I don't know a way to relieve grief. I don't know a way to make the pain stop. All I know is how writing is like collecting all of the shattered dust from the explosion of my heart, balling it up into a pile of all that remains and blowing it into the wind, to be released from my soul into the universe for processing.

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Source:

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If you've been following me (and I am not shallow enough to think that many of you have been stalking my every word or anything) but if you have seen some of my posts, you might have noticed a very small white and black puppy whom I adopted about a month ago.

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When I got her (and her sister- the teeny white puppy from my photos) they had been dumped at the front of Barc (the rescue animal shelter here in Bali) and were in desperate need of a new home. Barc was full and I was visiting to drop Nala off to join Bear with their new adopted family! It was a happy day because the two babies I had taken in and cared for were now going to a safe and loving home.

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Seeing these miniature bundles of adorable in need, I decided I needed to take them home with me.

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Holy sh*t. I did not know what I had signed up for.

When I got Bear, she was about a month old already, she had a certain amount of independence to her, could eat (powered milk), drink water, pee on her own etc. At the time, she seemed like a baby but that is just perspective after the twins.

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Then I got Nala to keep Bear company and she was even further past that stage as she had been at the shelter for two weeks before I got her, preparing her for life's challenges. So, while I thought I had experience with puppies from those two very different upbringings, it was nothing compared to newborns without a mother.

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I spent the majority of my days (and nights) trying to detach one from the other as they continually tried to suck on each other's genitals, looking for momma's nipples, producing the much needed milk they craved.

Obviously this became problematic as the intense sucking (with nothing coming out) was causing irritation and so I had to begin separating them.

The white one, Luna was doing well from get go, eating without any problems, active, lively but Oreo was always much more tiny, apprehensive, lethargic, "needy." That's probably why we bonded so much, because she constantly needed me.

However, try as I might, I could not produce for her what she needed and trust me, I tried.

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My Steemit activity has severely decreased as I devoted my time and energy to these little creatures, trying to fill them with enough love and comfort that they would grow to be healthy and live a life they would have never got, being left on the streets in the trash bin where they were found.

I am going to be honest (because that's what I do here) there were nights where I was so exhausted that I became frustrated that I had to wake up every other hour to deal with crying pups, missing their mom, sucking on each other (I would put them together for warmth, then they would hurt each other so I would have to break them a part and it was so hard to keep trying to make that decision), needing my attention when I wanted to sleep.

It wasn't my favourite thing to learn how to help them pee and poo (I had to physically touch them to help them and imitate the mother dog because they were that young! Yes, it's a thing. I am not a perve but couldn't help feeling like one.)

It also wasn't my favourite thing to have to get out of bed, make them warm milk, wait for it, feed it to them and then hope that's what they wanted (because sometimes that wasn't even why they were crying so I would end up making the milk for nothing!)

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It may be blurry but I am trying to sleep and instead getting attacked by the rascals!

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Selfish me wanted to write, to create, to connect on here like I had been before they came along and I started to feel obligation and resentment (especially when I ended up with Bear and Nala back as their adoption fell through for the time and that left me with 4 puppies in the house!)

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I tell you this because it's true. I was really morally uncomfortable because I wanted to want to help but it was proving a bigger undertaking than I felt like I was prepared for.

Those were just thoughts of the mind.

My heart is in control of my life (you already know this!) so the puppies stayed around and I went from a babysitter, caregiver to their mom in as much of a way possible. Sure, I wasn't feeding them milk from my bosoms (though I would have if I could have) but I attached myself to them as though I was their only hope in the world, their savior, their defender, their source of undying, committed, loyal love.

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So my time on Steemit decreased and so did my time in every other aspect of my life. Where the hell were the days going? Where was time flying to?

I am not a mother yet, (as in I do not have any human children of my own) but I have a huge heart with a lot of love to give and these babies took it all. I think having to bottle feed them and help them eject their fluids was a key contributor in this. So, I started to accept my new role and wasn't even minding anymore. I tried my best to keep up but everything else started to fade into the background.

During this transition Bear got adopted and Nala went to the same home about two weeks later which was a dream and everything I could have hoped for, for them to be together (since sadly, as I have mentioned before, I can't keep them forever and am fostering for the shelter to help as much as I can!)

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With just two babies left, things were much more manageable. A couple of days ago, I got home from a healing workshop in town (I am working on healing myself with many natural and spiritual modalities which I have and will be sharing) and my munchkins were excited as usual waiting for my arrival.

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As always, I went straight for their attention, soaking it up, rolling around in puddles of love, then went to get them some food.

Here's what happened...

Luna went straight for the bowl without hesitation and started scarfing her food down (she's seriously a pig though so not surprising as it doesn't matter how much I feed her, she will always eat more) but Oreo, pulled away kind of shying away from her bowl and trying to get to Luna's instead.

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At first I didn't really find it weird since they never starve and I make sure they are well fed, healthy food to keep them growing strong but I noticed her acting a little bit strange. Luna kind of pushed her away and so I observed them for a minute.

I picked up Oreo and brought her back to her bowl while Luna continued on eating out of hers but Oreo went straight back to Luna's and wouldn't eat her own.

After Luna had finished, there was still food left in her bowl so I offered it to Oreo who refused to eat that now as well.

The whole night went on and Oreo wouldn't eat or drink. In fact, she started acting kind of drunk and went into a corner and passed out.

She sleeps a lot so still, not super alarming as there were no other symptoms plus her adorable sister joined her, so nothing to worry about paranoid mother alert!.

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The next day I was watching her like a hawk. She still wouldn't eat and seemed especially lethargic so I went to get her some special food to try to entice her appetite.

That worked and the little princess ate some extra fancy 5 star food and seemed to be feeling better!

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However, that night was one of the worst nights of my life!

The most ear piercing, shrilling, finger nails on the chalk-board, deafening sound was coming from Oreo non-stop! I mean not a breath in between. It was like fire in my ears, breaking my brain cells with the loudness clearly injected with excruciating pain.

I stayed up with her, kept her on my heart and tried everything I could think of. Bear and Nala both got sick while they were puppies so I had experience with a sick baby but it was never anything like this. Oreo was shrieking bloody murder and nothing I could do helped her or toned it down.

I was an exhausted and stressed out mess.

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I put her on my chest and held her against me and we waited until morning. It was then that I brought her to the vet and was told the bad news.

Oreo had intense symptoms of the very wide spread viruses here and they catch on fast, strong and take over in the blink of an eye. The vet told me she would do everything in their power to save her but that she was suffering beyond what they are normally able to reverse.

I signed off on everything. I surrendered my baby to them and hoped and prayed they would be able to stop the virus and let me take my baby home again in the morning.

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Around 4pm that day, I got overwhelmed with an intense energy that knocked me out. I passed out right out of the shower, wet in the bed completely out cold. When I woke up I felt like I was dying!

I was so worried about my symptoms that (if I were back home despite my views of hospitals) would have called an ambulance. My vision was blurred, I was dizzy and everything felt like it was spinning circles around me. Nausea over took me and I could not keep myself standing straight so I lied down and let my head swirl with pain and sickness.

After about an hour and a half some of the symptoms started to release their hold on me as I came back to consciousness, unfortunately.

When I came to I was out of my mind, beyond control, filled to the brim with anger and sadness at the same time. We are talking Hulk status.

For no apparent reason with no particular trigger, I lost my sht* and started having a full fledged breakdown.

After uncharacteristically throwing a chair across the room, breaking the contents that were at one point on top of it, I started screaming at the top of my lungs before I ended up in a puddle of cold water in the corner of the shower dry heaving while waves of tears plummeted from my eyes.

I felt in my soul that something was wrong. I knew these emotions, these feelings, this hurt and pain was coming from my puppy.

I am incredibly energetically connected to those I love and care about. Believe in that kind of thing or not, see me and you will never question it again. I am not saying I am psychic because I have never tried to learn how to harness any type of power that may be, but I am a very connected empath and I feel things on a deeper level than most.

My outburst knocked me out for the night. No replies to comments, no post last night, no upvoting, no reading, no nothing but out.

I had nightmares last night that could be a post on their own but when I woke up I had the worst email a mother could ever receive.

Get this.

At the time I was having my breakdown, the clinic was trying to reach me to tell me Oreo's condition had worsened and she was shaking (like I was) and shouting this loud, crazy, growling (almost angry noise) hmmm... coincidence? However they didn't have my number correct and so couldn't get through to me.

By morning, munchkin was paralyzed with pain despite the pain killers and all medical help possible, she was not going to be able to be saved.

That left me in a position I hope to never repeat.

Do I authorize the euthanization of my baby?

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Are you fu**ing kidding me?

On one hand, (the selfish one) of COURSE NOT! I don't agree to let you send fluid into my dog that's going to end her life!

But on the other hand (the reasonable and loving one) I have to say yes. I would never want her to suffer and if there is nothing we can do to save her, why would I ever responsibly let her continue her life in the excruciating pain overwhelming her?

Broken hearted, seriously feeling like someone reached into my chest and ripped the damn life-maker out of my body, I rushed as fast as I could to get to her side.

When I saw her my whole body tensed up and filled with anger, fear, pain, sadness, regret, resentment, ... negativity, you name it.

Why is this happening to her? Why is this happening to me? WTF? Maybe this is a dream? Someone fcking help me!

There are going to be people who read this that think "it's just a dog... it's not a real child" or whatever, I know my mother is going to be one of them but that is perspective. I chose to believe and treat this animal the same way I would a baby and her suffering like that, dying made me feel like a failure.

When I picked up the tiny angel in my arms, wrapped in the blanket, I whispered in her tiny ears and kissed her snotty, vomit crusted nose (that's love) I released her from the pain this world so cruelly dealt her as I held her into my heart while she took her final breaths, hearing my soothing song gently dance along her path to the next life.

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(This was taken the night before I brought her to the vet, one of the last times she was able to respond to my love!)

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I don't know how to handle grief. I don't know how to ease the anger, the fear, the pain, the unknown, the doubt, the frustration but I know that love conquers all.

A couple of days ago, I was in the middle of a healing session where I was reminded of my inner magic and the power specifically of my words.

My words can heal, my words can wound. My words can influence, they can discourage. They can inspire, they can dishearten. They can be loving or they can be hateful.

My words are my weapon and my medicine.

I choose to let them be my medicine.

Oreo is no longer here with me in present reality but she exists somewhere else, free of pain and suffering.

She taught me about loss and grief and although I am no expert, I will try to use her passing to propel my passions instead of stalling my dreams in a whirlwind of pain and depression (as I have fallen into in the past.)

In the past, pain has been a fuel for my creativity, I have no doubt it should be the same now so if my account explodes with passion and experimentation, Oreo is my fire, propelling my inner spirit to come alive through my keyboard.

However, I believe I will be taking some time from my beloved community while I reconcile so if I pull back a little bit and post without a word, know my reasoning and know that I will absolutely get back to every message I receive (as always) as soon as I am feeling able to take on interactions again. Although I am sure I will dabble in and out during this confusion and energetic newness, but if I am M.I.A., I am processing the grief in my own way.

Sending you love, as always. This post will be in memory of my darling, sweet angel. Always a monument for Vegan Wednesday, our poster child of how important the animals are around us. They are conscious, emotion-filled beings just like us. It's not a coincidence that my sweet baby left us on the day I chose to promote something so dear to me.

Speaking of Vegan Wednesday, I will be announcing the winners tomorrow as I spent my energy on this very emotional post and want to give the entries a proper shout out.

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In my life as far as I am concerned, animals are people too and since they can't talk (to us) I believe it's our responsibility to love and help them.

Oreo was my little angel and I am deeply devastated that she is no longer here but will continue this mission in her memory.

PS: Thank you to the sweet and loving @marillaanne for the gentle reminder and push to let my feelings be released here. I almost got myself trapped in the very stagnation of emotions I myself advocate against. <3

Thank you for reading this.

Yours,