Dear me

Dear me,

I sincerely apologize for my sudden absence. I’ve been rather clouded... Today, I had a Eureka moment. I suddenly understood that all actions would lead to reactions. The only question is whether they’d be positive or negative.

As I lounged about on my bed earlier this evening, watching the sun slowly disappearing into the sweet spring air, I thought of him. I thought of his lips – how they seem to curve upwards at all times, even in his sleep, as if he is smiling constantly. Then, I thought of his smell - this impeccably sweet yet natural scent that I love, as if he had just tumbled out of the dryer seconds ago.

I adore the smell of laundry. Its freshness consumes me whole-heartedly. Its softness comforts me. There’s a cold tingling on my feet now. I had left the window open for way too long. I am however, glad that spring has arrived and very soon, I shall welcome summer into my arms. Across the Atlantic Ocean, I will venture into the uncharted territories just like the Pilgrims did. Opening my mind, heart and soul for myself and everyone else.

I feel light. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Once, someone told me everybody needs a little weight. Maybe that’s exactly what I need. But I abhor responsibility. I wish to be a free bird, flying in pursuit of my desires of the moment. I treasure freedom and spontaneity. I’ve given some thoughts about all my past behaviours – it is precisely the consequences of the things that I treasure so much that will limit the values that I believe in. How contradicting. So maybe my reckless impulsiveness and lack of consideration have led me to quite a few road bumps in life but at the end of the day, I just want to find happiness. But perhaps that’s a bit selfish of me.

Nostalgia overcomes me as I sway back and forth to the soothing, melancholic melody. I think of all the people that matter to me. I think of humanity. I think of the fragility of the threads of our lives, weaving in and out of each other. A single accidental snipping could cause a sequence of catastrophic events. I can almost see them play out in my mind.

I know what you’re thinking. You think that I’m a self-absorbed snob. Does my haughty disposition annoy you? Does my irrelevant speech irritate you? I’m sorry but you’re the only one I can turn to without having to put on a mask.

I imagined I was wandering the streets of Paris the other night. The twinkling lights blinked compulsively at me, luring me to go back for more. Perhaps I could spend the day philosophizing in the lofty cafes in St. Germain des Pres. Perhaps I could take the bus to Montmatre and ride the Funicular until midnight. Perhaps I could visit Louvre and gaze at famous paintings until they are permanently imprinted on my retinas. Perhaps I could hop on a cruise in the afternoon with my fellow buddies - Baguette and Vin and watch lovers share loving moments. Or perhaps I could just lie on the grass and savour the joy of being alive.

I can only see a faint tint of orange in the sky now. Darkness takes over. Or maybe light is just taking a break. Anyway, I have to bid you good night now. Leave me alone with my fantasy of Vie en Paris.

P.S. Please remind me to possess a tad of self-control whenever you can.