First Poem in an Age - Writing Impact Challenge
This is the first poem I've written since highschool, hopefully it doesn't suck:
Blankets of Smoke
When She asked me to smile, I told her I couldn’t,
And wrapped myself in blankets of smoke.
When She told me to breathe, I told her I wouldn’t,
Content with visions of suffering.
Now when She speaks, it’s less than a whisper,
A deafening silence I refuse to remember,
The smoke from the fire I once understood,
Now threatens to drown, these embers of wood.
She waits,
She watches,
It captivate me.
Swallowing me up in this life we all dream.
Bound,
And tied,
By the fetters that bind,
My fate is sealed by eyes left blind.
The fire burns out, not even a flicker.
All that’s left is ash and dust and a whisper.
But the fire is out, who’s left to listen?
Only the Love that never could sicken...
Great piece!
The only thing that detracts from it is the self doubt in the intro, it isn't necessary, you do not suck, not even slightly.
The poem is fantastic.
Thank you! I really appreciate you saying that. I'd edit it out, but then this comment wouldn't make sense. At least I was hopeful ;)
Thanks for reading
Feel free to edit if you choose. Reading where you are at within yourself and the process is nice, I think it helps connect with others on steemit to share that process.
The first poem I ever wrote was on steemit for a contest. Mine was not a piece of art like this, but it did include a similar statement about my lack of belief.
I thoroughly enjoy writing now and am beginning to believe I might be OK at it.
People are used to me not making sense, I don't mind, if you wish to edit for yourself then by all means do, I could always delete my comment too if you wish.
I certainly didn't intend it as a criticism that needed amending, you are very talented.
I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Haha, no worries, I'll leave it as is, if it detracts from the piece so be it, at least people will know I was a bit scared to post but did anyways, it might lend encouragement.
Steemit is an awesome place to express, rarely do people come down on me and I've found quite a few people continuing to support my stuff :) I'll have to check out your work
Perhaps detract was a heavy and not particularly good choice of word. You are right, it is encouraging to others to know they are in a safe space to have a go. It is a cool platform in that way. Often writers are a tough critical crowd, I have only received encouragement and support.
The piece is brilliant and has inspired me to have a go at the challenge, I thoroughly enjoyed the last ones.
Although I have only got as far as scratching out the 50 words, and written two lines.
You chose a cool contest as your first contest. I love @rensoul17.
You got this, just play around with the words until you have a good start, the rest falls out from there :)
I'm not sure I do have it this time. I tried writing about a blue bird, I really wanted to write from the birds perspective. That might have been a challenging choice for a word blocked Ornithophobic... Fear of birds...
I have torn it up. I will start over.
Thank you for the encouragement.
Always worth trying and trying again rather than not trying :)
Truth spoken, and when you write doubt in the intro as a curator it makes me want to put your poem at the bottom of the list. I am so glad I did not get distracted by your into. This poem is very good and it deserves consideration with the best of them. You read my mind on this one @girlbeforemirror. It may have been a long time since you have written this type of piece but I say bravo to you @jakeybrown.
I like the meme. The writing too.
Poetry is the one style of writing that makes me the most nervous to share. It can be so personal and emotional. And when it's good it's really good, but when it's bad it's pretty cringey face palm. I think half the art of poetry is in the vulnerability it takes to expose yourself to the reactions you might receive. And the interpretations. That's the fun part, too, and what makes it so applicable and helpful for others in their own lives. To read how someone else feels and to register that you've shared a similar experience in some way even if the details or the words differ. That's really powerful.
I like it.
Poetry is a challenge, I was surprised I even finished this and had it make sense to me, pretty fun actually. I figured I wouldn't have to post it but gave it a shot and it turned out :) Multiple interpretations are the best part of poetry, I see it a lot in music too
I know. Poetry is powerful, paired with music it can be even more potent. I love when it's contrasting in some way. It almost confuses, intrigues, perplexes, but you like it and it sounds good and it speaks. I've had a lot of music change it's personal meaning over time. That can be pretty interesting too. Used to feel one way or mean one thing and now I see something entirely different in it. That's another reason not to throw out your writing. Hold onto it and look back on it in ten years. Scary maybe, but fun too.
That'd be interesting! haha
Interesting...that's the word. Uh huh.
Mine so far in life has been more on the funny side.
"I wrote that - that was me - it was really me. (Now where's my lighter?)"
Hide the shame. Hide the shame lol.
@jakeybrown, the meme was funny. Unlike fiction writing which I am comfortable with, poetry makes me nervous, to write and share. I enjoyed your poetry and look forward to more ... this line caught my attention most.
Thanks, ya in the past I would have avoided this like the plague, but I just said F it, turned out much better than I anticipated. Poetry usually intimidates me too!
Dunno if this mirrors sentiments in the poem @jakeybrown, but my subjectivity relates, and triggers memories of relationships where I couldn't bring myself to smile and where the blankets of smoke I wrapped myself up in helped extinguished the flame. What I'll always have is this beautiful love that never could/can sicken.
Thanks my friend 🔆 🔆 🔆
I like to leave the reader to interpret sentiment ;)
Nice thing about poems is that you can read them a variety of ways. Even re-reading this myself I could find multiple ways to read it's meaning
Nicely done and a rhythm that is memorable. Thank You for your entry @jakeybrown.
Thanks, I haven't written a poem in forever, it turned out much better than anticipated, really liked how you picked words to choose from, I think that helped!
All that’s left is ash and dust and a whisper.
That line is gold!
Thanks @kittyandcheese!
You had me with the Meme.
I thought it was pretty money haha
Roses are red, violets are blue, something tells me there's a poet in you! )
Had to dig him up for this one! You got the poetry down already, that's what songs are right?
You’re a poet and you do t even know it!
Haha hello new profession ;)
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