The person manipulated has, after the fact, the impression of being made to have by the other which has reached its ends.
She then feels emotions varying from one person to another: anger, bitterness, guilt towards herself, loss of self-confidence, disappointment, etc.
The disappointment, especially, can be very strong because the confrontation with this manipulation is painful.
Indeed, the other got what he wanted through a threat (direct or otherwise), which is not precisely a proof of love.
As when we were children, our parents could threaten us with various punishments if we did not obey them or worse, they sometimes threatened to no longer love each other, to put us in boarding school ... when they did not say that we would cause them to die, worry !
It is about emotional blackmail: "You love Mamma, do not you, then you do not want to hurt her: do this, do that ..."
In a couple, it's the same principle.
Some people actually feel that their couple is at stake if they do not give in, or that the other is unable to withstand a refusal (he comes out of a depression, lives a bad time at work , etc.).
They think that the other has no doubt about their response to their demands: the refusal seems unthinkable, unimaginable, quite simply.
Emotional blackmail and emotion manipulation
The person who has yielded to blackmail first experiences fear: "What if the threat was real? If he left me if I do not accept ...? ".
She feels obliged to yield, otherwise she will experience too great a guilt.
Especially since the master singer knows how to touch the sensitive points of his partner: "someone like you can not refuse me such proof of love", "I would have believed you less selfish "After all, I do not ask you much, why would you refuse?" ", & C.
On the other hand, people who are manipulated do not always realize that, in their relationship, only the desires of the other are taken into account: but perhaps they do not dare to express them because they obviously do not are not supposed to have.
Affective blackmail and seduction
A "master singer" is never (or very rarely) stingy with marks of attention and love.
On the contrary, he knows how to seduce, compliment and charm his partner, especially when he has obeyed her.
He can be very affectionate, which confers the person manipulated in the idea that he is right not to upset him - and in his guilt if he dared to do so.
Because "he is a charming being, he can express his desires, right?" , "It would be really selfish on my part to thwart him".
Emotional blackmail and power
To do emotional blackmail is to take power over the other, it is to want to prove oneself to one's domination.
What the master singers do not know is that deep down, their fear of losing that power, of "losing face" is great.
These fears are intimately linked to a great lack of self-esteem, which has been established most often since childhood, or as a result of events that have abruptly eroded their self-esteem and confidence.
The feeling of power over the other is synonymous for them of feeling of security: it is only by dominating the other that they feel reassured.
Any refusal to yield to their blackmail would be tantamount to reviving them, to awakening the anxiety and the anxieties already lived and so disturbing.
To do emotional blackmail is for them a reparation either of their history (with their parents, professors), or of the events that so confused them.
The classic pattern of emotional blackmail
Generally, affective blackmail follows a repetitive pattern according to the following steps:
the request of the master singer, expressed most often in the form of proof of love: "I know that you will do this for me, for you are generous."
The reluctance to answer from the other that this demand may astonish, contradict.
The insistence of the master singer before this hesitation: he wants to convince to retain power. He can use rational arguments (he is mostly persuaded of the correctness of his demand), or seduction, moral lesson, or even invoke love as "good" reason to accede to his request.
He can also recall "all he did" for the other: "That's how you thank me! "
Guilt and remorse are powerful levers for successful manipulation: everything that is wrong is" necessarily "the fault of the other who must be" bad "or even" not normal "to do it so badly .
Bad faith is thus very often present in the arguments used.
Threats, veiled or direct.
The master singer can use different means.
→Hard: "There is no question that you refuse"
→or infantilising and insulting: "if you are not able to understand me, I do not know why I am wasting my time with you"; (It is the play of the martyr, of the victim who wants to make people feel guilty): "I thought you loved me more", "you think only of yourself" (sometimes he can threaten to put an end to his days !).
He can also promise a "reward", as with a child: "You will see, I will love you even more, you will not regret it, I am not an ungrateful person" silence and sulking, or threatening (directly or not) with the break.
Acceptance: the person capitulates, frightened by the threat and guilt at the thought of hurting the master singer.
The discussion has become useless: the latter will not listen to any argument.
Both give in and have peace.
This pattern will be repeated after a longer or shorter period of lull.
The master singer is satisfied, the other, who has yielded, does not feel very comfortable, not very proud of her (of him) for a while, but appreciates the tranquility and the apparent (and sometimes real) renewal of love of his (her) partner.
It is, moreover, the repetition of the process which makes it possible to speak of emotional blackmail.
it is therefore important to ask ourselves how can we overcome our sufferings?
Stay tuned for a story of Lizzy and Greg a story that gives you another insight of what emotional blackmail is and how to overcome the sufferings that comes with emotionalblackmail.