The Accident

As the years moved forward and I maintained an A average in college I started to find my place. The full-time mom, full-time work and Full-time school started to fit me quite nicely and I found myself becoming a more positive person. I became proud of who I was and what I was doing. I would eventually reach my goal in life, even if I did struggle. My spiteful co-workers tried their hardest to bring me down and the rumors became worse and worse. I had three great friends that I could talk to and found a safe haven in my Aunts house 2 hours away.
Once every other month I would travel to Wadsworth Ill to visit my Beautiful Aunt and Cousin. They didn’t realize what a huge impact they were having on my life and I honestly had no idea either, until I lost that safe space. My Aunt no matter where she went or why she was going there would look stunning. She would put on cute clothing that suited her personality and of course her makeup and hair was done as well. Up until I started hanging out with them, I never took pride in myself. If I was running to the grocery store, I’d do so as quickly as possible wearing my PJ’s, uncombed hair, and no makeup. I took note of her and my cousin and I started to take pride in me and what I looked like.
I started out my divorce at 199 pounds and by the end I was down to 125 pounds. I could finally wear cute clothes and I discovered, if I looked cute or felt as though I looked cute, it would show outwardly too and I gained even more confidence. Everything was falling into place, slowly. I was digging my way out of the hole of self-loathing I had gotten myself into over the years, I was exceling at school and I was making friends. Friends that supported me and helped me get through my darkest of days. Although the rumors got worse at my work as I gained confidence, my happy attitude and give no damns sense of humor was not helping the situation.
The more attention I received from my sense of humor and the crazy antics I got into at work, the more it made me feel better about being me. After all, making people laugh always made my day just a little bit brighter. The longer I worked at the truck stop and the longer I hung out at bars, the more I started to dislike men. They treated me as though I was nothing more than a fun night and then I would be useless the next day. The ones I did trust ended up cheating on me and letting me know in the long run, I didn’t really matter. A hard pill to swallow when you are trying so bad to matter to someone even if you are the world to your children. I was still trying to find a place or home if you will.
The summer of July 2013 came to a crashing holt for me. My ex had the girls for the Fourth of July and I had retreated to my Aunts for the holiday. We had watched the fireworks at Great America and then I was going to get the girls the next day. The girls and I spent the following week pool side with my Cousin and her daughter. Being at their house got me away from the feelings of hatred and unimportance I faced daily at work and fighting with my ex-husband. As the week ended, I received a text from a guy that I had come to realize was treating me just as I come to hate. I was just a fun time and nothing more. He didn’t care about me or my well-being and he never would. I was fed up with him and his fake “Friendship”, I finally stood up for myself and told him to take a long hike off a short pier. I felt better at the end of the conversation with him logically telling him, we are not friends, friends do not treat each other the way you treat me and I think it’s best if you focus on your new relationship with this other girl and he should forget me and erase my phone number.
Feeling a new sense of pride and clearing my life of such a negative person had me feeling tons better. I stayed one more night and headed back home with my girls the next day. My aunt and I went to brunch and then we went our separate ways. I was coming up to Great America on 290 when my Ipass fell to the floor. Worried about the toll coming up I took off my seat belt and leaned to the passenger side to get it. My hip hit the steering wheel and my car swerved to the left. I couldn’t get myself up without using the steering wheel and I was scared of taking out another car. I tried to gain control of the situation and I got up on one arm and saw a cement slab right in front of us. I yelled back to the girls “Girls hold on!” that was the last thing I remember.
When I came too, the car was stopped and had no sense at all as to what had happened. I remember that I was trying to call my Aunt, I couldn’t use my phone though. There was something pouring from my head and on to my phone, liquid. I wiped it from my fore head and then from my phone, only for it to be free flowing and blocking me from using my phone. I finally gave up that thought and stood up, the liquid was starting to irritate me more and more. I walked around the driver side door which had been opened and saw the hood of my car. My car was totaled and that is when it hit me that my children were gone. I started to look for them when a police officer came running to me and insisted that I sit back down. I handed him my phone and asked him to call my aunt that I couldn’t stop this liquid long enough to call her and asked about my girls and that my aunt can come get them if he could call my aunt. I blacked out again.
When I came to I was on a stretcher being put in an ambulance, I looked up and saw my oldest daughter looking at me, tears in her eyes and worry all over her face. I said “Oh my god, Joslynn! Are you okay?” I reached out to grab her arm and I heard someone yell “Get her out of here.” I looked down and said “No, wait.” I looked up and she was gone. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I knew I felt fine and not a thing hurt on me, but I also kept passing out. I fell asleep again and when I woke up, I was in the ER. I was more lucid then I was at the scene of the accident and kept asking for my girls, are they ok and where was my aunt. Did they call my Aunt?
They had in fact called my aunt and she made it to the scene of the accident to be with my girls. Which I was never told until after I got to see my Aunt. The extent of my injuries were way worse then I even knew. I had over 200 stitches in my face, a shattered nose and a brain bleed. I had been scalped in the accident, from the top of my nose to the top of my head. My top lip was ripped straight up into my nose and my tooth went through my bottom lip. I had lost half my blood by the time I made it to the ER and was close to needing a blood transfusion. My Aunt was insistent in getting a plastic surgeon to do my stiches, which I’m so thankful for today.
The next day or two I was in the ICU as they watched to make sure my brain bleed was resolved and I remember having the world’s worst migraine. This coming from someone that gets mind crippling migraines. They just kept feeding me morphine which was not helping even in the slightest, I was begging for Tylenol, Excedrin, something, anything to rid myself of this headache. I was insistent on my light off and door closed and gave anyone attitude that didn’t listen to my please of silence and dark.
On day two I received a call from my school asking if I was ok. Amanda my guidance counselor was amazed by the extent of the accident and told me I should sit this Semester out. She stated that I could sit this semester out and come back next semester. I gave her a firm no. You get me permission to miss one more day (I went to school 1 day a week and took the rest of the classes online). With doubt in her voice she agreed and I focused on getting well in two weeks.
My main goal through everything from the minute my divorce was finalized was to be on my own. Taking weeks out of school would only prolong the achievement of my goal. Why would I want to do that? To me it was a few bumps and bruises, but I was fine. I needed to maintain my course and graduate as quickly as possible. I can go to school with black eyes, stitches and messed up left foot. Throughout my whole journey the only thing more important to me than getting a career and being able to care for my girls, was to stay strong, stay focused and never let anything get in the way.