For All You Television Scriptwriters Script Reports Are Vital

As many of us aspiring television and film scriptwriters know this industry is unbelievably difficult to enter, that's if you have the skill to be a decent scriptwriter. However, as I always say it is very important that you get feedback from industry professionals to provide you with more objective perspectives on your work.

A few years back I wrote an unconventional courtroom drama entitled 'Untold' that I am still hoping to get adapted for television or theatre. I submitted the 90 minute script to Creative England - a very respected organisation in Britain dedicated to supporting unfounded creative people who want to work in television and film. They critiqued my script very positively and it's this sort of feedback from industry professionals that makes me determined to keep going.

If you truly believe you have the skill to be a good scriptwriter I can't stress enough the importance of proffesional feedback. Many scriptwriters I know who claim to be scriptwriters will finish their script and are too scared to guage what others think. So they leave it tucked away in a drawer and tell themselves they'll come back to it later, with many never doing so. Don't be firghtened to get others to read your work. And most importantly get professionals to critique your work. It may cost you a little bit or you can find schemes that do this for free if your lucky. But either way make sure you do it.

Below is the script report I received from Creative England for my television screenplay 'Untold'.

SCRIPT REPORT FOR CREATIVE ENGLAND

TITLE: UNTOLD

WRITER: JAMIE FULFORD

GENRE: COURTROOM DRAMA

LENGTH: 90 mins (103 pp)

LOGLINE: A man accused of murdering his ex-wife is unconventionally brought to justice in a courtroom held at gunpoint by the dead woman’s fiancé.

SYNOPSIS: Graham Watts, a solicitor in his 50’s, attends court for the verdict in the murder trial of his fiancée, Laura. The man accused is John Flint, who has a history of violent behaviour towards his wife. When the jury return the verdict of “not guilty”, Graham calmly walks up to the judge’s bench, pulls a gun and dismisses everybody in the courtroom except the judge, legal teams, jury and defendant. Graham proceeds to recount the preceding events, accusing the judge of giving a partial summing up, and criticising both the prosecuting and defence barristers of incompetence, poor judgement and intimidating the witnesses. In the process, the entire legal system is called into question.

Meanwhile, an incident room is established in a different part of the courtroom, with Superintendent Redman in charge. An Armed Response Unit is at the ready, lead by a young woman, Sergeant Banks. They establish contact with Graham via the mobile phone of one of the jurors, and audio and visual surveillance of the courtroom is set up. It becomes clear that Graham has only one bullet in his gun, but the Superintendent isn’t sure if it’s intended for Flint or for Graham himself. The Super believes Flint to be guilty and Graham to be a decent mad under duress, and he implies to Sgt Banks that if he were to give orders to shoot, then Flint might be a more suitable target rather than Graham. Banks is an ambitious career policewoman, keen to play it by the book. It turns out that she is also the Superintendent’s daughter.

When Graham finally turns to Flint, he gives an account of the murder, believing he cannot be tried again for the same crime under the Double Jeopardy clause. No murder weapon was ever discovered at the scene of the crime, but in Flint’s account he mentions using a calor gas bottle. Tension builds in the courtroom as Graham trains his gun on Flint. The Superintendent finally gives orders for the Armed Response Unit to act. Sgt Banks aims at Graham but misses, but Graham is found dead, his smoking gun in his hand. Flint is arrested for Laura’s murder on the basis of fresh evidence.

COMMENT: Being set more or less in a single location, and being entirely dialogue driven, this is a surprisingly compelling and absorbing piece. The opening grabs your attention as Graham’s purpose unfolds. Although his hostage taking of the courtroom seems somewhat implausible, I’ve no doubt that an audience’s empathy for one man against the monolithic legal system will allow them to turn a blind eye and applaud Graham’s actions. Although the pace is slow, the information contained in the dialogue is thought-provoking and considered.

The scenes with the police come as a welcome relief from the claustrophobia of the courtroom, and the revelation that Banks is the Superintendent’s daughter comes just as the courtroom narrative is flagging. Similarly, Flint’s confession raises the stakes with the possibility of a re-trial. Some of the characters do have psychological/moral dilemmas, but it’s only Banks, and to a small degree the defence lawyer, who have the ability to transform this into action. You manage to build suspense and tension into the climax. The father/daughter denouement between Banks and the Superintendent has resonance, and although Graham’s death is anticipated, it has pathos.

All of this is an achievement in a very static, slow-paced script, but in spite of its virtues, I’m not convinced that it’s cinematic enough to transfer to the big screen. There are only 45 scenes in 90 minutes of screen time; it would be a director’s nightmare finding visual interest in the lengthy, dialogue-heavy courtroom scenes. Casting and performance would be key, but I’m still not sure that there’s enough here to sustain an audience’s attention.

You could use flashbacks to tell the courtroom narrative: for example, seeing the previously called witnesses rather than just hearing about them. But, this isn’t really going to add much visually, nor would it give you an opportunity to reveal character through action. You have included some brief flashbacks of encounters between George and Laura, although these aren’t properly scripted (i.e. with scene headings, locations, stage directions etc) and are visually rather repetitive (showing various damaged parts of Laura’s anatomy). You could develop more of a narrative tracing the development of the relationship between George and Laura, which would enhance our insight into his grief and sense of loss and his desire for justice to be done. But, this could also distract from the nature of the beast, which to me seems to be a polemical discourse on the nature of the judicial system told from a human perspective.

The strength of your script for me lies in the intelligent, thought-provoking dissection of one aspect of the legal system. You have used quite lengthy soliloquies in part to achieve this. One in particular, that of the seventy year old judge about to step into retirement having lost his wife eighteen months ago through a mindless hit-and-run accident, is most affecting, giving an emotional insight into the man behind the wig, and upturning our, and Graham’s, preconceptions. You could tell this through flashbacks, but that would interfere with the psychological intensity between the Judge and Graham. Lengthy speeches (to camera), especially several of them quite close together, don’t tend to work on the screen. But they do work well in the theatre.

You might consider a TV play, although I think you might still have the same problem of an audience’s visual expectations. I know there have been some successful courtroom drama films, probably the most comparable being Twelve Angry Men, which is staged largely in the jury room. (Interestingly, I’ve just discovered that it was adapted from a teleplay.) But, this has the extra dimension of examining the prejudices of the jury members, and has a political and social context as well as examining the judicial process. Other examples tend to have characters undergoing personal crises outside the courtroom.

Have you considered writing this for the theatre, which I think would be its ideal home? It could be staged quite simply, without an intermission, giving the audience an opportunity to digest your words. And it’s your clever use of words to reveal the flaws in the judicial system that make this script stand out. Be a shame to miss them.