What does it take from "Happily Ever After" to beginning a "Nuclear War" ?
Love is called - "Mystery" for a reason, it can never be completely reduced to science. Nevertheless, there are a few things, I found in my young age, that helped me build stronger relationships, better understand and analyze people, including myself. I divided a process of one relationship into three stages and figured how to go through them with more or less predictable results.
Stage first. Make them fall in love with you.
Psychologist Arthur Aron, explored whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by asking each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one. Final part is - staring into each other's eyes for 4 minutes. 36 Questions that Lead to Love. It is really frustrating, that during our lifetime, we might not look deeply into each other's eyes even once. Do you know the color of your partners eyes? Can you perfectly imagine them? What do you see? Well, this way or another, it's a brilliant method to either develop your relationship, or at least, save yourself a huge amount of time.
Honestly, you need a lot more than these questions, but they work. Questions are build in a way to access one's vulnerability, open up to one another in a comfortable way. Step by step, crashing walls between two people on a mutual agreement. After a few times, I designed my own questions, individually for each of my experiments. It was more like a set of "Given anyone in the world, why would you always choose me?". This way - people convince themselves of particular scenarios, I made for them more realistic. I just had to know - what scenarios they would most likely follow, comparing it to what is ideally for me. Maybe I'll share my strategy one day. It's also a simple, short investigation on a given specific person. I mean, 36 questions is really quite a lot.
Stage second. Memories in between.
People like challenges. The more they go through adrenaline moments with you, the better. Physically or mentally - does not matter. What matters is - to bring rarity and unique experience into this relationship, or just to shake them emotionally. Life is really, too short to be with someone who drags you down. Challenging partner - is someone who will push your buttons and test your limits always and forever. At the end, we much rather stay with those, who help us bring our Best selves, who inspire us, who takes pride in us. Make each other valuable. As they say, The best way to be remembered - is to fall in love.
There is a way to discover different ways of intimacy, for instance, you can try Tantric experience.Doing something with your partner for the first time or differently, especially the little things - is what makes the best memories. We only have one chance, to make the first impression, and that is what we remember the most. The difference. That is how, we remain in someone's heart. We kinda belong there. You can destroy anything, when it hurts, throw it away, burn it, pretend it never existed. Anything, but memories. They become a part of us. A part, we're missing the most. Memories, that we never expected to end.
Life is designed in a painfully beautiful way. Eventually, everything ends. Time between life and death is clocked. Fall from love to a painful war - is also clocked. The whole humanity is just about time. And the only thing that is left, are those moments in between.
Stage third. Choice.
Dr. John Gottman, separates relationships into “Relationship Masters” and the “Disasters.”
Disasters are only 4 things, that can predict with 94% accuracy whether a relationship will last for the next 5 years, or end in divorce.
Contempt. (Antidote is appreciation).
Criticism.(We all hate it).
Defensiveness. (Victim role).
Stonewalling. (Cold War)
This Formula predicts Relationship Longevity...and a Nuclear War. Arguing couples spiraling into negativity, resulting with break up or separation can also be mathematically equivalent to relationships between two countries beginning a nuclear war. The mathematics of Love. TED talk
Last stage, I named Choice for a reason. You both make a choice. It is already a 50%50 responsibility, wether this relationship will work or not, you both take a risk. At this point, you either choose the best for you or the best for "us". And this is the most difficult part of all. Here is something that might, as well, help you. (After all, if you both fail - it helps to know, that at least, you're not in this shit alone. You can still order 37 cats together).
13 Questions that Lead to Divorce
The questions are divided into three sets. Each set will take about five minutes but feel like an eternity. That’s why the questions are divided into three sets. Because an eternity divided by three is ... ummm.
You probably won’t get through all the questions in each set, and that will be your fault. Just like everything else.
If you were to die tomorrow, how and by whom would you want to be killed?
Name 4,000 things we don’t have in common.
Who did you last match with on Tinder?!
If we were the last two people on Earth, whom would you want to divorce and why?
If you were given the chance to bring peace to the Middle East, would you also make that about you?
What does the inside of a gym look like? (No Googling this!)
I don’t want to grow old with you. (Whoops — more of a statement.)
Our house is on fire. What’s the one thing you grab before escaping the flames besides the original copy of our prenup?
How about sex?
If you could go back in time, would you mind staying there?
So what is the ultimate goal, after all? Truth is - there is no goal. Thus, there is a choice. End of the day, and every day, you both decide, whether to trust this choice to be completely yours, or to trust another person enough, to make this choice together. Eventually, the only way to taste that life, people write novels about - is to risk it all for a chance of having forever, with someone you love.