Diary of A Modern Man: Entry #8
Hey, I'm feeling pretty melancholic today so sorry for the depressing tone.
Saturday 8th April - The Diary of A Modern Man.
I've been thinking about a conversation I had with Kathy. We got on to the topic of the future. A topic I don't really talk about with people. Hell, I don't really talk about anything important with anyone. I keep a lid on things. Always have. I guess I'm afraid that if I open up then people have ammunition against me. As cynical as it may be, I'd rather keep everyone at arms length and feel safe.
Anyway, we were talking about our life plans. Kathy laid out her plan in front of me. She had everything laid out. What she wanted to do when she finished university, where she wanted to live, the works. She seemed adamant she was going to stick to it. It seems a little far-fetched to me. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that...
When she finished she asked me about my plans. I froze. I've never bothered with a plan. Sure, I've got dreams. Aspirations; but not a plan. It's not just life, I never plan anything. I just wing it and hope for the best. Although, after having spoken to Kathy I fear that 'winging it' may not be the best approach to life. I'm worried that I will look back in years to come and regret not having made at least an outline.
I want so much to be successful. Okay, so I've got my own definition of successful. There's nothing wrong with that. But I still also want to be other people's definition of successful. I've started watching Mad Men recently. I love the successful lifestyle the characters lead. Sure, it isn't particularly my idea of success, but it's success nonetheless. I believe I have so much potential that if I don't succeed I'll be devastated.
It doesn't help that my personal fear that I'm incapable of feeling love and passion past lust or pride means I'm constantly afraid. Afraid that I will never be able to accomplish anything.
I haven't spoken to Amber today. We've been in contact pretty much everyday. Nothing major, just a simple 'hey'. Enough to brighten my day. Maybe that's contributing to my melancholy. I guess I fear I'm coming off as clingy. That's not who I am, in fact I'm usually guilty of the exact opposite. I hate playing games but I think it's kind of needed here. I'm going to try and refrain from texting her for a few days.
No matter how hard I find it.
Thanks for reading, any comments, questions, or advice comment below! Or head over to @modern-man to follow me and check out the rest of my series
