I do not feel okay

I do not feel okay at all.

It's like a very simple sentence but a very shitty thing.
I have a routine that I am always busy with during the day.
As if I had to interrupt whichever one I did and move on to the other.
As if the other one is more important.
Then, when I quit the job halfway and move on to the next one, it's like I have to move on to the next one.
Otherwise, I am extremely irritable.
I have a last batch of unfinished work left before me.

I can't sleep at night.
Sometimes I can't take my pills somehow.
Then, when I fall asleep, I dream of my dog, whom I lost about 2 months ago without exception.
Very complicated dreams.
I don't sit down and cry saying my girl.
After a few days, I somehow realized that I had to forget and continue my life.
It was very difficult but I couldn't bring it back.
My health was important.

As for me, I immediately concentrate on something else.
It works.
But I see her in my dreams while she sleeps at night.
Sometimes I have irrelevant but mostly ridiculous dreams.
Then around 8:30 am I wake up with a terrible feeling of pressure in my chest and a cramp in my left arm.
I still cannot sleep for 1-2 hours.
I have trouble breathing.

I've already told about the daytime.
Now I paused for a moment when there was a lot of unfinished work that I could not make myself focus on work and gave up.
Breathing deeply, I reach out on the sofa.
Like meditation.
Then suddenly tears began to come from my eyes.

I no longer really remember where I started on the road, where I went, what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be, or rather what I wanted to achieve.
I'm not saying just for words.
As I got into this hustle and bustle, I forgot why I did it.
I'm just concentrating to keep my mind busy.

Talking to people face to face or on the phone is not good.
I'd like to write all this nonsense in a diary.
Without disturbing anyone.
But if something happens to me one day, I don't want people to read it and laugh at me.
I destroyed all the old ones.
Here is anonymous.
A few person know who is this person in reality.
And if I put it into words, I hope that maybe I can come to a conclusion or think rationally.

Telling me something happens.
Something very strange.
I don't want to die at all.
But as if I have no energy to live.
To hope for something or to aim.

Anyway, let me stop without further exposing you by my toxicity.
Or worse, no solutions came to mind.
Let's stand for something.
But what for?