WWE Survivor Series 2016: A Mark's Two Cents

I sit here in a small room, shirtless, staring at this laptop's screen while listening to Big Daddy Kane's "Prince of Darkness" album. None of that first sentence has a single thing to do with Survivor Series, but moments of vulnerability are my gimmick. 

Anyways, I'm here to give my predictions for WWE's 30th annual Survivor Series!

Now, since this is the 30th Survivor Series, I (and most of us, hopefully) feel like something major has to happen at this PPV. Keep that in mind as you read through my predictions.

Cruiserweight Championship Match: The Brian Kendrick (c) vs. Kalisto

I hate to say it, but I do not care about this match. Seeing as Kalisto "gets ahead of himself" and I find Kendrick boring as shit, I'm indifferent. If I had to choose a winner, I'd prefer to see the younger athlete take the gold (silver?).

"Kalisto... I like his name better." --- My Aunt

Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) vs. Sami Zayn

This may be my marky side talking, but I'd like to see Zayn win the Intercontinental title; it could finally bring the "workhorse only" reputation back to that belt. If done right, you can have guys in the Intercontinental picture main event RAW every now and then. Personally, I find The Miz boring at this point, aside from his stellar promo on "Talking Smack," so let's spice things up.

If you bring the Intercontinental title to RAW, I'd send Roman to Smackdown to be fair.

"I don't like [Sami's] name." --- My Aunt

Traditional Elimination Match: Tag Teams from RAW vs. Tag Teams from Smackdown

After Smackdown being passive-aggressively buried over the last few months, I'm going with the Smackdown Tag Teams winning this one. That way, Smackdown leaves looking significantly stronger after defeating the soon-to-be-longest-reigning Tag Team Champions in New Day, a kinda-sorta feared team in Gallows/Anderson, and another team as over as Enzo and Cass. I'd book American Alpha and the Usos as the last teams standing, as they'll likely feud for the Tag titles within the next few months.

Traditional Elimination Match: RAW Women vs. Smackdown Women

As with the Tag Team divisions clashing, a victory for the Smackdown Women's division would make them look stronger. Honestly, a team consisting of Charlotte, Sasha Banks, Bayley and Nia Jax is strong to begin with, so a win would only hurt Smackdown's lacking Women's roster. Ideally, I'd have Sasha turn on Charlotte and cost her team the match (because who cares if you wanna rip a weave out?). As far as Nia Jax goes, the only way she should be eliminated is via every Smackdown woman hitting some big offensive move on her before a pinfall.

"I'd love to say the first team, buuuuuut... second team." --- My Aunt

Traditional Elimination Match: RAW Men vs. Smackdown Men

A clean sweep for Smackdown would be overkill, in my opinion. Therefore, Team RAW takes this win. Since Kevin Owens hasn't necessarily been booked as an ass-kicker throughout his Universal Championship reign, I would have him be the Sole Survivor. However, I'd tease the inevitable falling out of Jeri-KO, possibly with a "human shield" spot (which would work for the comedic pairing). After losing, The Undertaker, always a man of his word, hits the ring and lays out all of Team Smackdown... except for AJ Styles. From then on, you can pit big names on Smackdown (Randy Orton, Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt) against The Undertaker on TV or the TLC PPV until he finally gets his hands on AJ Styles at the 2017 Royal Rumble.

I would normally roll my eyes at this notion, but Ellsworth playing a part in eliminating Braun Strowman sounds like an easy way to get a pop... just an idea.

"I feel like I've heard [Team Smackdown's] names more, so I feel like they're more experienced." --- My Aunt

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg

"You know I just find Goldberg so cute." --- My Aunt

First thing's first; Brock's going over.

The best way to book this match is to let these two beat the living shit out of each other. I'm talking stiff shots, blood, maybe a Spear through the announce table. I don't want these two to put on a stinker like they did in 2004, and I truly believe these two, even Brock "No Fuxx Given" Lesnar, want to redeem themselves. In no way am I expecting a modern-day Flair vs. Sting, but if these two can destroy each other and fans give them a chance, the results may, at the very least, be watchable 12 more years from now.

What I find as important as the execution of this match is what happens afterwards. I see Brock standing over Goldberg's bloody body, arms raised, only for Samoa Joe's music to hit. Joe makes his way down the ramp, and stands nose-to-nose with Brock. Neither a fearless Joe or a cocky Lesnar backs down from the other. Joe hits a skull-shattering kick to The Beast's head, taking him down. Joe stares into the hard camera, foaming at the mouth... THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how I'd book the beginning of the end of Brock Lesnar's undefeated streak.

Due to Samoa Joe debuting at Survivor Series, dedicating the last 20 minutes of the following night's RAW to Goldberg's farewell makes it feel as special, and also boosts ratings for the show