He loves me; He loves me not.

A lesson in Love

Boy did he show me.

For years now I have been secretly thinking badly of my husband for he hasn’t measured up to my standards. Many times there were ripe opportunities for him to extend a romantic gesture and he completely blew it. It’s not like I haven’t told him what I wanted , passively aggressively or not, and still nothing. Lately I have been wondering why romance was missing from my life and today I was shown the answer by a light switch.

Every weekday morning my hubby and I have a set routine; he gets ready for work and I prepare his lunch, morning tea and smoothie. Our schedule allows this routine for I work the swing shift and have ample time in the morning to do so. This has been our routine since I came to the United States and I have enjoyed doing so. My husband’s myriad of responses to this expression of love has been very fascinating and satisfying but for one aspect; it’s not returned in kind.

Today was a day like the others except for the fact that the lunch component was quite easy to assemble so I had extra time on my hands. This allowed me to come into the bedroom and get some extra chores done since I was filling in time. As part of my hubby’s morning routine he walks to the opposite side of the room and turns the light on over his dresser. This may not seem like a big deal but if you saw the electrical set up of our old house you would understand; it’s a pain in the butt. As I was finishing up his lunch, I looked up to see him walk over to the light switch and turn it on. At that moment the light came on for me:

Why didn’t I turn the light on for him? I walked right over to that area of the house and I knew subconsciously that he turned that light on every morning. What an opportunity to show some romance to my husband in a language that he would understand and I completely blew it.

I continued to finish up his lunch and looked up again to see him get his coat on and head outside. Again the light switch went off! Why didn’t I go and start his car and bring it up to the house? (he parks down the street due to our parking situation with two cars and opposite schedules) I could have easily done that since that is one of the secret things I appreciate being done for me.

Then to add insult to injury when I looked at the car another light switch was turned on. Yesterday I was driving around doing some errands and I used his car. The reason for the switch was two fold: he needed some gas in his car and mine was full and there was more room in my car and he needed the extra storage for an errand. I offered him to use my car and off we went in our different directions. I went about my morning routine and returned in time to get to work. Later that day my hubby asked if I had put gas into his car and I had to say no. At that moment my heart fell for in all honesty the thought didn’t even cross my mind. Dammit I blew another opportunity. What made things worse is that he has done that a few times for me in the past.

So how many times were my husband and I missing opportunities to express love to each other? Another question that came to my mind was why? Was it because I felt that I had done enough and that I was only going to reciprocate in kind? It was easy to make this all about him but what were my true thoughts on the subject? Was I not even looking for ways to express love because I felt that he should make the first move? Was I reacting in this situation from a poor me/protected mindset and contributing to this mess by justifying what I have done?

We all have this little point system where by which we judge how someone loves us. This system is likened to the childhood game of plucking petals off a daisy and saying: “He loves me -he loves me not”. The last 24 hours just showed me three specific incidents where I plucked the petal off my husband’s flower.

Gas in the car
Light on in the bedroom
Moving the car and warming it up at the same time

So apparently we both are experiencing this simultaneously where we are feeling plucked and I plucked him with three in less than 24 hours and those are only the ones i’m aware of.

But but but I’m justified in my feeling plucked too right? How many times did I try to show him love and it was unappreciated or thwarted? And the answer comes back to me that he feels the same and that is sobering. Apparently being right and justified in this situation isn’t bringing happiness, there must be a different way.

I was thinking about how our focus on a situation has the power to create whatever we want. What have I been focusing on here? Clearly my attention has been on what I don’t want for I have been carrying this feeling in the pit of my stomach; the one where your needs are not being met. Everytime a missed opportunity arose, up came the feelings of not being appreciated and my first response was anger, justification, retaliation or shame. But was it working? Ironically by focusing on what my hubby wasn't delivering and the associated feelings around it continued a pattern of missed opportunities; for both of us.

What if I turned it around and started to focus on what I wanted? Say a situation comes up and another opportunity is missed; what do you focus on? Here are some options.

Boy I just wished he got his shit together!

The rant begins where we ramp up the feeling of being thwarted and throw at them every name in the book and blame them for our unhappiness. That’s feels good in the moment but what has it accomplished? Nothing positive for we would have felt the change for good. What are the feelings associated with that thought? Justification? Frustration? Anger? By focusing on these we create more of them. Is more wanted? My guess is that you have enough of that already.

I just wanted to feel loved.

This is a very noble, honest thought/feeling but it keeps us stuck. Why? What is the focus of those words? It's not the love as one would first expect but the opposite; the focus here is on the lack of love… the absence. The feeling that comes over us is what the absence of love makes, not the receiving of love. By consistently focusing on the absence of something it creates more absence.

So what is the answer?

The answer is to focus on what I want. When a situation comes up and what is before me is not what I want, I need to stop take a moment and define what I want. This isn’t a response to the incident but a request for something else. My thoughts will be filled with the ability to recognize areas that show love to others and want others to do the same for me. I can focus on the clarity and clear communication of those needs and how that would feel. Dwell on the feelings being met.

This may not immediately change the current situation but it is the beginning of the change, that is to be remembered. Don’t lose heart for this is called the beginning for a reason. Be gentle with yourself for up until this point your focus has been on the problem and not the solution; the solution always being what you truly want. At this moment you are fully immersed in your problem thinking and a solution in not evident. The number of opportunities I have missed because of the fear associated with the word HOW are endless. Each opportunity or dream that I had was immediately squashed by the fear of how it would be achieved and not seeing the answer. Only recently did I realize that the answer was hidden because I never asked to see it; truly see it. It's only when we focus on what we want and ask for the solutions that change can come. I have never asked based on what I truly wanted it was always based on the absence. How many years have I been focusing on what I don’t want? Not once did I take that opportunity for a quiet moment to reflect on what I wanted; love to be expressed, clear communication, unbridled passion to name a few. Don’t limit it to asking for a certain person or situation to change in order for you obtain happiness for that again is wasted focus; it will only produce more of what you don’t want. Happiness is an inside job and you are fully capable. Speak of what you want. The situation at hand is simply a manifestation of old thinking and doubt and it has to play out. It can only change in the future when we focus on what we want right now consistently and start the process of change. Eventually the tipping point will be reached. Change is a response to a shift in thinking and it starts with being clear with what we want. If you’re like me you will find out exactly how much time you have been focusing on what you don’t want.

So today I will start asking for more of what I want.