RE: Dancing With the Devil: How I Came to Be in My Current State of Existence pt 4
Wow, you really have a way with words. And quite the perspective on life. That's a compliment and a friendly consolation, for all you've clearly been through.
You've put into words something that's happened to me as well. And I remember it the same way, the time, the day, when it happened. It's like you suddenly see the whole picture, with the empathy you never were aware enough to have before. And it's wonderful. Because just the same, after years of silence, we started to say "I love you" again, without any of the usual passive aggression, sulking, awkwardness. It was genuine. And we've never spoken about it directly. It just happened one day and with some time we both knew it. And I think we've both been thankful for it too.
Life is so incredibly short, but all the same - it takes time. To work itself out and for you to grow through all the things that happen. I can only imagine all the elderly people alive who would give anything to go back in time with the perspective they've gained from age. The sad thing is, that's never an option.
I guess that's a part of growing up. You really might think you know so much. Then one day it all comes clear how little you ever did understand about anything. It's humbling, but it's such a good point to cross, too. I'm glad to hear you made it there too and were able to mend those important relationships, at least in some way. When your perspective shift's from outward to inward, it really is a life changing thing.
Just don't let guilt eat you alive. Let it be a teacher. You can make anything bad into a positive. I know that maybe sounds trite, but even if you can't make the thing itself be anything but bad you can make the lesson learned something valuable. You can make sure it teaches you something good. I learned a long time ago that some things in life you can't will them to be good, no matter how hard you try. Some things just suck. Some things just hurt. Some things will work every way they can to eat you alive. Even destroy you. And some things never go away. Some things there is no fix for. The point to learn is to stop asking everything to be good. Stop waiting for everything to be good, and change your perspective. Do everything you can to change your perspective till it feels better somehow, or at least like you can accept it in a way that brings you some peace inside. With some of the most difficult things in life, that seems to be the only healthy option there is.
This was a great story of personal growth and a very sweet tribute to your dad. There's beauty in the ugliest of fucked up things if you just know how to look so you can see it. Perception is everything. One of life's most valuable skills, an art, and the reason why some of the most beautiful souls alive are those who've honed it well. It seems like you're on the right path, and that's wonderful to see someone accomplish. It's such a hard path that by necessity you have to walk alone, an entirely personal one that only you will ever truly understand. I know how much it helps to try and express what parts you can find words for.
"Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." - Stephen King
I'm sorry for the late reply, I wanted to be able to sit down and think about it, to be able to give your beautiful comment justice. My father and I have never really spoken about our relationship either, except when I very occasionally scold him and he apologizes because he didn't realize he was being distant. We just go with it.
I am a firm believer that everything that happens is a blessing... something to learn and grow from, even some of the worst things I've been though that I haven't gotten to on this series yet I try to hold in my heart as things that helped to shape the me that I am today.
And I love the me that I am today no matter what.
Thank you for the song too, its perfect. <3
You're welcome. And that's fine, I'm always late on my replies too. Yeah, I just had to comment because a lot of your thoughts and experiences seem parallel to my own in ways. The experiences, and the realizations later on. The lessons.
You write beautifully, though. I think someone else could have the same story to tell, but they wouldn't necessarily write it like you have. You really do have a talent for it. My suggestion is don't stop, especially if it helps you process things. I do that too, I write all the time even if nobody sees it. It helps you sort your brain out. And emotions. I'm certain you know that.
And yeah, what you said, it took me time to realize it, but everything that happens does benefit you somehow. Even the terrible stuff. Maybe that says more about the human spirit than the nature of events being truly good or bad for us. We find some way to survive always. Adapt and learn. Idk why life happens the way it does. I guess it's hard for everyone, maybe easier for some, but definitely harder, too, for others. You get what you get, I guess.
The takeaway from it all is a lesson in love. Acceptance. I feel like I repeat that so much. Love is acceptance. Maybe there's a reason I need to hear it lol. I'm glad you liked the song. It's just the first one that came to mind after reading. I've always loved that band. They have great lyrics.
Anyway, don't stop writing from your heart like that. It's really beautiful. You are. And it's all you've been through that's made you that way. I think about that sometimes...you could've had an easier life, but who would you be if you had? Who would you have become? I think I'd rather take the me I know now than someone without the experiences. It just makes a person in a different way. If you've been there then you understand, and you can recognize it in others too. It's a beautiful thing of substance, perspective. Can see that in you. It is, it's a good thing. Definitely a hard earned thing too.