Naked on Stage

As a solo musician I find myself very in very vulnerable moments in life. I play guitar and sing at over 45 senior homes a month. I play in front of almost 500 people a month for 45 hours. This takes a great toll on the body and the mind.

Recently I have only had to deal with the body. I have noticed my tone has changed a great deal over time. The strength of my voice has doubled at least. My range is larger too.

The mind has its challenges in this line of work. I have had people tell me to shut up, to stop playing, had one guy come up and give me the finger in the middle of a song. Now remember most of the people I play for are in very bad health, most are dealing with some sort of dementia at times. They also are old and grumpy and are frustrated like we all are at times.

The funny thing is if I compare these seniors to the working crowd. I find that the seniors are a better audience. They sit and listen and really appreciate anything you play. Most of the working crowd will talk over the music, txt or see you as background music. The seniors carry no cell phones and hang on your every song as if their life depends on it.

I play to bring life into their world. I play current songs, some oldies and I wrap them in stories and images. I get a lot of cheer from them. Its very often I hear " thank you for bringing Life into my day" Find me any job that gets you applause several times an hour?

The hard part about this career is the corporate greed and administration. I have had so many gigs just canceled because of the budget. I have also lost gigs because some ass thinks the gig sets should sound a certian way.

I played one gig and had everyone dancing to iko iko, then some 70's songs. The administrator felt that they needed to sing not dance so she fired me told I need to play more stuff from the 40's. Hmmm.. so the math, most of these folks were around in the 70's and deep into the FM radio at that time.

When this happened it really started to mess with my mojo. I found myself hurt so bad with this latest firing that my music was being affected. I felt flat and dead while playing. The mind took this and held onto it.

Yesterday in the middle of my gig I lost all my wind in my sails. I just could not play and sing anymore. I felt useless. This darkness hit me hard in the middle of the set!!

What do you do when this happens?

It is not like I am in a cubicle and can just go into the inner mode and get lost in a project. NO, I am up there and have to plow into another 40 minutes of songs. 20 people sitting there looking at me " i cant hear you , you are not loud enough"

Im thinking people that work in retail get this as the customers plow into their psyche over and over and they have to smile. " Smiles everyone smiles" uuuuuugg.

My response yesterday was this in my head as an senior tells me he cant hear me.

"Buddy I am not only not loud enough I feel dead." This is what i wanted to say, and put my guitar down and just give up.

But I didnt. I sat and thought how do i get out of this?

Then it hit me. I just started playing. I just played the songs like I was at home and not giving a F*** who was listening. I shut down ignoring the audience and played just for me.

The results were perfect. It brought the art back into my life, the tones and songs. The audience got to watch an artist at work. They loved it. The songs began to fill with soul again. I was able to now look up and see eyes with life. A simple few moments ago they looked dead and bored.

As a solo musician, when this happens you dont have a band to pull you out. You are on your own. You slip into a ditch you have to dig out, and often in the middle of a performance. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I have worked in the cublicles of corporate america.

What makes it all worth it are those moments where you are lost in song and see others watching and going there with you. Or that moment where you take a song and watch something amazing happen to it, and look up with a great smile and see its being shared.

The best moments are when you park your car and hop out and swing a guitar over your shoulder passing a suit, who is txting and primping to go sell something. You feel whole then as they look at you and smile, knowing they wonder how you do this and why they are not.

The adminstrator who crushed my mojo has been left at shore. She will get hers one day. This stuff vibrates like song and bounces off the wall and comes back. She will hire a karioki singer to sing 40's songs perfectly and wonder why the residents are not sleeping well or taking their meds. Her assistant will remind her how I got them dancing. And her mind will continue to rule her heart as life is being missed.

So I thank the corporate world for giving me the jobs to do this, and deal with the rat race there by adding what I can to it.

Alone just me... simple.

Photo by Kaitlin Duffey on Unsplash