I'd love to hear them. If you don't want to give them publicly I can get on discord in the writers block. Either way works for me. Bring on the brutal honesty!
Haha! I don't do 'brutal'. I try to give constructive, positive criticism.
You have two different formats for the numbers, 11045mornings and 11,045 days - try to keep things like this the same, it helps the mind of your reader remember these little details.
You introduce a people to the story and we want to know why he is a screw-up - this is good, it's making your readers question what's happening.
I like the introduction of a well-known legend. King Arthur's Gold?
As @s0u1 mentioned, he stripped to his underwear to swim across the stream. If perhaps the stream wasn't so very deep, he could have kept his clothes on and therefore, kept the pocket.
It's your story, you can do whatever you like with it. If a detail gets in the way, change it. It's your story to do what you like with it.
I think you've written this in a rush to get it out for the competition and while that's good that you can just write this out, your story would benefit from leaving it to cool off for a while, even over-night is good.
When you come back to your piece, read it slowly, with the eyes of a person just coming to the story new, never read it before.
It might help if you read it out loud and record yourself, changing the things that don't sound like they quite work (pockets in underwear).
I hope this wasn't too brutal and I also hope it helped you with your writing.
Can you read it now?
Yes, I read it, well done.
I have a few tips if you'd like to hear them?
No pressure and I don't mind if you don't :)
Good effort, a nice, clear message to your story.
I'd love to hear them. If you don't want to give them publicly I can get on discord in the writers block. Either way works for me. Bring on the brutal honesty!
Haha! I don't do 'brutal'. I try to give constructive, positive criticism.
You have two different formats for the numbers, 11045mornings and 11,045 days - try to keep things like this the same, it helps the mind of your reader remember these little details.
You introduce a people to the story and we want to know why he is a screw-up - this is good, it's making your readers question what's happening.
I like the introduction of a well-known legend. King Arthur's Gold?
As @s0u1 mentioned, he stripped to his underwear to swim across the stream. If perhaps the stream wasn't so very deep, he could have kept his clothes on and therefore, kept the pocket.
It's your story, you can do whatever you like with it. If a detail gets in the way, change it. It's your story to do what you like with it.
I think you've written this in a rush to get it out for the competition and while that's good that you can just write this out, your story would benefit from leaving it to cool off for a while, even over-night is good.
When you come back to your piece, read it slowly, with the eyes of a person just coming to the story new, never read it before.
It might help if you read it out loud and record yourself, changing the things that don't sound like they quite work (pockets in underwear).
I hope this wasn't too brutal and I also hope it helped you with your writing.