Pizza...Or...The lights are on.

But no one is at home.
......................................................................................................................................................................

PIZZA!

“Got to go!”….my inner “self” tells me.

“But I don’t wanna”….I tell myself....sternly.

“Go back to sleep”. The truck is parked in the company lot and I’m in it…in the sleeper. The truck is plugged into “shore power” because the EPA won’t let us Idle any more to stay warm. Even so everything is pretty much froze....

I have one cat curled up on one shoulder next to one ear and the other cat curled up the other shoulder next to the other ear. (I have two house cats that ride with me) I’m under a blanket AND and I have an electric Blanket .

Set on HIGH!

My little thousand watt space heater is also doing it’s best. It’s best is Not good enough.

It’s cold out there. Like five below zero cold. And the wind is a blowing….and it might be snowing.

And I got to go!

So…I tell myself….”Self…it’s all in your mind...and you’re out of it...” And it is…and I was talking to my self wasn’t I? And I was out of my tiny little mind to even be there wasn’t I? Why did I ever want to be a trucker? I've asked myself that for about the millionth time this week.

But does “self” listen? …nooooooooooooo. Not a bit. Bodily functions are like that. In fact the persistence increases. I think my molars might be floating and I’m pretty sure that my eyes are turning yellow.

Yes. I have to GO!

whimper

“Be right back boys” I tell my two cats “keep it warm”.

And I squirm into a TShirt , a pair of Sweat Pants and a pair of slip on ‘gator’s..….open the door and high tail it across the parking lot to the driver’s lounge.

Teeth chattering....hands shaking....I manage to get the trucker’s lounge door open and almost jump into the room. It’s warmer in here than outside..but it’s not WARM. It’s just not freezing, and the wind isn’t blowing. I slide across the tile floor into the rest room and sidle up to the object of my desire.....

“Ahhhhhhhh…”

….....business finished,...only half frozen, and still mostly asleep I gingerly make my way back outside and to my truck. . Falling down on frozen gravel would HURT!! Arriving beside my truck I reach up to open the door and... And…………AND!!!!

The door’s locked. It does that sometimes. It locked behind me. I let it slam too hard when I got out. It’s two hours before sun up…below zero …a mild breeze is blowing sleet….and I’m wearing a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants.

And I’m locked out of my truck.

“Why now?” I moan...as a turn around and open up one of the Fifty Calibre Ammo boxes I have bolted to the head ache rack. Inside is a spare key.

I look for the spare key.

WHERE’S THE SPARE KEY?

whimper

....it’s in a magnetic spare key holder...stuck to the side of the Ammo box...on the inside....the holder must have dragged off when I was pulling chains last. It’s probably in the Ammo box...I hoped that it had fallen into the Ammo Box. I PRAYED that it had fallen into the Ammo Box....and that the road vibrations had caused it to work itself under all the Shackles, loose chains, nuts ,bolts and other stuff. Nothing for it but to paw thru....either that or open the sleeper door and try to climb in. Sleeper doors are five foot off the ground....no step and nothing much to grab on to....and the cats might get out. I’d sift thru the ammo box first. Of course I could have gone back into the driver’s lounge and waited for help.. tomorrow maybe..and let everyone know that I had locked myself out of my truck?

Sure....I would. (Rather freeze first.)

Half an hour later I found the key. My teeth were chattering and my hands were shaking so much that I actually dropped the key while trying to insert it in the door lock. groan

I saw the key under the truck and had to wiggle on by belly...on the ice...to get to it. Finally I did.

Opening the truck is marvelous...the warmth!!! ...but I put the key back in the Ammo Box, before I climbed in. Just in case.

So I slipped out of my, now, nasty t-shirt and sweat pants and slilthered under the blankets...

Waaaaaaarm. It was so warm. And I drifted back to sleep.

For about an hour.

Huh? this could NOT be right. I had a day off with absolutely NO obligations and I was going to sleep LATE.

Nope.

So I lay there....the cats had found some other place to get....they perhaps sensed my mood.

...and I lay there....and beleive it or not I actually managed to drift back off to sleep. For a little while and then....

Coffee! I needed coffee.

I slipped my hand out from under the warm blanket and flipped the coffee maker to ‘on’.....and the heater died...the coffee maker didn’t do anything and the electric blanket quit.

Sh*t.

How MANY times do I have to do that before it sticks in my mind? The circuit breaker won’t handle an electric blanket, a portable heater AND a coffee maker....all at once.

….......and the circuit breaker was out side.

And it was still cold outside....so I got dressed and started the truck. The hell with the EPA. I needed warmth. The truck barely started even though I HAD left a charger on the batteries. Cold, Cold is bad on equipment. The truck rattled, shook and smoked...the low air alarm chirped and sqealed....and I went to reset the circuit breaker on the shore power.

After twenty minutes or so the truck is warmed up and I realize that I’m hungry. The nearby truckstop doesn’t have a resturant and the nearby resturants don’t have much room for truck parking.....so I’ll have a pizza.

I disconnected all the wires and bobtailed over to The Pizza Ranch. I must be early because there are hardly any cars in their parking lot. Good....I need all the room I can get.

I walk inside and notice that all the ‘staff” seem to be teen age girls. Interesting. I then proceed to order a pizza.

“Good morning “ the little girl behind the cash register says “can I help you?”.

“yup” I said...” I’d like to ordere a pizza. I want a large Meat Lover’s with Alfredo sauce, an order of chicken fries and two one liter bottles of mountain dew.”

“oh” she said “ we don’t have one liter bottles”.

“that’s ok” I said...”I’ll take half liter”

“and we don’t have Mountain Dew”...she said.

“That’s ok. “ I said...” I’ll take what you got.”

She frowned and said”...I don’t think I’ve ever heard of “WhuttChewGawt”...

I winced.....language problems. Happens all the time when I get north of the Mason Dixon.

The Soda Pop dilema was a challenge...but we overcome....then we proceeded to the hard part.

PIZZA!

“What do you want” she asked?

“I want a large meat lover’s, with AlredoSauce” I said.

“Meat lover’s “ she said...” what size?”
“Large” I said.
“what type of sauce?” she asked..
“Alfredo” I said.

“You Pizza will be ready in about fifteen minutes” she said...

“Good” I said...”I’ll just wait right here”.

“I need a telephone number so that I can call you when your pizza is ready” she said.

“I’ll just be sitting right here” I told her...”right on that bench”.

“I’m sorry” she said.” The computer needs....”

“1-800-555-1212” I said....knowing all about computers.

“Thank you “ she said....”and your name?”.

“Barack”...I said....grinning at her.

She grinned back more in puzzlement than in happiness.....”thank you Barack”..

Shortly after ward she handed me a Pizza box and said “Have a nice day Barak” and I walked out the door.

Why, why do I want to be a trucker?

To see WHAT is going to happen next....some things are just too unbelievable to be true.