Critique-Writing Contest

(Edited)

This is my entry for the Critique-writing contest organised by @anjkara The contest is fairly simple. It's about doing a constructive criticism of a short story. You can read more about the contest and the short story here

The piece I'm going to be doing a criticism on is an excerpt from Kill the Cow by Anj Kara. You can access it through the link provided above. For this critisim, I'm going to be addressing the author directly, as if we were having a conversation.

The opening quote, to a degree, gives the story away.

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire

Perhaps, this is because I'm familiar with self mortification in religious circles and Voltaire's perceptive on religious matters. However, what interests me more is the level of vividness you attempt to attain in order to drive home your (implied) message and the twist at the end of the story.

Your words are so designed to impress on our minds, the kind of man Maddock is. (Are you trying to tell us something through the name or am I wrong to think an alternative spelling is Mad-dock?). The congregation too isn't left out.

Maddock is presented as a religious fanatic who deserves to be in a sanatorium rather than the clergy. His members... Well, birds of a feather flock together, right?

Unfortunately, Boyo commits the sin of thinking for himself and is saved from hell by the mercies of Maddock's pummeling. Maddock, of course, isn't sorry for serving out God's judgement, he just isn't pleased with the pain from hitting his knuckles against someone's teeth.

If you notice my tone in the preceding paragraphs, I've taken on a sarcastic tone. That is based on what I think is your underlying tone too. From the story, it's not unreasonable to assume Christianity is just a lump of fanatics who listen to garbage and hate speech every time they meet. This is where I have a bit of an issue.

Your story paints a somewhat unfair representation of what Christianity really is. Granted, some in the name of Christianity actually worship the God of Maddock, some being the operational word. From reading the story, I was ready for another self mortification story, so the end was kind of unexpected for me. Not because I'm unfamiliar with it - there are instances where 'Christian parents' abused their children physically thereby mentally scarring them for life in the name of discipline - I just didn't see it coming. However, your opening quote gives the impression that you either think that's how religion is, or that's what you just want to emphasize as a product of religion or both. In spite of all of my rants, I'm not bothered.

I believe in and enjoy posts that shock sensibilities. It kinda jolts us from the reality we crave for into the reality that really is. I think your story serves that purpose. I know about the abuses in Christianity because I was privileged to have read texts that addressed them. In fact, some of the things that seem normal to many people are actually constitute abuse and have long lasting negative implications.

What can you improve on? Well, apart from the usual 'you can do better in description, vividness, blag blah blah', I would have said you should try to reduce the insertion of your personal thoughts into the text, especially on controversial issues like this. I mean, you should try to express yourself from a distant objective perspective. But I don't even take that advice. I once wrote an atheist poem that directly attacked belief in God. So, I think you're good. Just keep getting better.

So, for me, it's a good story that serves its purpose. Plus, I like the twist at the end. Hope to read more of your stories (and get paid expessing what I feel about them)
Lol

That's all

Picture is from pixabay