To the person I couldn’t love yet
Letters to all the boys
we liked loved before who mattered to us
I’ve always hated it when I am about to start writing and this blinking cursor mocks me for staring at it. This time is not any different at all. The blinking cursor of my Notepad app had been mocking me for over 5 minutes now and it has been driving me crazy.
I told myself that I have so many things to tell you after everything you’ve said to me. My swollen eyes and red nose and tissue-papers-wet-with-snot-drippings (ok, I know, too much info?) prove just that...that I do have A LOT to say. I couldn’t just be crying for no reason, right? But, just as I opened my Notepad app, this annoying cursor would seem to jeer at my attempts to write my thoughts. I can’t believe this is so difficult. Probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever have to do. But...the receiving end of this letter is worth it. So I will write.
You are worth the explanation, so here’s a lengthy one. You may want to read this while sitting down, and get some Kleenex while you’re at it. Hide behind your sunnies, if you must. This is going to induce a cryfest. I know, because I have been crying so hard even before I started writing this, and I am still crying now as I write.
Photo by Sean Kong on Unsplash
The past few weeks that I have spent with you have been some of the most interesting and heartwarming times I’ve ever had.
Early on, what made it interesting was the thrill of talking to you, a person I’ve never really imagined I’d get the chance to be talking to. I wanted to be friends with you, but our situation and the circumstances surrounding us are not ideal for us to even start becoming friends. But, the universe is such a troll because here we are, getting along with each other, when we thought it wasn’t possible. What made my times with you some of the most heartwarming I’ve ever had was largely because of who you are. You are kind, gentle, sweet, and funny. It was such a refreshing thing to be able to talk to you, to share the past few weeks with you, and to be proven wrong when I thought that people like you were rude. I am not as kind, not as gentle, not as sweet, and not as funny...which is probably why I have been drawn to you almost so easily.
But, I am sorry that this needs to end.
I know you don’t want me to keep saying sorry. But, please allow me to apologize to you a hundred times and more through this letter.
You said that you were falling for me and you felt a connection with me. You said you'd want to risk this, to not back off, and to at least see if this is worth the try.
You asked me what I think.
I am sorry that I don't know what to think. Or that my mind can't (or wouldn't) translate into the most accurate words what I've been thinking (or not thinking) right now. I am not sure what to think. But one thing I am certain of is that I don't want to get hurt. And I am getting hurt by this...what's happening and not happening between,with, and in us.
I don't know what I am feeling. I am not sure what I feel. Two things I am certain of though: I miss you and I feel confused. I don't want to stay away because I'll miss you. But if I don't stay away, I'll be more confused.
The saddest part in all of this, I think, is the fact that, if I may be starting to fall for you too, I may not even be aware that I am falling already. But if I am, it's not something I'd like to admit. Because I am confused. I am scared. I am not brave enough. And I don't want to be brave enough. I am afraid. And I am sorry that your most gentle and reassuring words have not been successful in melting my fears away.
I do not have the courage to say "Yes", when you asked me if I wanted to give this a try. Because I've seen how a "Yes" has eventually caused severe wounds that took 4 years to heal. The very same wounds have been threatening me of their reopening...the more time we spend with each other.
Our time was only fun at first...but when emotions...REAL emotions got involved...it became something else. It was starting to become real...and in my experience, being real requires being vulnerable. And naturally, I got scared. Even just hints of how this was becoming real already made me anxious. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I was scared to be vulnerable again. Because I barely lived to see how my emotions were previously treated...and how it has left me so broken. When I chose to be vulnerable before a man before, almost nothing was left with me after. And to become that vulnerable again, it's haunting me that the same outcome will eventually happen because...well...that's what happens.
It's sad...that the very person who has been making me happy...is the same person who has been the reason these tears have not stopped running over my cheeks.
I like you. And I care for you. And you may be right, that I won't know for sure if I don't even try. But, I want to use this opportunity to do something I didn't get to do with my ex before. To leave while I am still able to do so. To walk away while I am still on the surface. To swim back to shore before I am in too deep. To back off while I still can. To spare myself from scars while the jabs and the hurts have not bled me dry yet.
This is a cliche. But let me say it anyway. It's not you, it's me. You are wonderful. Too wonderful for me, even.
I am sorry if my decision is causing us so much pain right now. You have been so kind to think about how you're hurting me with what you're asking from me. Man, you don't even see that I am hurting you too as I continually say "No” to you. I guess that's another one of the things I like about you...you're selfless...and I don't deserve it...and I don't deserve you. Because you are lovely and beautiful...and I am selfish and only thinking about how this is going to make me feel or if this is going to hurt me eventually. But like what I've said before, I don't want to fall in love with you just because you reminded me of who I thought was my "the one" (or...the "was"). Telling me stuff about you might make me fall in love with you. But, it will just bring us back to the cycle. That if we did pursue this, become boyfriend-girlfriend even, I am brought back to those times when my previous relationship would start off as heaven...but would eventually become rock bottom towards the end. The idea that the probable outcome of this relationship with you is going to be similar to what happened with me and my ex...it's something that I cannot handle.
I want to be selfish and say that...if I am not yet ready now...maybe we can try in a few months...or years. But, I care for you so much that I wouldn't want to dare to even put you in that situation to wait for me and for something that I am not sure will come anyway. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve an equally wonderful lady by your side too. I am a mess right now, and I don't know when I will be equally wonderful. So...despite the high level of selfishness in me, let me do one selfless thing for you now...
I AM LETTING YOU GO.
I release you. Not because I want to, but because you deserve it. I owe it to you, to give you the freedom from me...so you could pursue something and someone far better.
Oh, those necessary pauses filled with tears that were needed to be done right after I wrote the sentences before this.
As I close this letter, please know that you have etched yourself to be a part of my life now. It's a significant part that I won't ever allow to be removed from my life. I don't expect the same treatment because heck, I don't deserve it. But if you ever ask me how I want you to remember me, please, I am begging you, don't just remember me as that crazy girl who would bore you to death with all her sermons about international relations and politics. Instead, please remember me as that girl who, even though she's afraid to be with you, got her life changed for the better because of you.
Maybe in a parallel universe. Maybe there, the universe will be kind to us. The circumstances will be less cruel to us. The forces beyond our control will be rooting for us rather than tear us apart. Maybe in a parallel universe. But not here, not now.
I wish you all the best in life. I wish you the happiness, love, warmth, kindness, and selflessness that I can never provide. I wish that you won't be sad for long. And I wish you will find that person who will make you smile for eternity. Whoever she is, she is going to have the best adventure with you.
Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash
In this series of posts, we write letters to all the boys who passed us by, but not without leaving memories and wisdom for keeps.
You can read another letter by one of the @coarebabes H E R E, entitled To the person I loved first | Letters to all the boys we
liked loved before.