Disarming Armageddon *-parenting in 15 minutes.*

Before parenthood...

Will I ever look like this again?
3.10pm Wednesday afternoon- Grafton Street
A golden haired little boy had just finished his Christmas pizza and mango at a local family restaurant. The atmosphere seemed contentedly calm for now. Rather than sitting in his Mercedes-Benz style buggy he suggested to his Mummie that he push the buggy and she get in.
She declined. A low grade whine began to threaten the status quo but this was superbly intercepted by Mummie. With a flick of her hand she declared: "Look at the birdies!" Well, tantrum bedamned! His cherubic face spread out into a beaming smile as the wonder of this sight completely distracted him. He then took off like a bat out of Hell into the oncoming crowd- birdie chasing. She lunged into the crowd, buggy first, mowing them down as she scrambled after him like a cracked egg: "If you don't hold my hand, we're going home!" The health of the shoppers was taken care of with a feckless "Sorry!" Once she had is little hand in hers, "Success," she thought "I can breathe now".

Parenthood...

Probably not...

3.12pm Same street
"I want to see the birdie man in Stephen's Green (park)". It was only logical. The park with a gazillion pigeons and a weirdo man with bags of porridge giving them an oat binge- just for the sake of voyeurism- was just minutes away. Not only that but the park was on the way home and thus convenient. What a luxury!

Image from pixabay
But life happens while fools are busy making plans. To the right hand side the only toy shop on Grafton Street - Dublin's and Europe's most expensive retail street- emerged. Her 'cutie pie' detoured and veered towards it's entrance: "I want to go to the Spiderman Shop!" With a new boldness, Mummie asserted her knowledge of a bestselling parenting manual: "We'll go to the Spiderman Shop after the birdies. Now it is time for the park with the birdies, because it is closing." He knew. Those eyes like Bambi eyes on an infant. They knew Mummie was a big fat liar. So he puffed out his chest like a big bad wolf, and lowered his body like a lion about to pounce and screamed. And jumped. The world stopped. Toddlerarmageddon.

Image from Propability Manufacturing and Design
3.13pm, The Witching Minute
Frozen, the Botox Brigade stared in horror at Mummie...and her clothes, at her son and his second-hand buggy and hesitated. In their pause rested a possibility that some one of them might step forward to help or disarm this apoplectic meltdown. However, the Loafers 'Guccied' by, there was no outward benefit to them in offering a hand- Mummie and son were nobodies. "Fuck it" they thought, "nanny looks after our tantrum situations, she should have a nanny!" "Fuck it", thought the Botox Brigade, "Anyway, what is she doing on this side of town? No nanny, is she insane?" Despite their bravado, the FEAR begat them- the Loafers and the Botox Brigade were brought face-to-face and buggy-to-buggy with renters.

Free cartoon from Masalamoms

3.14pm and 11 seconds later, The Police Car
Everyone was trapped. The Loafers, the Botox Brigade and Mummie were caught in a triangle reminiscent of that scene From 'The Good The Bad & The Ugly'. Who would act first? As if on cue, 'Cutie Pie' saw his opportunity and wailed "I want Police Car!" Then cried "In The Spiderman Shop!" Mummie exhaled with a gratitude usually reserved for plumbers and electricians "You want a police car, you get a police car!" And again he knew. Mummie meant it. "Yay! I love you Mummie!" With hearts bursting with love, they sashayed into the fancy toy shop. They were greeted by a shop assistant who minded their buggy. They were shown the police cars- they were reduced from twenty euros to only six! "You are the best little boy in the world!" gushed Mummie as they paid the nice lady at the checkout.

3.24pm Grafton Street
'Wheeeeeeee-wheeeeeeee-wheeeeeeeee' The Police Car had a siren that would not shut up. This was handy navigating the crowds as they parted like that sea in the Bible while Mummie and son were heading home. But there was no off button- none. No wonder it was reduced. Mummie sighed. Her son knew. He turned with his cherubic face and said "Mummie, it's very annoying!"

3.25pm Same
Mummie removed the batteries and disposed of them responsibly. "Hurray- no more noise!" Mummie grabbed the buggy handle and zigzagged down the hill as her son sang all the way home.

Wrecked after Christmas
This is my New Year Resolution reminder photo: Take better care of myself!