Unwanted.

That was the first word comes to my mind when I discovered the Pandora box of my life.

At the beginning, I dared not to open it but I did. I know; it shouldn't. Even as I am writing this, I cursed my curiosity for opening that Pandora box which brought me upon my downfall.

For the first time in my life, I met my birth mother who carried me nine months inside her womb. If you asked me how it was, It wasn't like the happy scene of reconciling as you see in the movie. It was just like you find out your date tinder profile picture was heavily photoshoped. There was a lot of awkwardness betweeen both us.

In my attempt to know my identity,I tried to stay with her for about a month during my freshman holiday. At that time, I was also running away from home right after they (my foster parents) handed me the Pandora box.

Throughout my whole stay, I only saw her once or twice passing the living room to the workspace. During the meal time,she would have dinner by herself and I have to cook my own.And when I woke up in the morning as early as 6 am, she was nowhere to be found. L, would be back around 6 pm and shut herself into the workspace. I can even count our interactions, it was about 10 sentences or even less each day.L, didn't seem to care about my presence in the house, she went on with her life and even a visitor would be treated better. So,I decided to go back into my flat earlier than I've planned cause I was fed up.

My short stay experience has proven that she wasn't meant to be a mother. Simultaneously, I was having complicated feelings like all adopted child meeting their birth mother after years. I expected something from L and little did I know, I was already erased from her life directory.

It probably was a mistake of me to suddenly come to her after seventeen years and coming with some sort of expectations. And since my first stay, our relationship and communication were on and off.

And again, I cursed my curiosity for wanting to know more about my identity but as I know more, I grew so bitter to myself as I kept seeing a pattern. I was going towards the same road being a workaholic and sleepless woman who hates home.

For about a year, I tried to keep all the feelings by myself as I have no place to share nor shoulder to cry on. I hid it all, until I made a best friend and decided to tell her my story. It was relieving knowing that we are all bounded by shit in a different way. She was on her own and I was with mine. Both of us grew so bitterly and sarcastically about ourselves. We joked on our misery that made us feels good about it. Little did people know, we both were dying.

Long short story, last year took a toll on me. I had a major accident that almost cost me a life. During that hardship, I did not see L visiting me in the hospital. She visited long after I came back from the hospital. L, came into my flat with only a sentence and a disappointment in her face even the accident was not my fault.

For about a month,I was taken care of by my mother who stayed with me in my flat. She was an angelic beautiful creature. My mother was patiently taking care and spoiling me. Fortunately, we don't get along because we have different values.Deep down I love her, I mean it but I couldn't stay. As of now, I am completly living and surviving on my own, carrying emotional baggage which I have to let go.

Coming back to my relationship with L,

Just about two months ago, our interaction was becoming more intense. I felt like I have a family even with our imperfectness. I felt like L, was trying to redeem herself and figuring her life out. We planned holiday overseas, upcoming business plan, and even asked me what I wanted. But, it was all just a plan.

She continuously asking me to do her job because she knew, I would do it for free and that I love working. She knew, she could always lie about the rewards and promises to me as I still clinging and wishing onto her. Naively, I was also proud of her achievements in life. Which at some point, I wanted to be as successful as her.

And a couple of days ago, I've had enough of everything. I forgive her for things she did in the past but never ever I want to be will be affiliated with L. I've had enough of being treated like a stranger,a bitter memory and all the negativity which comes in.

My perennial questions will only do me no good so it is enough; I told to myself. I cannot accept this fact at the beginning but as time goes by, I realise there is no place for me in her life.

In the end, she still thinks I am a memento of her bitter past. And just like every adopted child, I swallow my bitterness and decided to stop ask.

I decided to share this just so anyone could see the life through the lense of an adopted child. We have our bitterness. Sometimes, we wonder why we are here the first place looking at our past but when we look at people who love us, we feel very grateful and forget our misery.

Bonne journée tout le monde 💓

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