Hey there gang, 'sup?
Yep, here I am. It was a fucked up day, y'know. Same old, same old, right? Hehe :)
Some funny things I feel anytime I come here, but for whatever reasons I've never shared them with you. Sorry for that, guys, but, as you can probably see I'm in deep shit. Me and mom, both. Life lately, rarely allows us to think about you two. We've never actually had the time to deal with the pain.
It's getting so fucked up now, that, when I think about it, it's probably the only reason I came here to share my feelings tonight. Which, you both know is something I don't like to do much...
Especially with you, Zo. Dad doesn't have to be burdened with this, yet it's kinda inevitable.
You know, one thing, one major difference in our shared life experience, one way we always, I believe, were different in, was regarding our feelings about home.
It was more than obvious that, as time went by and the number of hospitals you got shipped through was increasing, as the treatments and surgeries you underwent were straying further away from routine and bringing less hope, you were understandably happier to come home. Even though it was the same physical hell for you, no matter the location, wasn't it? You screamed in pain at home exactly the same you did in the hospital.
But not every aspect of the pain was the same. We know what the heart wants, right?
Yeah, well, not me. Sorry, this is the first time for both of you to hear this, and it may come as a shock. But, I feel the time is now and there's really no smooth way to bring it up. So, there it is.
I know I may seem bitchy and ungrateful sitting here crying how awful life it is to a couple of people that don't have it anymore. But I am honestly envious right now. I wish we could trade places, right now, right here. No second thoughts. Not anymore.
I know, man, I know. It's not what I meant, let me finish...you always do this. Calm the fuck down for once. You'll take care of her, that's what trading places mean man. I don't want to be here, you are her father, you should be here!
You know who got hit with the bad news first? Who got hit with the worst news first? You know who couldn't stand the thought of touching the door knob of our apartment, paralyzed in fear of more bad news, while being way too young to be able to do anything about it? I mean, other than looking for someone - or rather something - to put the blame on, that is.
It was fucked up, man. For all of us. I know you never realized all the shit I went through at the same time, rather just feared it. What else could you do, knowing you couldn't help, in case it was needed? They taught you to take care of me, but you were cowardly prevented by this shit that some call it life. But our family knows better than being foolish like that, hehe :)
Life's been all but life to us.
Now, nowadays, this place feels like home. You have no idea how good it feels to be here. I wish I could stay here, in every sense of the word.
Aaargh!! Well I fucking miss you, man! Both of you!!! I'm lost now...nobody's helping...so stop saying that! I know I can't just choose death, I'm just saying...
Yeah, well I would've chosen it if I'd knew you'd go on! I'd be fucking ecstatic to do so! But missing you is not the worst thing...I need you. Both of you. You know, our three-legged chair lost two legs, man. How the fuck was this supposed to work out...but, who has the time to thinker that shit. Anyway, sorry for getting mad. I know that's another surprise, but it becomes easier to get mad, day by day. And it feels increasingly better, to be honest. It throws me off balance, but then again, was anyone of us ever truly balanced? We've never had the time, never had the chance.
No, man, nobody is to blame, I'm not doing that anymore. I stopped blaming people & shit around me. Can't blame life anymore, neither, because I'm not a recipient anymore. I'm a giver now. I'm a provider - with a poor, poor track record so far. But my bottom line is just that - bottom - and it says - the fight goes on. Surrender is not an option, pushing up is the only action available on the menu.
Aaaanyway, good to be here, with you. That's all I wanted to say.
Feels like home, the graveyard. Creepily comfortable, and in some extremely perverted manner relaxing. Remembering what it's like to be able to tell someone about your day, curse at life with the right people for the job.
Wow! Something just occurred to me! Huhuh :)
I got it now! I'm becoming sentimental, man, THAT'S why I'm getting mad often! Right? I mean, that must be it! Yup, you're right. I guess that's the problem - no going back. I'm not sure I can turn back to the extremely logical persona I used to be.
Can life really break you like that?
Speaking of life, let's lighten the topic up a bit. The second of the funny feelings - the ones I mentioned when I arrived here - I get is, the fact that, this place, ironically, is bustling of life. I mean, if there was less concrete around, I'm not sure I'd be able to find you guys. Seriously. You need to see this, and I'm not talking about the weeds only. Or the flora as a whole. There are so many dogs, cats, goats, horses, donkeys, insects, bugs...I wouldn't even be surprised if a dragon came out spitting fire around here these days.
And, the noise! It's like an agricultural market during the day, and Black Mosque just dominates both churches right after sunset. I think they upgraded their PA system, significantly. That's why I love seeing you the most after midnight. Yeah, the gypsies are usually quite active at this time, so there's that, but still. Relatively quiet, for a gypsy neighborhood standards.
Work's hard. It will be a while before we pull ourselves out of this mess, but we'll do it. We have to, don't you think so?
No, I'm not really sure, but I know it will involve a lot of sweat, for a long time to come. What else is there, anyway? The blood and the tears have dried up the moment you left me.
Before I go, remember I love you both, and I miss you. We've spawned two more legs, so now I have the potential to put the chair back up again.
Wish me luck.