Painless Death #Freewrite
It is heading to 8pm in East Africa. A thin banana like slice of the moon is struggling to shine through a gathered of the scattered dark evening clouds. It's windy as hell and probably I should go back to the house.
I am standing at my favourite chill spot. The rooftop of our apartments. It's where I go to think or run away from a house full of loud teenagers. I live next to a highway so the street lights get to be a sight every night.
Urban frogs and crickets can be heard blending with the busy grunts of the moving traffic. It's relatively quiet and I should be in my happy place but I am not. I am thinking about death.
Recently, our national news have become too dramatic for me to watch TV. I get micro heart attacks and sometimes burn with indefinable rage. My countrymen are out here doing the shit they see on crime shows or read on fictional characters.
It's from the corruption, the embezzlement of funds, the injustice, the unending partriachy, the broken systems and to top the list, the murders.
Where was I? Oh. Death. And how slow and agonizing it can be.
An eleven year old boy was tortured and murdered by a bitter ex lover over the weekend. The guy was in a relationship with the mum that didn't end well. He had targeted the mum primarily but she eluded him and he thought... Sigh. What disturbs me is what was going through that's child's mind as death slowly stretched out it's hand?
What did he think of his mum whom sins he was apparently dying for? Damn. I'd prefer a bullet over the fear that young boy went through.
Speaking of fear... Imagine your car reversing into an ocean while your windows were up and your four year old daughter was with you? Imagine the trauma of knowing that you are going to die with you child and no one was coming to save you?
That happened when an SUV reversed itself from a ferry into the Indian Ocean with a mother and her four year old daughter. It was filmed by the public but no one did shit. The ferry didn't have the guard at the tail to keep that from happening and... wait for it... We don't have life guards on our beloved ferries. What a fucked up country!
I guess what I am trying to ask is, does how you go matter? Or do you simply leave it to fate? Does it bother you? I don't fear death itself but the how I die can turn into a debate between my ears. I am thinking that everyone even in knowing it's inescapable still wants a painless death. Or is it just me?
**Cross Posted**
I love reading this, because of the stark terrifying beauty of an uncontrollable world filled with good and bad.
I have anxiety, it's in a controlled place right now, but the fact is it was very crippling for a while. I couldn't shut off negative thoughts. Worrying about my family, my health, my life and my death drove me crazy. For me these thoughts were unwelcome and crippling.
A friend and counselor once told me if I was going to make up a story, to make up a good one. So, I began to practice... when fearful or sad thoughts entered my mind I would make up a dramatic happy story. Usually ridiculous to kick in my sense of humor.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't harbor these thoughts or that you should fight them. After all it makes you a beautiful, deep artist. Who am I to know.
I love reading this, because of the stark terrifying beauty of an uncontrollable world filled with good and bad.
I have to be careful, because for me I can get lost in them.
I am currently learning how to do this. It's so hard... hence the reason I get attached to other people's suffering. It's suffocating. Maddening. I feel helpless most of the time and my mind being good at looking for what could've been done better doesn't help.
Sticking to my pens till I find the light. Thank you so much for your thoughts... :)
I'm glad you are looking to your pens and working on finding what works for you.
Brains are an interesting piece of work and when they have been conditioned in a certain way, it is difficult to "think your way out".
Thank you for sharing your journey written in reality and spun with words. I'm not often drawn to the creative or emotional, but I am always happy to see your name in my feed.
Pens are as interesting as the brain itself. They get you talking... and that helps in finding self. Thank you for the kind words ♡♡♡