Dark Dark Thoughts

in writing •  6 months ago

I’m gonna go pretty deep with this post, so if you follow me for fun stuff and pretty pictures, I advice you to click away now.

I think the universe can sense when I have bad thoughts, and instead of helping a girl out, it drags you down to an even deeper and darker hole, making it even harder to come out of it.


Some days I feel like shit, I look like shit, I think I’m worthless, I have no friend, no one gives a shit and I have no purpose in life. You know, the whole nine yards of self pity, doubts and uncontrollable sadness. On a realistic level, I know none of this is true, not to the extend that I should just off myself, but it’s something I find really hard to escape. I feel paralysed by the sadness. I can’t move, I just stare at something on the internet or tv, not really paying attention to anything other than my bad feelings. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't hold a conversation.

I have these days, and I’m lucky it’s usually just days, and not weeks. I would probably kill myself if it went on for more than a few days at a time. And no, don’t worry, I really am not suicidal, I’m deadly afraid of dying, I would never do that to myself. So if you ever find out I’ve offed myself, and left a goodbye note, don’t believe it, someone killed me and made it look like a suicide.

When I feel, what ever it is; sad, happy, anxious, excited, it’s always very powerful and physical. Everything to the extreme. I don’t know if other people feel it like this, but I think most don't, not this severely. I have self diagnosed myself as bipolar.

Of course, when it’s the good feelings, it’s amazing, but at the other end of the spectrum is the bad feelings, and let me tell ya, it ain’t pretty inside my head when I get those. It’s a horror film like no other, and the scariest ones are always those that could really happen, not some ghosts and fantasy monsters.

I think it’s ridiculous that I know in a realistic level that the bad feelings will pass and I will be fine, but when the sadness is on top of me like a dark cloud, there is little to none that I can do to get out of the feeling. I just need to wait it out. Then the next day, after a proper sleep (once I finally fall asleep with that messy head of mine), I’m all fine again and think to myself “wtf, why the hell were you so depressed yesterday!? Nothing tangible has changed in a course of 24 hours, yet now you are all fine and dandy, you mental bitch!” Yes, I have these heart-to-heart conversation and tough love with myself quite often, don’t you?

One of the main reasons why I am trying to live a more regular and healthy life is to even myself out. I don’t want to be a rollercoaster, at least not one of those big ones, maybe just one of those that are made for kids under 10 years old, I’d be fine with that.

I know when I write something related to health problems, whether mental or physical, people always want to give advice, but I don’t need it. This is more me talking to myself, unraveling my thought on paper, and maybe to show that if someone else feels the same, they are not alone in this. Dear lord, this is the one thing where I don’t want to be special and the only one this messed up.

There are things that I know help me, some of which are ones that I can not buy or provide for myself, which just makes matters worse. And for heavens sake, don’t tell me to meditate, that just makes my blood boil, which is the opposite I need. And those who want to say that I need to smoke weed, yeah, maybe, but I’m still a little undecided on the matter.

Have a bright and sunny day, both inside and out, like I am having today, which is the polar opposite of yesterday!

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This can be bypassed.
Try Mental Transmutation: has worked for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Hermetics/comments/24jsz7/practical_mental_transmutation/

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Never heard of that, I will read up later :) Mutation sounds exciting, can I mutate myself into a world dominating, extremely smart super model?

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Why not try and find out for yourself? ;)

I had a conversation with my wife yesterday and she pointed out a big difference between men and Woman. Women want to talk about things and men when to try and fix it. I was put back in my box and just had to sit there and listen.
For you I listen also.

As a side note, I do love the image in this post and wouldn't want to try and fix it either.

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That is good advice and a really good point that we are different and don't necessarily need a fix, but just for someone to listen. Say hi to your wifey!

Thank you! It's an old image I dug out and thought it gave out the vibe suited for this piece.

i'm having one of those days, too. I thought today: how many more days will i feel like this before I do something about it. and its definitely not a lack of rest! I get ready to go out and do something just to turn around and go back to bed.. i think both of us can level out with enough willpower (extremely hard to come by on down days) and maybe some CBD

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We are so much on the same page, enough with the damn rest, it's not helping! It's the worst when you are ready to go but can't get yourself out the door, it's very frustrating. I have been reading up on CBD lately, even bought some on my recent trip to UK (it's illegal here in Finland), but it didn't do anything to me, though I think the dosage was pretty low on it.

Thank you for commenting, it feels really nice to hear someone else having the same kind of thoughts, all the best to you.

Some days I feel like shit, I look like shit, I think I’m worthless, I have no friend, no one gives a shit and I have no purpose in life. You know, the whole nine yards of self pity, doubts and uncontrollable sadness. I understand your feelings very well it happens to me quite often unfortunately especially in moment like now that i do not have a job ( i have steemit but i still do not earn that much XD ) i feel ugly, stupid, not enough, good for nothing, useless etc..a failure, a looser and i know that i must think positive etc..but in these days i feel like i have only a dark storm in my mind and my body feel sick, sometimes i think this is the result of nowadays societ i bet our grandparent did not suffer from this kind of mental torture..

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This is definitely a first world problem, I am sure of it. People used to have a purpose in life, a ready path to follow, get a job, get a partner, make a family, take care of the family. In a way, it was easier that way, but of course they had different struggles. We are more free to find our own path, and in turn, more free to be fucking lost. 😅 I hope you get out of the bad times soon and figure out something positive to do with your time.

Hi Eve, I rarely post + occasionally write a comment....

I recommend You begin knitting again on a more regular basis... also suggest You go back to the comment I wrote about 6 months ago when You wrote your knitting post and "perhaps" You may understand better the calming effects of knitting or maybe not. There is MUCH more to knitting which I attempted to explain in the comment I left for You...

We're living in a challenging period of history... most people are experiencing these very DARK feelings You wrote about in this post and some actually commit suicide... Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade to name a few.

Sunlight can also be very helpful... consider trying "Sun-Gazing"... have been doing this for over 25 years.

Hope this is helpful...

Cheers !!

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Knitting is definite one thing that calms me, and I have been doing it a lot lately, but when it's a dark day, a really really dark day, it's not enough for me to get out of my head. Sun does cheer me up a lot, the past summer was amazing and I felt pretty good on a general basis. But as we are approaching winter, it's going to get tough because we really don't get much light in here. It's something the people in the north, all of us, struggle with, because it effects the mind and energy levels, a lot.

You can't really enjoy those highs without the lows, and really who wants to have everything be average then you might as well feel nothing. Last week I was feeling pretty shit about myself and I was acting like a miserable arsehole and being mean, angry and sarcastic all the time and felt i looked terrible.

Then I got a haircut and went to play soccer and after that game all was right with the world. Just gotta get those feel good juices pumping sometimes!

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Definitely, I don't want just dull even life, but do the highs and lows have to be so damn drastic all the time!?

I think you did exactly what I did yesterday, made myself look a little better and went out to be with people and be active. I know it usually helps but it's not always easy to get it started when you feel like shit.

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Maybe you need to dance daily for your happy juice exercise. If I don’t get some form of daily exercise I am an angry human

I believe our thoughts are an echo chamber of sorts. The more you have certain thoughts the more they pop into your head, especially over long periods of time. The best medicine I’ve found to control thoughts is by staying very active & mindful. Good thoughts echo as well, it is a self programming math problem to me

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Both positive and negative thought have a tendency to pull more of the same towards each other, I know that. It's good when you are on a positive mood, but when it's bad thoughts, you easily go deeper and darker as the hours go by.

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& if I repeatedly tell myself that’s what easily happens, the more easily that thing I told myself will happen, happens.

I have dark days sometimes too. I really think mine are hormonally related. Hormones are assholes, and they like to do a big shift at some point in the beginning of each decade. Having that knowledge doesn't help a lot, because it isn't something to readily fix, but on some level knowing does help. I hope your moods level out, whether hormonally related or not. One think I often think is that we go through phases constantly, and there is a good chance in a few years this issue will be a memory.

Cool picture, by the way.

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I'm sure it is some sort of serious chemical imbalance, considering other health problems. And hormones are a bitch, everything seems to effect them, and they seem to effect everything. All you got to do to fix it is eat super healthy, sleep well, exercise regularly and have zero stress in your life, so easy. Oh and also, live in a suitable climate, not too hot, not too cold.

If I seem frustrated by this, I am!

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Yep, that's what is so ridiculous about healing. It's next to impossible to have that balanced and healthy of a lifestyle. Apparently things do get better though, it seems to happen all the time.

And you did not even wanted to tell me what would make you happy :P

Don't you worry, you are not alone in this and I am sure you will go through your dark days well.

Well, if you ever change your mind about my question, or just need to talk, just let me know and no matter what, take care of yourself!

If it is not a %100 photoshop effect, pretty excellent lighting you caught. For me catching the light is like catching a wave for surfing, if you miss one there is another but not the same.

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I can tell you that the light is all natural, only some slight enhancements on Photoshop. That catching a wake analogy is brilliant!

Thanks sir much for sharing that with us @eveuncovered

  • A big fan of yours

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvoting this reply.

If you afraid of dying, how can you really be living?

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Any other platitudes you would like to share? I'm sure you have a Pinterest board full of them.

Ohhh shit. Reading your words and relating and never really speaking about it or writing about it... so after reading and sitting on my ass staring at the screen i got a funny idea and tried to copy your pose! Pretty funny. My elbows wouldn't go there : )

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I like a person who can laugh at dark situations.

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looking at how "well" i'm doing here i think i better start laughing... : (

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You need tips? ;)

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Oh god. Yes

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I've been actually thinking of writing a some sort of tips and tricks kind of post regarding Steemit. Have any specific questions?

Maybe you are just tired and you need a rest. Perhaps you need to fill up your batteries with energy to move on...

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All I do is have alone time and rest, so thanks but no thanks. NEXT!

Hi eveuncovered. I discovered your blog through the #roadtosteemfest posts that I have been awful at engaging properly with... but this is going to change.

I have no well meaning advice, proclamations that yoga is the way to solve all your problems or big bag of weed to wave at you like Bob Marley had all the answers 😉.... although his music is awesome... and in fact I'm gonna youtube a bit of bob right now while I write.

I guess I can relate to this post somewhat, although everyone's experience is different, but I've been living with depression/anxiety for many years and have many coping strategies. I get swings similar to yours, periods of deep malaise followed by up's a mile high.

One thing I've noticed, is that humans have this deep seated desire/need to judge, regardless of if you've let them know how you feel, that it is something chemical going on in the brain, synapses misfiring or whatever. And with these judgments come the inevitable advice. Many people just need to let you know what 'they think' can help you, when in fact you know completely what can help

There are things that I know help me, some of which are ones that I can not buy or provide for myself, which just makes matters worse.

but it is not as simple as the 'just meditate' crew would have you believe. Anyway, I'll finish up by saying that your post did indeed help remind me that I'm not alone in these struggles as you hoped it might

maybe to show that if someone else feels the same, they are not alone in this. Dear lord, this is the one thing where I don’t want to be special and the only one this messed up.

and you made me laugh too

I really am not suicidal, I’m deadly afraid of dying, I would never do that to myself. So if you ever find out I’ve offed myself, and left a goodbye note, don’t believe it, someone killed me and made it look like a suicide.

People flip their lid when someone starts mentioning the word suicide. Reality can be completely subjective sometimes and some people just can't wrap their head around the idea that mentioning something doesn't mean your about to go do it. Anyway, nice to discover a new interesting steemian to follow. Maybe we'll bump into each other at steemfest, I'm glad today is a bright sunny one 🌞💪

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Sorry it took me a while to get back to your comment, had to get the brain to the right place in order not to give a "thanks for the comment" type of response.

I wonder how many people dead with depression/anxiety and never really try and understand where it comes from and how to fix it naturally. There have been times when I have been ready to go to the doctor and say that just give me something to level me out so I don't have to have these mood swings, but I'm glad I haven't done that.

I love talking about deep and dark stuff, and with humour added to make it a bit easier to deal with. I think we need to be able to talk about serious stuff without freaking the fuck out at a sight of "trigger" word like suicide. There are still too many taboo subjects and those are always the interesting topics to have!

See you soon at Steemfest! 🤗

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🤗

I once was told that if I discard everything that's evil, I'll be left w/everything that's not...whatever "evil" is.