damn good that they ought to keep it, you know, just in case.

It now resides hidden away deep inside the Pentagon’s secret network of files, right along side plans such as what to do in case of nuclear war or a civil uprising, for example. But luckily for us the document has been unclassified. And yes it actually has a pretty picture of a zombie on the front cover, they just couldn’t help themselves could they.

So what does this zombie master-defense plan contain? The document first describes the eight different types of zombies, because you need to know exactly what you’re dealing with before you can defeat it.

The first type is Pathogenic Zombies, this is your bog-standard zombie, created when a life form is infected by a rogue virus or bacteria, you know, like in practically every zombie film ever.

Second are Radiation Zombies, created when an organism is subjected to an extreme dosage of radiation.

Thirdly, Evil Magic Zombies, yes, the Pentagon actually came up with that name. I’ll let the document itself explain this one, since they worded it so eloquently: “EMZ's are zombie life forms created via some form of occult experimentation in what might otherwise be referred to as "evil magic"”, and to think, this was actually written by the people running the defense sector of the world’s largest superpower.

Next are Space Zombies, not much explanation needed here, they’re zombies that come from outer space.

After that we have Weaponized Zombies, these are zombies that are intentionally created by an enemy group or state via bio-mechanical engineering to be used as a weapon against America.

At number six, is Symbiant-Induced Zombies, this is when another life form latches onto an organism and controls its brain and therefore their body, in a zombie-like manner.

This actually happens to ants, when they become infected with a fungus known as codyceps, they turn into zombie-ants.

Could it happen to humans too? Possibly.

Next are Vegetarian Zombies, they pose no direct threat to humans but their obsession with eating crops could cause massive de-forestation and eliminate food-sources worldwide, causing mass starvation. The CONPLAN 8888 document actually notes that instead of moaning “brains”, vegetarian zombies would most likely say “grains”.

And lastly we have the scariest zombie type of all: “Chicken Zombies”.

Now, chicken zombies may sound utterly ridiculous but these are the only type of zombie that actually exists today. When an old hen is to be euthanised because it can no longer lay eggs, a gas is used to end its life and it is buried underground. However, if the euthanisation was performed incorrectly, for instance if an incorrect dosage of gas is used, then after a few days underground, the chicken can actually come back to life and dig its way out of the ground in a zombie-like manner, then stumble around aimlessly for a while, before its internal organs eventually fail. There have been numerous documented cases of this happening in farms all over the world. Zombie chickens don’t pose any threat to human life but the Pentagon obviously thinks they’re terrifying enough to warrant a place in their zombie defense plan.

So that’s the preliminaries covered, but what steps does the US government plan to take if any of these eight types of zombies where to start a zombie uprising? The country would first go into a state of Martial Law in an attempt to maintain order and allow appropriate force to be used against the zombie horde. The CDC would also be called in to help control the spread of infection between hosts.

Interestingly the plan notes that zombies are neither classified as human nor animal life and therefore the military is free to completely bypass human and animal rights laws when counterattacking the zombies.

The document makes essential observations about zombie behavior, I don’t know where they got their research from but presumably the Pentagon just binge-watched zombie flicks. The plan notes that zombies can’t be reasoned with and don’t fear pain or death, therefore riot-control strategies would be completely useless and the only way to effectively deal with them is a shot to the head.

Once killed a zombie cadaver should be burned to prevent the spread of pathogens and possible reanimation of the corpse. And zombies can’t swim, the document makes this very clear throughout, therefore rivers and other waterways would be the recommended escape route for most citizens.

All the various measures that the plan suggests for dealing with the zombie horde are neatly segmented into five key steps in the document… Shape, Deter, Seize Initiative, Dominate and Stabilize.

The last step involves finding and eliminating the very last zombie strongholds and restoring basic services to communities.