The Boy Who Loved To Sing (Part7)

I relapsed. I put Isaiah in the bathtub and walked downstairs to get the paper, I needed to keep up. I poured bubble bath in the tub and he laughed. Everything was fine.

I walked down to the foyer and grabbed a St. Louis Post-Dispatch and looked up and there was a cooler full of free beer, amenities, with a sign that said "grab a couple."

I remember not much until Isaiah was shaking me the next morning. My head was spinning it was 10:18 according to the clock on the bedside stand. What had I done? By the look on his face it didn't seem like he was upset but I felt devastated.

"You put the cereal really high I can't reach it." "Oh, sorry I'll be right out, OK?" Just go out I'll be right there I have to go to the bathroom.

FUCK. My head was really spinning now. I stood up. I walked across the hall and took deep breaths. I can do this, I thought. I have to. What the fuck happened?

I stabilized myself on the sink. I looked at myself - what a loser. You are good for nothing. You're an addict. No one will ever love you.

Jesus I got to get out there and get that cereal. OK, hang on and take deep breaths. Walk slow.

Everything started to come into view, thank goodness. Once I started concentrating on my breathing everything was fine.

Isaiah was bouncing around the living room. My breathing was coming into focus.

"Can we finish playing the game!"

Oh gawd. The game? Whatever he wants at this point. I guess we were playing Scrabble, I hadn't brought that game out in years but he's such a smart kid. I started to remember.

REVERBERATING. 1, 2, 5, 1, 3, 1, 1, 3, 1, 1, 1.

I was still trying, in the back of my mind, figure out what could have made me drink to the point of not remembering anything. Apparently, nothing bad happened, nothing bad ever really happened because I was alone most of the time. I came out of it clean this time but how would I take care of Isaiah in the future?

Take care of him? I don't even know what is going on.

I relaxed into our game. I really needed to know what was going on with me. I let him win. "I need to take a shower now and take a nap OK. You want some Spaghettios?"

I fed him and went into the bedroom. A half drank bottle of vodka under my pillow. I rarely drank hard stuff. Laptop is still on.

Then I saw. "You are an addict. Why do think I won't come see you?"

I glanced through some more messages. "Why are you fighting with me then?"

"I'm leaving for a mission and I will be gone for a year and a half. I can't have a relationship with you."

Jesus Christ.

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@soulsistashakti is a chillout and dance musical artist and writer based in NYC. You can check out my music on my FB artist page at https://www.facebook.com/soulsistashakti

Part 6

Listen to some music