Don’t Judge Me?

Look, I’m a writer. So for me, words matter. And I’ve got plenty of pet peeves when it comes to common phrases and ideas.

Today let’s talk about “Don’t judge me,” or any similar plea to stop one’s judgment. I’ve gotta say, this demand annoys the piss out of me.

I hate to break it to you folks, but there’s no way to hide from judgment. Judgment is a necessary and hugely beneficial aspect of consciousness. It’s how we navigate the world. Is that food healthy or poisonous? Judgment. Is that job satisfying or degrading? Judgment. Is that knife-wielding dude a cook or a murderer? Judgment.

You make judgments every minute of your waking life, and so do I. That’s what it is to be human. Granted, we’re not perfect. We all make judgments from a limited, incomplete perspective. So our judgments might be wrong, and we’ll usually reap the consequences of​ the error.

And therein lies my irritation. A person doing good - or at least not doing bad - should welcome judgment. Judge away, bitches! I’ve got my shit together.

But there’s a certain kind of person who wears the “Don’t judge me” attitude like a moral badge of righteousness. As if judgment itself were a sin. And if that were literally true, it would be an unhealthy and confused way to approach the world.

Of course, it’s not literally true. Because those same people hope and pray to be judged in plenty of circumstances. You do well at your job? Boss better judge you worthy of a raise. Cook dinner for your spouse? He or she better judge you a good cook, or at least worthy of a thank you. Got your finances in order? That banker better judge you worthy of a loan.

It’s not that we don’t want to be judged. We just want to be judged fairly and honestly and without unnecessary bias. But if a judgment is biased or dishonest, that’s not good judgment. That’s shitty judgment. And I don’t think anyone wants a shitty version of anything.

So next time when someone makes a false judgment about you, don’t say, “Don’t you judge me!” Better to say, “Before you evaluate my situation, I want you to take a moment to consider all of the relevant details and context that led me to make a particular choice. I want you to check any unfair biases at the door. And I want you to deliver your judgment with as much respect and kindness as you can muster. Do that, and I think we can have a fruitful and meaningful exchange, and one or both of us may actually learn something.”

Sure, it’s clunky. But isn’t it a little more accurate?

Of course, if you’re an asshole you probably don’t want honest judgments either…

Anyway, that’s my thought for the night. Judge away below!