90 Day Challenge - Feline Wisdom - Day 5

It’s early morning and the first sounds we hear are:

Paws thundering against the laminate floor,
Squeaks as pads try to grip and hold on while making a sharp corner,
Crashes as bodies attempt to scamper underneath the dresser or bed and finally,
Hissing and growling as our Autumn is once again cornered.

It sometimes feels like we are in a 60’s version of the TV show Batman, POW! CRASH! OUCH! This happens almost everyday without fail and it’s gotten to the point that we don’t need to set our alarm clock. The cats wake us up with these antics up to an hour before we need to! Needless to say these shenanigans are becoming a tad bit frustrating.

As I look into the cute caramel-tipped nose of our precious Autumn, I ask myself why this specific creature was brought into our lives. Of course, there are the obvious reasons of love and affection but there is an undeniable undercurrent with her presence; our other three cats do not accept her. We did all the socialization protocol that was recommended to help them adjust but nothing seems to help. We even attempted herbal remedies and she still is the outcast of the group. With the other three, you will see them interchange sleeping partners and even giving each other baths but not with Autumn. The most peaceful scene I have seen with the four of them is when they all sleep on the bed.

Have you ever wondered about our pets and why we have the ones we have? Out of all the millions of options out there why her? Well, my take on this is that they mimic back to us some issue that we are dealing with to provide us with a healing opportunity. With Autumn, she is gifting me with the presence of isolation energy for feeling like an outcast is something I can relate to. My childhood was one big bubble of being an outsider and not fitting in despite how I tried. One of my childhood memories was a desperate moment where I thought my new pencil crayons would elevate me somehow in my classmate's eyes. When the time came to do the coloring assignment I offered them the opportunity to use my new crayons and there was no illuminating moment for it didn’t help at all.

I felt like a character in an animated film where they colored me in blue and grey hues because everywhere I turned I failed in belonging to a group; or at least that was what I associated that awful empty feeling in my stomach to. It was obvious that I became a valued member of whatever group I was in but I still felt like an outsider. The self-fulfilling prophecy manifested itself with each group seemed to resemble a “family” type environment become disbanded somehow. Thankfully, the cycle finally stopped when I moved to the United States and in the most challenging of environments for I knew noone. The members of Paul's social circle were welcoming but I only met these people briefly.
I entered into a crucible of facing this insecurity and am presently still there.

Up until then, I was scared to spend time by myself and need people around to avoid that. The most amazing thing happened: I learned to like my own company. Now I crave my alone time and am grateful for the choices that led me here.

With this new found discovery of myself I thought that needy side of myself was done with. Apparently not, for when I went to go chat with a fellow co-worker one day, all that spewed out was this painful story of my isolated childhood. I droned on and on about how my mom drilled it into my head that I was different. That I tried to be normal but I couldn't do it. That I felt like an outcast and felt that I didn’t fit in and that being different was a curse I have grown to live with. Where in the hell did that come from?

My co-worker, who can be quite the sharpshooter, listened to my story and said, “What makes you think you don't fit in?”.

That hit me like she slapped me in the face! The story I had replayed was true testimony that I wasn’t as far along in my acceptance of those feelings as I thought I was. Goes to show you that I can tell myself all day long I have dealt with something and an experience like this arises to show me my deeper perspective. Now there doesn’t need to be judgment for it never helps whereas an honest acceptance does wonders. It has come to open a whole new door for me to study; ridicule from people is in my top list of fears. Thank you Autumn for showing my fear and hopefully soon this belief will be addressed allowing the paradigm to shift so you no longer need to show it to me.

Today I will gently accept the portions of myself I don’t want to see and as I do lessen their presence in my life.