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Jay said "I'm tired". Sam and I were sitting beside him and heard what he said. Instinctively, I asked him without thinking "Tired of what?" He told us in a sigh "Tired of all these logs".

Logs are diagnostics logs that were collected when a software crashes. It records what's happening in the background.

Sam stood up and walked behind him, giving him a massage. Jay looked so relaxed and made some space for Sam to reach the bottom of his spine, while sitting on his chair.

And then Jay started talking.

"I think the system here is wrong. Even if I get poor rating on my service, that doesn't mean I'm not doing good. I have closed 80 cases and only 5 rated me. It's their issue, not mine."

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Sam said "The system is not as rigid as you think. It's flexible and you can do something about it. You should learn from others who are performing and check how they communicate via emails."

Jay defended "There are only 2 person exceeding the rating target in my team. Alex and Kim. Alex gets good ratings because he's handling cases from regular customers. Kim is smart guy. He could've asked his friends to help."

I was shocked when Jay told us about Kim. I didn't expect him to assume Kim did that. "Was jealousy clouding his mind and making stories", I wondered.

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Sam left the conversation and I continued listening. Jay expressed that "I am getting bad rating because they don't understand my email sometimes. And that's not my issue."

I realized one thing. That in his mind, he is right and the system and the customer who gave him bad rating is wrong. He is putting himself on the right side and indicating he doesn't need to do anything for wrong stuffs.

"I can leave this company." he said.

I asked "There are 2 facts here. You are getting low rating and system is faulty. What can you do to make your results better?"

He said "There's nothing I can do. It's the system who should do it. It's them who doesn't understand me. I've already did my best. Even if the system can't do it, I shouldn't call back my customers and ask for them to rate me!"

I asked "What's stopping you?" He kinda dodged the question. I asked again "What is it that you can do?"

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I realized why he thinks he shouldn't call them back.
Two simple reasons.

• Call back for rating is not in his job scope
• His ego

Then I asked him "Do you want to meet expectations or exceed expectations?" He paused for a while and he told me that he wanted to exceed expectations. But sadly, his behaviors do not support that statement.

Then, I left him with 1 question and 1 quote.

• Question: What is it that you can do to create better results?
• Quote: Change yourself first.

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I bid my goodbyes to him and the rest of my colleagues. Then I received a message from him. "I need to change myself for right things or I need to change myself for wrong things 🙂🙂"

I replied "I would say, I need to change myself for myself. There's no right or wrong. Just facts."

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What's exactly happening in that conversation, in Jay, in Sam and in myself?

Let's zoom into myself first.

I was leading Jay to believe that he has the ability to make the results better at his command. I was making him to believe that it is no one's fault, there's no right or wrong, it's just whether you take responsibility or not.

This popped up in my mind,

Photo taken by me

He is practicing habits below the line. Blaming, justifying and giving up. He is not taking responsibility and move forward. He insisted he is right and system should change, not him.

Based on his responses, I realized he is egoistic. He is a level 3 support and maybe, he thinks call back to customer for rating is not what a level 3 should do. Perhaps, level 1. This led me to ask "What's stopping you?". I wanted him to realize it was his ego. But he didn't.

And every time I asked a question, like thought-provoking question, he answered immediately, or almost immediately. I was thinking "Hey, this is supposed to be thought-provoking, you should take more time and think about it, or even feel it."

Most of his responses were accompanied with "but's". Yes I know but ... (excuses, blames, etc.). This proves he is being defensive and think he is right.

Now let's go into Sam. This is purely what I see and what I assume. I am not Sam.

Sam offered advice. Jay should do this and that.
He offered with good intentions. He wanted to help Jay with solutions. However, Sam was interrupted by Jay and he interrupted Jay as well, when they're talking and I'm listening + observing.

Sam left the conversation and Jay continued talked to me.

Finally, the self-proclaimed hero in this story, Jay.

Jay is beginning to dislike this job. Days before, he told me he left his previous job because he had to work at night. And now, he is working at night. The shift rotation didn't work as he assumed. This is has greatly demotivated him. He began to feel tired of working.

He started to blame on the system and customers. He started to protect himself by excuses about company policy, the situation he is in, the difficulties he faced, and sheer number of people who achieved targets.

He thinks he is right and he will change only for the right.

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This is a real conversation that happened yesterday in my office. Through this,

I have learned 5 great life lessons.

1. We need to practice active listening and stop assuming the rest of the stories.
2. There is no right or wrong, only responsible or not.
3. We are trained to answer to others, not to ourselves.
4. It is easier to change yourself than to change others.
5. Believe that you are always capable to make things better right now.

What have you observed or learned from this conversation?

Disclaimer: Names have been changed

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@tifaong writes simple and positive practices and ideas that you can learn (or re-learn) and apply in your life immediately. She covers life lessons, self-help, relationships, and motivational contents. Her mission is to spread positivity so that we can live a happier, fulfilling life.

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