PTSD
Some days are worse than others. When my mind is weak and I can't fight the thoughts anymore, that's when they're the loudest. Like a constant murmur of voices screaming out all of my deepest secrets, my biggest regrets. I look around and wonder if I'm the only one who can hear them. God I hope so.
I wonder why I still say that. "God". As if saying His name will make Him listen, as if believing in Him will grab His attention. What's the point? If it's true what they say, if this is all a part of God's plan, I don't want anything to do with Him anyway. God is not good to me. And yet, I still capitalize His name and pronouns...just in case.
Ribbons of smoke float around me like blood mixing with water. The clouds remind me of my messy mind. A place where everything and nothing makes sense. I used to be so smart, so bright. I had a voice, confidence, general happiness. At some point it was stolen, and I'm not sure who has it now, but I want it back.
I'm surrounded by familiar, smiling faces. They've got no idea what runs through my head. I've got a thousand reasons why I'm better off dead, and only one single reason to stay alive. What kind of debate is that? I guess it's in the weight of the coin, isn't it?
Now the real question is, which one is more selfish?
Asking someone to stay in a world that they hate? Like forcing an ante from a 2/7 hand; like guilting someone into playing a game of constant suffering they know they will inevitably lose... or is ending your life worse? Leaving everyone that loves you behind, transferring your burdens onto them. Leaving them to wonder what they did wrong, wishing they had done something, when in reality, there was nothing that could be done.
Some of us just can't take this world with a grain of salt like the rest. We ponder and wonder, wandering until our minds go insane and suddenly nothing matters but escaping.
There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you could have done. For some of us, our demons are just too strong.
DISCLAIMER: I am not suicidal, please do not alert the authorities.
Those demons sure do have a way of piling-on -- they have no mercy.., they will kick you when you're down or remind you how miserable this life can be even when you think things might be turning around for you... They are relentless!
And even when you think you've fought 'em off, they come back with a vengeance months or years later.
I wish I'd known how insanely powerful memories could be. I used to think drugs would make me forget 'em but they only set them aside for a while.
phrases very beautful. very good!
Thank you! it's very much appreciated ((:
I actually wish that I couldn't relate to your words as much as I do. The darkest place in this world is in my own mind, I have to deal with it and try to keep it in its boundaries but it will never ever fade away. Maybe we need our demons to really appreciate to colorful things in life but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed by those demons. Once they take over it is hard to see and think without the influence of those dark parts within yourself. But in my opinion it definitely helps to write about it. To me it feels like those thoughts are lossing strength when you try to confront them through writing. I guess it helps you as well, so keep on having this creative output of your feelings. I can only speak for myself but I guess I will never be bored of your thoughts and words so you can count on me as a loyal reader! :)
You're amazing for that <3 I love your posts we have such a similar outlook, it's dope. I feel the same way. Writing releases all the shit building in my mind. And the more I write the better I feel... Maybe ot's a bit of a confidence boost too, ya know? Taking a break from spending days on end in bed miserable to write something so real, rereading and recognizing theres talent and passion within you really quiets the voices screaming out "You're useless."
DISCLAIMER: I am not suicidal, please do not alert the authorities.
I'm so calling the authorities charlie lol jk awesome job!
LOL I thought you'd find that amusong ;p
For me there were a thousand things they "could of done" but at this point even if they wanted to make amends they can just keep it. I have become very comfortable in my emotional self reliance their fake softness really has little lure for me anymore. As for my demons some are very dangerous and yeah they pull me under from time to time , but I have yet to drown.Other demons have become more frenemies and sometimes even show up for tea and crumpets :P - very good piece BTW. For some reason I always feel like you are a female bukowski in the making :)
First off, a female Bukowski in the making, that's gotta be the greatest compliment I've ever received, I could scream.
haha I wish my demons came for tea and crumpets! ;p
But you're absolutely right, there are so many ways to keep someone alive, but they only work if that person has at least an ounce of desire to continue breathing. Some people fantasize about it their entire lives, it's like a prison you can't escape. Even when things are great, everything's shit. If everything you think about is death for years and years, it seems inevitable. This was mostly my own contemplation before it made me think of all the loved ones I know who have lost people close to them to suicide. They blame themselves constantly. It's such a heavy burden to put on another and it breaks my heart every day to see them hate themselves for letting the love of their life slip away when it was completely out of their control. I've gotta hope that if someday I reach a point in my life where I just can't go on anymore, my family won't spend even a moment blaming themselves. Because it's out of their control. I can't stand that sympathetic whine every time I break apart. It never helps.
I'm still working on fighting off my demons, putting them on back burners until they boil over.
Thank you for reading and commenting, female Bukowski seriously made my day. <3
It gets a bit better the older you get, at least it did for me. Also I have learned to be very rigorous about the people I let into my life, the wrong people can eat you alive from the inside leaving you no room to fight you demons it is a very dangerous situation. I have learned to say no and it wasn't easy but this skill literally saved my life ...
P.s do you know his "The Laughing Heart" poem it has helped me through some rough times
I have the same problem, I can't say no worth shit, and when I do, all youve gotta do is ask me once more and I give in. I've been working on that too. Thats by far my biggest downfall I'd say.
I have never read that poem until just now, I read more of his negative waiting to die poetry books than any of his positive ones but that was beautiful. Definitely a poem I'll be writing in my notebook thankyou for showing it to me! You're So frickin awesome!
You are most likely an empath and as such you need to lean to shield yourself from this world or it will rip you apart and eat you alive. It took me years to understand that I was not the problem, but that they were -and that their perpetual insanity and brutal and selfish natures where permeating me and literally poisoning me. They were sucking me dry and their repugnant disregard for life and each other and me would make my already very sensitive chemical bain chemistry dip into depression or anger. For years I blamed myself thought if I could just be like them that all would be well and that my inability to do so made me defective.I was self destructive , lived dangerously , cut myself put myself in life threatening situations drugged myself to endure their company. Then one day I realized being like them is what is wrong with the world and that to be able to have a quality of life I had to remove myself from them as much as I could. That finally made things better, not perfect but better and i really wish it had not taken me 40+ years to get there ... find out what and who poisons you and ban it from your life, it is pure survival.
That sounds like an exact description of my life. Haha I'm insanely self destructive and impulsive. I walk into situations knowing in my gut it's not a good one... But I give the world a chance to prove to me I'm wrong, I give them the benefit of the doubt and get screwed every time. And it's a repetitive cycle that I just never learn from and it drives me mad. It seems it's impossible to eliminate the poison in my life because it's everywhere. The entire world is poisonous. Every person I come in contact with, theyre wolves and I'm a lamb, the world is so dark. I can only be rid of the poison if I stay inside. I've done a pretty decent job so far. LOL I always tell myself, just because the rest of the world is shit, doesn't mean you have to be. But I'm slowly learning it's a dog eat dog world and I remain a lamb.
Yea I see a lot of my younger self in you actually the thing is not to become evil but to retreat and become a gerillia and fight their evil and create spaces for oneself and other to find refuge. Yes they are shit most people out there but there is a whole planet and tribes of non humans that need our help and protection from the tribe of man. you will evolve trust me I am almost 30 years your senior you are just beginning have more faith in yourself.
Haha that's so neat, honestly. I'm very glad to have found you here(: I think one of mybiggest mistakes was rushing into lessons I wasn't ready for, and in all the wrong ways. I can only hope and work to become a stronger and more passion driven person like you, or even like I was before all the bullshit. There are always side streets to lead you back to the right path, I've just gotta find my way through the labyrinth (:
That's some real nice wording there :-) One can certainly relate to much of this. I used to support people in Mental Health support groups and PTSD is a very common subject in poetry. I think it's the only way we can make sense of the feelings, where we go from zombie like detachment (a complete emotional separation) then other times switch to a full on nightmare of feeling so brutally anxious and emotionally charged it's like you heart's going to bust our your chest! The swing between hope and utter despair remains the only real constant.
Thank you!(: I can definitely see that, we feel everything so deeply. Pouring it out on paper helps from keeping it bottled up and destroying you from the inside out. I've found the more I talk about a traumatic experience, the easier it gets to accept and move on.
Self expression is essential when it comes to things like PTSD. It's a slow progression, but each step is groundbreaking. Writing helps when we have no one to externalise with. Reading it back can help put things into a perspective we never thought of before :-)
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