Vampires - Do we need them to come back?

With the recent announcement on Deadline.com that Neflix has ordered a new drama series entitled V-WARS, you can be damn sure that Vampires are coming back to our screens.

But do we need this?

It seems like it really wasn’t that long ago since TRUE BLOOD went off the air, in a sexy, bloody, convoluted plot slash guilty pleasure we all pretended we didn’t love. But do you miss it?

Plenty of sex-thirsty teens clawed their proverbial nipples off to get the next installment of the TWILIGHT saga, but it ended and they moved on to more important things like knitting pussy hats and boycotting Chick Fil-A.

We’ve seen this before. INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, BLADE and THE LOST BOYS. Vampires stories are as hard to kill as the blood sucking fiends their written about. And I’ll grant you that they’re interesting. The mythology is fascinating and enticing. Who wouldn’t want to live forever and sleep all day? Who wouldn’t want super strength and the moralistic high ground of having to feed on the stupid assholes you hate by simply being higher on the food chain than them. But then they started to twinkle or shimmer or whatever the hell was going on there, and the shark was officially jumped.

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS was OK because they were mocking the trope and those guys are so talented I’d watch a turd puppet show they charged 30 dollars for. Right? Just me?

Didn’t think so.

But V-WARS, starring Ian Somerhalder, with his charming smile, and dashing looks. This shit is gonna restart the whole damn genre. Christopher Moore penned some novels like BLOOD SUCKING FIENDS that are funny and violent and a little sexy in a “doing it under a dumpster” kind of way, but those aren’t being bought up. We’re not getting Seth Rogan’s fat vampire stoner (although he’s not entirely off the hook, as the vampire character in his PREACHER show is so fucking awesome, it almost makes me hate them less.)

Or are you ready for this? Are you so sick of superheroes, muli-cultural families and 90’s sitcoms reboots that you’re willing to dive back into the clunky plots of shows that have to take place completely at night, and characters who can never meet for coffee or have a drunken one night stand that ends a friendship. Are you ready for long hair and lingering, smoldering gazes, and virginal white skinned 20 something’s being seduced in a sorta rape-y kinda way?

I mean is there a less #metoo sensitive character than a vampire that not only can seduce, control and fuck anyone they want, but they also suck all the blood out of them?!

Talk about tone deaf. And while I can’t tell if I’m kidding, some triggered millennial is going to raise their voice to this very concern. And do you know if you agree with them or not?

In the meantime, I’ll click over to QUEER EYE after the most recent episode of ROSEANNE while I get drunk and argue with my friends about INFINITY WARS.

But you tell me.

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