Something inside, understanding myself better
There is this feeling of longing, a feeling of something missing. I should do more, I should try harder...
I had trouble falling asleep yesterday, maybe it was the lack of activities during the day(I did spend my 14 hours of awake indoors). Maybe it was because I did not exhaust my mind at all, as I felt like I had done a lot in the past days and I needed a break.
I have had this feeling all my life, that empty nudging feeling of ''I can do things, why am I limited to not doing things because of my finances?''. That feeling like I could help so much more, that I could have so much more. I guess it is hard to go against the current. We are all so used to our nine-to-five jobs, which are barely bearable, and the four week vacation that is supposed to be enough is erasing our dissatisfaction. We get numbed down and the voice inside stops screaming. But I would never let it stop, I need something that drives me.
I have found something that I love. An environment where I do not have to be so stressed, an environment that I actually like. I know what I am doing now is going to take time to actually turn in a profit that lets me survive let alone live, but I am ready to work even though I sometimes have doubts and my spirits get crushed. I get up again and I start over. Because this is better for me, this is a thousand times better than doing a job that I hate and that slowly kills me inside.
I guess my problem with myself is that I want all the good tings to happen today, I want to have the independence, I want to have the power to influence my and other lives for the better. I want to build schools and orphanages today, not sometime in the future. I want to live today, not sometime in the future. But I know Babylon was not built in a day, so I am trying.
The hard part is that none of us know the time we have, so I do not want to waste a minute, but I do not know the answers to all the questions, I have my fears and my doubts. I do not want to be able to influence lives sometime in the mysterious future, I want to help now and I do in small ways. But I want more, and yet again, I know, to truly be able to help I need to work on myself. To truly be a person I want to be, I still have a long way to go.
There is that feeling in me that I could do great things, for myself and others, but I think there is something holding me back, and that something can only be me. I am afraid to make mistakes, I have lived in modern society, I have picked up traits I want to let go of. And I know for a fact that in few years I will think a little differently, I will see more, just like I see more now than I saw a couple of years ago.
There is sense of purpose in most of us, but it is different for each. I just want to be useful, I do not want to be too selfish even though I believe that each of us should be a little egoistical, just to take care of ourselves. This is something I learned recently, if you can't take care of yourself, you will have hard time helping others. But I do not want the world to be the same in a twenty years than it is today, I want more from us, I want more from the humanity.
I want compassion, love and understanding, I want less fears to talk to the other gender in our childhood, I want less fears to be shut down by somebody when I voice my opinion, I want less fears of making mistakes, I want more understanding between each of us. I want us to be better, not just to our animals, but to our fellow humans.
This is me, my deepest wishes and my deepest struggles. We all need to prove ourselves to ourselves, we all need to believe that we deserve things. We do not trust each other as we should, we do not talk to each other as we should, we are not ready to help another, because more often than not we think about ourselves much more than we think about the whole humanity. Yes, we are important, but we are not more important than the next person around, the next kid around, the next future around.
This is something I wrote to motivate myself, to let you understand me better
Have a great day, week and life!
Linda
Thank you for sharing this personal nugget of beautiful writing with us @lindahas. :c)
In truth do believe that I quite know what you mean. I certainly know how it feels to be underemployed - underempowered - underachieving.
One thing that I'd love to see in a future post from yourself, is an outline of the kinds of things that you believe that you would like to do if empowered. :c) If its too broad a subject then maybe it can take the form of several posts. ^_^
Thanks again for being "real"!
Haha, thank you for the read!
I am mostly focusing on my stories to write on lately, I only sometimes write about my thoughts :D
The things I want to do is help children, mostly. I have written of it before. I see adults as people capable of taking care of themselves, but children still need help. There are too many of kids out there who do not get enough love and food. There are too many kids who are insecure who are not training their brain accordingly to their strengths and weaknesses. We have a problem in my country with too many buildings not being in a great condition. Plus, I recently read about an orphanage for babies in Latvia. The adults there did not give the kids even an hour of attention and that is supposed to slow down a child's development. I just want to bring the awareness to people.
And the business part is that I want to go into real-estate(to rent) to build my wealth and help kids, not only in my own country, but where it is necessary. @schoolforsdg4 is something I am working with currently and it is a project that I agree with deeply, even though I do not agree with the schooling system we have where I am at, primary school education is something I see as very necessary.
I also do not just want to create charities, I want to go places and help myself, not by a middle man that takes a cut out of donations.
I dunno man, I just want to make the world a better place and I am already proud of the things I am starting to do as they demand me to be a better person.
Hope that helps explain it? Or are you more into the technical plan of how I want to do things? :)
We each have our passions in life but sometimes we hae a difficult time putting such into words. :c)
As such we often find it harder to take the next step forwards - our desires trapped within the abstract corridors of our minds.
Thank you for sharing - the technical plan should easier flow from the above. ^_^
Yes, good idea! I'd like to read those too.
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The perception of change and what speed it is coming at is clouded by the fears induced by media. Even if it might be unintentionally done for profits, it is still there. But the change we are seeing in this world when it comes to compassion and humanism is unprecedented. Never before have we so rappidly moved towards a better world as in the last 50-100 years.
This is going exponentially faster and faster thanks to the computer and internet giving birth to social media and its tremendous spread of news and information has changed the speed we are moving forward in. Blockchain technology is another step in that direction of moving the people of this world closer. In the not to distant future you will most likely see the introduction of citizen sallaries as ai technology and robots takes over most of the jobs.
Its not so easy to see the change happening and how hughe it actually is when your living right in the middle of the change happening. (Offcourse we should all keep working towards that change to our outmost capacity, nothing really comes out of apaty. But how each individuall work towards that change differs, some choose to write...)
I do not know if I can fully agree with the fact that we are changing for the better, at least not fast. Life quality and education yes, but how we act towards each other is different, there is still awful amount of poverty, violence and hunger that a lot of people do not notice because they are in the middle of evolving society. It is hard to believe that there are countries full of children living under bridges and without parents. There are countless countries where human rights are not taken seriously. And we, the people in the more developed countries may be living in the middle of a change, but there is always change. We still waste more food than we eat, we still talk behind each others backs and children still laugh of each other not realizing they hurt each other, schools still try to make birds out of fishes. We may say that we take care of our nature, but there is not a real sense of connection with it.
And yet again, more intelligent people are born every day, I like to think that we help each other more, that we do have compassion that will not be extinguished by borders. Races matter less and people are starting to realize that there is no difference between different skin colors. There is hope for less ignorant people and a hope for more open minded persons. Hope that opinions will not be shut down, just because one person does not agree with them.
Its about perspective. If you view it from they 1 year perspective or the "inthenow" perspective then its not fast at all. Its horrible to see how we still treat each other and theres still plenty of inequality in this word such as you describe it. But if we are looking at a bigger perspective and compare it to other timeframes in history it is moving exponentially faster. If you for example take a time period of 1200-1900 it might seem like nothing compared to for example 1920-2017 when it comes to the speed of change for the better.
That is 700 years of history compared to 97 years of history and in those 97 years more has happened for equality then in the other 700 mentioned. This is what I mean with "exponentially faster". This does not mean we should just sit back and watch it happen, it is because more and more ask and work for the change that it is happening. But it is as I said previously also very much due to computing evolving according to an exponential curve doubling in power every second year (Moores law), making technological progress exponentially growing.
I also think that in the west we might not see a revolution like the french back in 1848 again, but rather we might be already taking part in it with blockchain technology and ai/robotics.
Then again, its easier for me to look at the big picture when its external...my own internal world is in turmoil and seeing the big picture there...well thats at times impossible.
I just like discussing existentialism and humanism. :)
Haha, yeah, technologically we have evolved a lot in the last years, I totally agree with that part.
I think there are a lot of things that a lot of people do not do only because we know more and we have access to more info. The society has built a system to detect when somebody does something unethical, so people just hide it better and are afraid to do something, even though some serial killers and pedophiles slip through the cracks once in a while.
Equality is a new thing, but cave-women probably did not care about it as they were happy to be protected from predators and their instincts did not scream that there was something wrong, that happened gradually, the wish for us women to be seen as equals.
I do not think the last hundreds of years have changed our nature that much, though. Education, yes. Hygiene, yes. Societies views of what is good and bad, yes. But not our nature and preferences.
I feel like this is going to turn into an existential discussion :D
Its not just about revealing unethicall behaviour though. New information that promotes progress have a far wider reach today then just 20 years back. Theres a shift going on at a speed previously unimagined.
For example, in approxiamtely around 1950 there was a study ”revealing” that fat was a primary culprit to heart disease, turns out this is not the case and that carbs is one of the main reasons and a decrease in fat consumption can actually be contributing to this. The last 15 years this has come to surface at a rapid speed. Thoose who gains from for example diabetes medication tries to fight this new revelation but the ones advocating fat is gaining grounds due to science backing them empirically but primarily due to the amazing power behind spreading the word online.
The study in the 1950 advocating the fat scare was actually poorly done and would not have held its ground if it hade seen the light today for that long. Theese are some of the positive changes made due to the spread through social medias and the internet being public domain.
Another good example would be the #metoo movement that would not have came out into the light with souch force if it where not for social media/internet.
Just a thought on equality, when I speak of equality I do not mean it just from a feministic standpoint but also when it comes to redistribution of wealth and social security.
There is still emense unequality in the world, at times the cracks are widening, but in the long run I believe the rift between poverty and wealth will be bridged and get much closer then it is today.
As for the change of the human nature, thats a much slover process indeed. For us to catch up to this rapid change happening around us will take time. But due to the technologicall progress thats happening in this time and era it will have a turbo boosted effect on us as well. We are still in its infacy. In a way, social media/internet has brought us both closer and farther away from eachother, but that gap will close when we look up from our screens and embrace the world around us aswell as the world beyond our reach that we interact with online.
I hope it will happen in our lifetime, a visible chance in human nature and the world outlook of humans altogether.
P.S I am a little drained, so I am not so long in my answer, but I agree with most of your arguments on some levels, I just am not swayed towards one opinion more than another, I am going to see it with time and act accordingly, try harder when pushed and even when not. As long as we care, there will be a better future :)
All your want will be done one day I hope. Everything I read from above is realistic and good advice who still think they can't do anything. "Don't die before your death" recently repeat in my mind. I remember KFC founder's story and I think the success can come at any stage of your life.
That is true and wise, one should never ever give up!
I love it, I think you're on the right way so far, sometimes I'm driven to get quick results but one thing is what you want and another is what life holds for us, I think you have the talent and strength to meet your goals , good luck and greetings.
We just have so little time, that is why I want to do things now, I want to change the world, even though that is a silly idea :D
Yes, it is true, a person needs to be ready to help others :)
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