Half a Rant #Freewrite
Hey there. Welcome to my diary. The weekend was dull and this was supposed to be a rant but let me try something else.
I feel like I am slipping away to the darkside and my perfectionist being can't keep up. I have to be honest with myself, I am not doing any better on a lot of things and the need to find the light keep urging me to push me harder.
Fuck. This isn't meant to be a rant. How do I express this?
Of late, I have not been duly committed to any of my goals or responsibilities. Studies. Work. (Which is giving me hell btw but I am not supposed to complain, am I?) Starting something that can easily turn into passive income if I work really hard on it. (Imagine that!) Writing. This community. Reading. Should I go on?
I keep saying that I will start reading more African writers to ready for that time Steemfest comes to Africa and I get to meet @chinyerevivian and @warpedpoetic. I need to have something to keep up with these two wordsmiths over a couple of drinks. But here I am wasting time on web series'.
Time keeps eroding as I do small things that help me procrastinate. I want to write but I can't find a way to write anything from the many things I wish to write. Sometimes I do but then again while editing, the whole thing feels wrong or too personal and I hit clear. It's more like fighting oneself from becoming something the same self believes it is destined to be.
Am I even making sense to you?
I want to study or better myself but I'd rather be on YouTube watching weird things. I can rewatch something for hours and struggle to read through an article or a page. Priorities become a problem if you get carried away by the things you want without taking the steps there. Like how I want to publish something a little wild on Amazon but I am not sure if people will like it and I want them to like it. Sigh.
Ideally, I feel like a fraud.
Like I don't write diligently enough to be called a writer. Like my poetry ain't growing and it cripples my supposedly poet. Like I don't belong because I can't keep up with this community or the real world for that matter. It's more like I drift in between these two dimensions like wind would from one point of the compass to the other.
Honestly speaking...
This is not a rant. This is more of me being honest with myself. I am tired of not being able to keep a word to myself yet I fight tooth and nail to keep a word to another human being. Why the fuck do I do this to myself? Why the hell can't I be consistent with myself?
Somebody hand me self discipline like this man who made history yesterday by running a marathon in under two hours! I should be ashamed of myself and I am...
I'm just seeing this. So sorry @tezmel. You want me and @chinyerevivian on the same table? You want me dead before we are half way through starters? Lol just kidding.
If steemfest does happen in africa, hanging out with both of you would be an interesting one. Between the drinks, the books, the food, and the our journey through spaces, we would probably end up with a help group for amateur writers dealing with finding light. Hehehe.
Besides that it would be great to see both of you. Just hope i survive to tell the story.
I'll pretend I didn't read the first part of that reply 😒
Lol! What are you two fighting about? 🙊
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We are like two siblings most times. I pinch, poke and stick my tongue out at her just for fun and she does not seem to react well to my pinches and pokes and my tongue too. Hehehe.
Hehehe. Dragged you out, i did. Made you look , i did
Interesting it would be. Africa needs such. Probably it will be a wake up call to our fellow brothers and sisters to venture into crypto. Don't you think? Anyways, my finger are crossed!
Aha. The books. The catch ups. The unending love and light. It would be perfect.
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Yeah at least it would make them understand that crypto is not all about bitcoin trading. With binance listing the nigerian naira recently it is obvious that eyes are turning to the african market and the potential it has to be a driver of the crypto economy as well as the assimilation of blockchain tech into mainstream use. We hope steem sees this and capitalises on it. It would be mad fun. My fingers are crossed too.
Yeah and i in the middle trying to keep my head attached to my neck because @chinyerevivian likes to crush my bones for fun. Lol, i hope i can keep up. I have not been reading too many african authors. I intend to remedy that soon. I must have fodder because i hate stilted convos. I like it flowing like liquor deep into the night when everyone becomes philosophical and sad or especially excited. I am rambling. Good night
This made me smile. You're not alone. I too feel I'm not doing/writing enough. Some days, I stare at my written work and feel I'm not cut out for the life. But I keep pushing, first for the inspiration I get on here, and second, to keep my sanity lol.
I hope steemfest comes to Africa real soon. We can talk about useless YouTube videos if it comes down to it eh.
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If you go through it too... Who is cut for this life? At times I feel so fake but when it's time to bleed, I feel relieved. It's like a sweet curse I can't seem to do away with.
See why I love you? You are even willing to discuss my stupid YouTube videos 🙊🥰
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Haha. Oh, I have enough stupid videos on my list, believe me. It goes both ways.
I'm slowly learning to see things the way they are and accept them. They was a time I held onto the dark so tight and felt inadequate with something beautiful because it was the only way I knew. Being an overthinker didn't help. You'll get there. Just let things fall into place.
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I think that's where I am stuck. Clutching the dark like there can be no light... When I let go of inadequacy then I'll sing the song of freedom 💃
Can't wait 💕
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I can't give advice on procrastination as my writing is my outlet from having to do other things ;D
I used to procrastinate a lot but found the cur is to push through. Once I started doing that, I became much more creative, even though what I was doing might not have been.
The trick for me is, turn off the shit. You are what you eat and if you consume shit, that is what gets regurgitated. You want to be creative, stop consuming and start doing.
When my critic is loud, she says all of these things. I listen then like a stoned soul I drift back to laziness and the fear of writing something people don't want to read. It's something I should be done with considering how much inspiration and motivation those who assume I can write have given me but I am stuck.
Here is to working harder to get out :D
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Write only what you want to write.
What I want to write is too transparent for my pervert mind 🙊
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So the fear isn't about whether others like your writing, the fear is whether you are willing to write what you want.
I think I am the problem most of the time but I am trying to accept what I create. Thank you :)