What is dark magic? How does it work? The answers might surprise you.
Sly grinning sorcerer in a strikingly shiny black tophat struts onto the stage. An expectant crowd applauds and sends upbeat vibes.
Magician (waving, grinning): Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! You’re too kind! What you’re about to see is stunningly real! Or not…...Or both? Before we begin, I’d like to introduce my lovely assistant, Storm! She’s the first humanoid A.I. performer in history! Or is she…..? Come on out, Storm!
An artificially crafted female in a dazzling outfit gracefully makes an entrance.
Magician: Now, would a brave soul from this handsome audience please volunteer to assist with this grand dark magic trick?
About a third of people anxiously raise hands.
Magician (pointing): You there, on the third row, the young lady with the wavy brown hair and dimples.
Surprised woman points to herself.
Magician: Yes, you, please come on stage and help me bedazzle the rest of our dear audience.
Boisterous woman trots happily down the aisle and flies up the stage steps.
Magician: Love the energy! Great enthusiasm! What’s your name?
Woman (grinning ear to ear): I’m Paris.
Magician: Paris, a lovely name! Paris, are you ready to begin?
Paris claps and nods exuberantly.
Magician (turns to Storm): Storm, would you please bring out the first items we need?
Storm wheels out some fancy room service carts. Each cart has a large covered plate.
Magician: Thank you, Storm. (steps to first cart, faces Paris) Paris, to begin, I’ll just ask you some simple questions about the contents of these covered dishes. (pulls lid to reveal first plate, audience gasps)
Paris: Oh my!
Magician: Paris, these are monkey kidneys. Have you seen a monkey kidney before?
Paris (horrified face): I don’t think so.
Magician: Most people haven’t! (reaches into pocket, pulls out syringe) Now Paris, the question is, would you allow me to inject you with a bit of monkey kidney?
Paris (even more horrified): Heavens, no! How barbaric!
Magician (nonchalant): Oh, come now Paris, just a teeny-weeny-itsy-bit of monkey kidney shot into your blood stream?
Paris: You’re a madman!
Magician (cackling): Oh, my dear, you ain’t seen nothin yet! (steps to next plate)
Magician: Very well, no monkey kidney for you. (lifts lid from second dish, displaying huge chunk of raw flesh)
Audience mostly gasps, except a couple psychos cackle with delight.
Magician: Paris, this is part of a cow. This time I ask you to please allow me to inject you with just a tad of this cow. How does that sound?
Magician (shaking head disappointedly): You’re a tough sell, Paris. Ok, very well, no cow injection, either. (steps to third cart, pulls lid, revealing a plastic bottle)
Magician: Paris, this is a bottle of Formaldehyde. Are you aware of what Formaldehyde is?
Paris: Isn’t that what they use to preserve dead bodies?
Magician: Yes, that is one of its uses. So what I’d like to do, Paris, is inject just a wee bit of Formaldehyde into your arm. Is that ok?
Paris: I don’t think so.
Magician: Why not?
Paris: Lots of reasons.
Magician (shrugs): Fair enough. (turns to Storm) Storm, please reveal our next apparatus.
Storm pulls back a huge curtain at the back of the stage, revealing a giant TV.
Magician: Paris, please go with Storm to the TV.
Magician (to the audience): This will just take a moment. Please be patient.
Paris puts on headphones and is mesmerized by a vast array of scientifically-crafted imagery and sound. Happy, healthy children playing. Families smiling. White-coats injecting.........
Magician: And now for the final act. (turns to Storm) Please bring our esteemed secret guest from backstage, Storm.
A curtain opens and an distinguished-looking middle-aged gentleman in a shiny white coat comes to the front with Storm.
Magician: Welcome, sir. Please state your name and title.
White Coat: Hi, I’m doctor Seymour Graves.
Magician: Fabulous name for a doctor!
Audience chuckles nervously.
Magician (turns to Paris): Paris, the good doctor here is prepared to give you a free vaccination. The Dtap-IPV, to be exact. Have you had a Dtap before?
Paris: Um, I’m not sure. I think so.
Magician: Do you agree to take the vaccine?
Paris: Well, is he a real doctor?
Magician: Yes, as real as that white coat!
Paris: Well, I guess I should to stay healthy. And it’s free, so yeah, I guess I can.
Magician: Very good, Paris. Now, before Doctor Graves gives you the injection, we’re going to examine some of the ingredients in the vaccine. That’s a good idea, right?
Paris: Yeah, I guess.
Magician pulls out vaccine ingredient list.
Magician: Hmmmm, let’s see here. There are lots of ingredients. Wouldn’t ya know it, there are monkey kidney cells, bovine extract, calf serum, and formaldehyde.
Paris: Oh, my!
Magician: Isn’t modern medicine amazing? Paris, not to worry, this vaccine is perfectly safe. (turns to doctor) Isn’t that right, my expert white-coated accomplice?
Doctor Graves: Perfectly fine. You want to be healthy, right?
Paris: Well, yeah. Wow, I didn’t know that stuff was in vaccines.
Magician (smug): Most people don’t. Are you ready to take the shot, Paris?
Paris: Yeah, I guess. I wanna be healthy.
Magician: Please proceed, doctor.
Doctor Seymour Graves take out shiny needle and jabs into Paris's arm. She winces a bit.
Magician: Paris, you’ve just been injected with all the stuff that 5 minutes ago you were horrified and disgusted by. (turns to audience)
Magician: Ladies and gentlemen, if that isn’t magic of the darkest sort, then I don’t know what is! One last thing before we take a bow. Paris, you might have some side effects from the vaccine, just to let you know. You might get a fever, seizure, go into a coma, or suffer permanent brain damage, just to name a few. (turns to audience) Thank you for attending this dark magic display!
Audience cheers. Paris grimaces with uncertainty. Doctor has fixed smug look. Magician grins, bows six times, curtains close.
For those interested in learning about vaccine ingredients, here's a list from the CDC.
Thanks for your time and attention!
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Top image is from wikipedia.