When you loved to do something, but you don't do it anymore. (What happened to my Yoga practice?)

Have you ever been in love with an activity you do all the time, and then suddenly you just stop doing it? You still love it, you even miss it, and you want to go back to it (you probably say you will do so soon), but you just... don't? It's a weird thing, a conflict inside of you. You don't know what's going on. Are you just being lazy?

In my case, I've discovered the issue lies in the everlasting change I'm always going through. It's like these kind of things are first, phases. We discover something at a certain age, we identify with it for a while, we feel good doing it. It might be an activity like any sport, dancing, martial arts, music, reading, painting, etc. In my case I can eve include some TV shows tbh.

The thing is we identify with them for a while, we enjoy them, and suddenly something happens, and you stop. And you can't put your finger on why.

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I've had my fair share of this in my short life, but the one I am more impressed by, is my Yoga journey. It's always been on and off, but this time it's been a long time.

I keep studying somehow, I keep learning, and going through some other Yoga teachings, but my very needed physical practice, I just abandoned it.

I was (am) a Yoga teacher. In Yoga I started to know myself, I understood myself a lot better, I lived in it for a couple of years, and I was even on the adventure of living alone. It was awesome. Very hard indeed. There were always a lot of intense teachings, but I loved the way it made me grow. Everything was ok.

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Everything changed when the fire nation attacked.

For some reason I got weirdly sick, until I couldn't teach anymore. I just felt overall weak all the time. I blamed it on depression, I wasn't eating right to be honest. It got so bad that I made the decision to move. I felt like I couldn't live alone anymore, I needed my family, I was somehow exhausted and I had to be a grownup. Being a grownup isn't something that I do very well.

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I moved to another city to live with my mom. And with all the changes that this meant, I slowly lost my Yoga practice. I had the opportunity to teach a bit after I moved, even if they were basically private lessons, and it didn't feel the same. I had fun, but it felt like something was wrong. After a few months I just stopped. And every time I tried to come back, I felt wrong. I got mad every time I stepped into my mat. Which was normal to me, but this anger was different. I was sadmad, and frustrated. Had I lost Yoga forever? Am I not going to teach again?

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With time I realised I just needed vacations from all of it. Why? This is how it worked for me: Some major season of change was coming. I had to get sick so I could move to another city. This started a roller coaster for me. I was living with my mom, meeting new people, listening to new music, dressing differently... dealing with parts of myself I didn't know before. Fast-forward to a few months later, I am a different person. I speak differently, I think differently, behave differently. At times I get scared of how much I've changed. And for all of this to happen, I needed to put all yoga related stuff on hold, because I needed space to know and experience myself out of yoga, and in these new situations.

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I still don't know if I want to go back to teaching. I miss it, of course. I still remember the way I felt when I was in the middle of a class trying to help someone not to break their neck. Beautiful feeling. (lol). While teaching yoga I felt like myself the most, I felt happy, confident, in peace. But while I remember it like that, it doesn't necessarily mean that I would still feel the same. Then again, I could be just making no sense at all and I need to go back to it asap, so I might try to go back to it at some point, to see what's the deal.

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But I still love the way Yoga feels in my body. I love the way I feel after I finish my practice, I love that kind of tired, all that sweat, the way my muscles burn, the adrenaline rush, the ecstasy-like sensation that got me addicted to it in the first place. And I also love the way my body seems to move by itself. I don't really like dancing, I'm not coordinated at all. But when I do Yoga I feel like a fish in the water.

So I do know I want to at least go back to my personal practice. I need it. It goes beyond of whether I want to or not. I need it. My Yoga journey must continue, no matter what. Maybe I will keep experiencing the on and off thing, but I know that I need yoga in my life. And this new adventure has taught me that too. It's ok if I need vacations once in a while, something good will always come out of it, but I'll always need to come back home. I know that now.

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Sometimes it's just a phase.
I used to dance flamenco, phase.
I used to draw, phase.
I used to listen to Evanescence, phase.
I used to knit, phase.

Some I miss, some I don't, but they were important stages in my life, I was that person in that moment. With time, I left all of them. Sometimes I draw. Sometimes I listen to Evanescence. It's a part of me, but there are new things here too. Sometimes things just leave us after they served their purpose.

And sometimes we take vacations away from it so we can grow a bit, but we can always come back later. We can come back recharged, renewed, with more passion to put into it. We have grown, we are stronger, we know new things, we fear a little less, we love a lot more... And that's just what we needed.

That's just what I needed.

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Has this ever happened to you?

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