YouTube Surgeon - Short Film Comedy Script

Fellow Steemians!  

I wanted to run an experiment with all of you.  Being that there are several authors who publish their prose on Steemit, I wanted Distant Signal to join that conversation and submit to you a draft of a comedy sketch I wrote.  

This is a project Distant Signal plans on producing in the coming months and I wanted your feedback and suggestions.  Usually, this kind of work only gets passed around between my closest confidants and trusted peers.  However, and at the risk of crushing feedback, since this is a project that is going to live on the Internet, I thought perhaps the Internet should have a look before we get started.  Who knows?  Maybe the feedback saves us all a great deal of headache because it doesn't pass the smell test.

Please keep the feedback constructive.  I'm hoping that the community will help police unhelpful comments along with me and help make YouTube Surgeons a successful project.  Also, It's impossible to format a proper screenplay on Steemit, so I've created a modified one for our purposes here.  Please no formatting notes.

Thank you for having a look,

Phil

(IMAGE SOURCE: FilmmakerIQ.com)

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EXT. DOWNTOWN LA - NIGHT

Pop!  Pop!  

The gunshots echo off the mirrored glass and aging concrete of downtown Los Angeles.

Rounding the corner are two, gruff looking men - BOBBY and RIZZO - supporting an unconscious man between them, TONY.  He's pallid and his abdomen is bleeding. 

They're all dressed professionally, like cops, because they are cops.

BOBBY - Hang in there, Tony.  We're gonna fix this.  

RIZZO - We gotta get him to a doctor.

TONY - Rizzo?  What happened?

RIZZO - You were shot you idiot.

TONY - Who shot me?

BOBBY - Rizzo.

RIZZO - You lying sack.  Don't you dare try and pin this on me.  If you had just done what you were supposed to do and pay the guy none of this would have happened.

BOBBY - We're cops, and cops don't pay for drugs.  If you would have just kept your mouth shut and got outta the way you wouldn't have taken one to the gut.

RIZZO - That's rich.  Reeeeaaaalll rich you dumb bastard.  If you hadn't--

TONY - Guys.

BOBBY - You never could accept responsibility--

TONY - Guys.

RIZZO - We're in this pickle because of you, man--

TONY - BOYS!  I'm feeling a little light headed.

BOBBY - Well we're not taking to the hospital.  We'll have to fill out reports and shit. Other officers will show up.  Internal affairs.  Union reps.  Not to mention all that cocaine we love to do.  We'd be fucked.  

RIZZO - Shit!  Shit, shit, shit.  Okay. What are we going to do?

BOBBY - C'mon.  There's a safe house a couple blocks from here.  I have an idea.  

INT. ROOM - NIGHT 

Riz and Bob throw Tony down on a table.  The setting is sparse, functional.  No frills.  

BOBBY - Keep the pressure on the wound.

Tony comes to.

TONY - Rizzo.

RIZZO - Hey, buddy.  Everything is gonna be okay.  

Bobby opens up a nearby laptop and types in: "how to fix a gunshot wound".

RIZZO - What the hell is that?  

BOBBY - What?

TONY - What?

The video begins to play.

DR. WENDEL - Hello there.  I'm Doctor Wendel and today I'm going to show you how to extract a bullet wound, check for internal bleeding, and if there is none, to safely suture the wound.  (deep breath)  But first, let's catch up Mr. Pug-Tugs the third.

TONY - What the hell is this?

The video cuts to a loving montage of Mr. Pug-Tugs and a long winded, slow story of their travels throughout the new year, because, it's a New Years update after all.

TONY - No way.  You guys are nuts!  

Tony gets up.

BOBBY - Oh, woah.  Buddy.  Where do you think you're goin' man?  You're shot!  You should lie down.

TONY - And let you stick your fingers in me?

BOBBY - Riz.

DR. WENDEL - Who's a good boy?  Kisses?  How about some kisses?  That's a good boy.  I love you too.

The three men slowly turn to look at the video of Dr. Wendel allowing his dog to lick the inside of his mouth.

TONY - That's disgusting.

BOBBY - Right?!  No self respecting man would allow that!  What are you doing, doctor?!

RIZZO - I been tellin' my wife.  We're witnessing the end of western civilization, one click at a time.

Tony turns, Rizzo knocks him out.

LATER

Bobby is skipping through the video to get to the actual tutorial.  Tony's limbs are strapped tot he table.  His shirt is torn, revealing a bleeding bullet wound.  He looks to his right.  There's a table with rags, practice chopsticks and duct tape.

RIZZO - Skip ahead some more.  

BOBBY - Does it look like I'm baking a cake?

RIZZO - Oh, go back.  Go back!

TONY - Guys?  I think I should go to the hospital.

RIZZO - We've kind of been over that.

TONY - You're not qualified to do this.

BOBBY - What are you talking about?  We have the totality of human knowledge at our finger tips. Soon we'll all be doctors.  I mean, how hard can it be?  Being a surgeon is kind a like being a high performance mechanic.  

TONY - You're neither!

Blood squirts onto Bobby.

BOBBY - Christ almighty!

RIZZO - C'mon, Tony.  Calm down.  Look, we know you were the one ripping us off.  We know you were going to go to internal affairs.  You got to at least let us try.  Then we'll be even.

TONY - Oh.  I'm sorry.  Was that an argument?  An appeal?  You were always the idiot.  

RIZZO - Hey.

TONY - Right behind your partner.

BOBBY - Hey.

The surgeon's YouTube video finally begins to talk about how to remove a bullet.  

DR. WENDEL - Okay, Mr. Pug-Tug, you take your forceps...

Dr. Wendel's dog makes tilts its head, confused, Bobby picks up the chopsticks.  

BOBBY - Chinese forceps.

RIZZO - Chink-Ceps.

Tony and Bobby look at Rizzo.

TONY - Not cool.

BOBBY - Yeah, man.  Dave's partner is a Chinaman.  

RIZZO - Oh.  Sorry.

BOBBY - Okay.  Here... We... Go.

Bobby inserts the chopsticks.  Tony wails.  Rizzo becomes faint.

RIZZO - Oh my God.  I think I'm gonna throw up.

TONY - Yeah?  Does it remind you of Chinese food?  Huh?  Fried Rice?!  Shumai!?  

Rizzo covers his mouth.

BOBBY - Shut it.  I'm concentrating.

Bobby presses the chopsticks further.

TONY - ORANGE FUCKING CHICKEN!?

Rizzo pukes and pounds on the wall.

Dust falls in front of Bobby's face.  His nose is tickled.  A sneeze is coming.

DR. WENDEL - You have to be gentle.  I like to think about trees blowing in the wind.  The gentle swing of leaves.  Pollen drifting on the wind.  It's just such a nice image, isn't it?

Bobby sneezes!  Tony screams.  After he recovers, Bobby looks at the chopsticks.  They're broken in half.  

TONY - Where the bottom half of the chopsticks, Bobby?

Tony is bleeding like a garden hose.

RIZZO - Where are they bobby?

Everyone looks down at Tony's wound.

TONY - That's great.  

RIZZO - We're gonna fix this.  Right Bobby?

BOBBY - That's right.  Ummm... Okay.  

DR. WENDEL - Now if the bullet is too deep, you might have to open up the wound.

TONY - No.

BOBBY - Well how else am I gonna get the sticks out?

TONY - I won't say anything.  I promise.  I'll say I was hit by a deer.

RIZZO - Downtown?

TONY - I'm sorry I didn't get out of the way.  I don't want to die, guys.  I'm... I'm...

Tony begins to fade.  Bobby grabs Tony by the shoulders and shakes him awake.

BOBBY - I'm not giving up on you, dammit!

Bobby pops his pocket knife and makes the wound bigger.  Tony screams with a venom only found in the black mamba snake of Australia.  Spit flies from his mouth.

TONY - Mongolian beeeeeeefffff!

Rizzo dry heaves.

BOBBY - That's my favorite dish!

TONY - I know!  I hate you!

Bobby reaches into his stomach elbow deep and ferrets around.  He yanks out one broken stick, a second broken stick and finally...  THE BULLET.

BOBBY - Ha!  We fuckin' did it!  Yeah!  Woo!  Tony!  

RIZZO - Alright!  Salvation!

BOBBY - Tony?

Tony has expired.

RIZZO - Shit.

BOBBY - Well I can tell you right now this video is getting a down vote.

Bobby clicks the thumbs down.

BOBBY - Wanna get some Chinese?

Rizzo throws up.