[The Aftermath] : The Tomes of the woes a fertile Chick

gutzygwin (62)in #writing • 6 years ago

The blood test in the hospital pretty much confirmed what the home test told me yesterday.

I'm not pregnant. Our cycle has failed.
My period showed up the day after my hospital test...
So it's definitely over

I've had a very, very, very rough couple of days... very very rough. I'm just so grateful for a wonderful husband. I don't know what I would have done without him. The pain has been unlike anything I've ever experienced, far worse than any of the previous *BFNs.
My heart absolutely broke into million pieces. After crying non-stop for the first few days, my husband kept me active over the weekend, so I'm in better spirits today. It's our wedding anniversary, and he's taking me out later. It's also my first day back at work, after taking twoo weeks off, so I really have had to pull myself together.

My husband wants us to take a break, for a month or two. His idea is for us to try naturally, but I'm just looking forward to getting my mind off *TTC for a little while. As far as next steps go... I'm not too sure really.
I have a follow up consultation with the hospital. It's suppose to be this week, but I'm not sure how up to that I am. To be honest, I'm thinking of changing hospitals as well...but I'm also not to sure about that either. I'm not sure if we should go for a fresh circle, or a transfer of our less than perfect frozen embryos. We really don't know... Hopefully, we'll have more clarity with time.

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But I do know one thing...I will not commit emotionally to this process again. I will repeat it, but I am definitely not going to invest emotionally, only to get my heart broken. Right now, I am really struggling to believe it will happen for us. We transferred THREE for goodness sake.

Ah well, I'll keep trying for as long as our finances can allow. That's another thing. Having to put money together to futher tries. Ah well...

Another thing I will not repeat is to tell my mom and close friends about it. My mom took it so much harder than I did. She was, and is, really heart broken. So are my friends. Next time, the only person who'll know will be my hubby. I'm also NOT going to be take any special time of work. Those two weeks I took off, I feel were just a waste. Two or three days home after embryo transfer and that's it. Oh! and I will start testing as soon as its logical to. If I had tested earlier, I would have saved myself about a week of wishful thinking.

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I'm really struggling with my prayers as well. I just feel I prayed so hard...everyone prayed ao hard for us... I know God is really all I have...but right now, I'm struggling.

Well... that's my update. I'm counting the hours till my husband and I go for dinner...or whatever. That should at least put a smile on my face today.