The Battle

As I pushed through school, I still battled demons of self-loathing. School helped to create a bit more well needed Confidence, however outside of school I still questioned who I was and if I deserved to still be breathing. I was in school full time, work full time as a server at a truck stop and a full-time mom. I really had no downtime for me. I refused baby sitters even though some days I thought if I don’t get away I will collapse or finally give in to the hurt that I carried and suicide seemed like a not too distant future for me. The darkness of failure and the struggle of all the stress I placed on myself seemed to be drowning me.
Although the steps I had been taking to get out of the depression were great steps, I often felt as though I was on a tread mill. I was running as fast as I could but I was literally going nowhere. The steps I made although were progressive, it was going to be a long time before I made it to the next phase or even come close to achieving a goal. On the weekends that the seemingly useless father had the girls I fought the darkness even more. If I was done with homework and had nothing to occupy my time, the quiet of being alone was like the darkness of depression taking over. I would go out or get wrapped in a very unhealthy relationship telling myself that it was ok.
When I went out, I would end up at a bar. Either surrounded by guys trying to grab my attention or standing by the bad guy I decided deserved my attention. I found guys fighting for my attention both flattering and strange, after all they clearly have their beer goggles on and It helped me feel a little better about my sad existence. Come Sunday my girls were back in my arms and I was ready to be a mom again.
During this time, I also battled accepting being a mother. The resentment I developed for both my girls made me feel even worse. I was struggling mentally and emotionally, while their dad got to go out and pretend he was single and meet women on his time. I still hurt immensely from the divorce, the fact I was living with my parents at the ripe old age of 28 and I didn’t have a light at the end of my tunnel. I chose this man above all men, to have his children. If I would have a family, we would fight together and raise two beautiful girls together and the first opportunity he got, he ditched me to be the single mother of these girls. After all, I was a loser as a server at a truck stop being called a lot lizard by co-workers and being treated like a piece of worthless meat by all men in a radius that came anywhere near me. My girls deserved better and I was not it.
I woke up every day trying to be better than I was the day before. Telling myself that even if I was running on a treadmill, I was in fact working and making steps to achieve my goal. Although the battle with good and evil, happy and depression was the greatest battle I had to face every day, I was going to kick that day’s butt and become everything I wanted to become in the end. Even the smallest of steps was pointed in a great direction.
Although I knew that Digital forensics could lead to be very lucrative, I lived in Indiana and the most I could see myself becoming was a Police officer. Not that I looked down on being a police officer, I just figured I’d still struggle daily as a single mom. All I could see was struggle in my future but, I was going to finally be on my own and making ends meet and that was what I was trying to do. I needed to get out on my own and take care of my girls the way I should be, on my own. After all, it was my choice to have my girls.