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What you are about to read is completely true.

It all began in the morning.

It's no secret that my neighbor strongly dislikes me. Those of you who have followed my personal posts on Facebook may note that she's called the cops on me over 29 times and to date hasn't succeeded in getting me in trouble.

It was Saturday morning. Sister and I wanted to hit the gym, so we're getting into my car and I'm sitting in the driver's seat while my sister is to my left still outside. We're discussing what types of workouts to do, so she starts elaborating (in a funny way mind you but still) with her hands and legs what workouts she wants to do when we start working out.

As she's performing these movements outside my car door, I notice behind me there's a white minivan parked about 25 feet behind us. I nside of it is my neighbor, an old hispanic lady with meth face and a vocabulary limited to FUCK, SHIT, or ASS within every 6 syllables. With her were her two sons, both under age 5, her high school niece or God knows who, her friend, and another person I couldn't discern.

I notice them laughing. Not just like "Oh that's funny, let's laugh at her antics" but like "Oh I hate those fuckers and I want to ridicule them and point and laugh".

So my neighbor was obviously trying to incite my sister, as each time my sister turned around my neighbor pointed and laughed.

So my sisters gets in the car, and she's not too pleased with the situation. As we pull away I decide to open my sunroof, and as it's opening my sister takes it upon herself to flip them off behind us.

I don't agree with her decision at this point; escalation isn't a fun tactic. But at the moment I didn't scold her, I laughed and figured "yeah fuck those guys".

So they start trying to tail me up the street.

At the top of the street is a stop light and a forced right or left. As I approached the stoplight, I slowed to a 5-mile per hour crawl to let the light turn yellow. Then once it did, I gunned it into the light, and made the left way ahead of them
and they were now stuck at a red.

And so off we went,

to the gym!

Wouldn't you know, It was quite a lovely day too. My sister and I started singing after the gym walking back to the car and got some positive reactions for it; high fives from pedestrians are always a mood boost.

👌

When we arrive at my house the high school niece is sitting on my front lawn...well, I live in the back house so their front lawn technically.

I've never met this person so I'm not gonna be a dick to a stranger regardless of the history between my neighbor and I. I walk by and casually say "hello". Now I didn't hear it, but it turns out she said "fuck you" back, by her admission later on.

Now I didn't hear it, but it turns out she said "fuck you" back, by her admission later on.

Carrying on...

I walk up my driveway and à la Kramer from Seinfeld my neighbor notices we're back. She pops out of her house while on the phone, screaming:

"Yeahhhh not so tough now huh fuckers, talking shit, you wanna flip me off punk ass flip me off now huh? Fucking bitch"

I respond with,

"As you wish"

and right in her face mind you!

So now SHE'S HEATED, but then again, don't dare me to flip you off on my own property as I'm arriving from the gym. I don't come home to have to get into drama.

She's starting to curse everything to my name from family to material.

Once she began her curse waterfall I began singing as loud as I could,

"ME SOUL ON FIRE, I LIKE IT LIKE THAT"

She stopped cursing halfway down the driveway, seems like my trolling did the job.

I had plans to head to a church/community function (weird huh) with my sister, my brother, and my cousin, so I got ready over the course of the next three hours, we met at my house, and set off. It was pretty freakin' lit Christmas party for a church man, and we came home around 10:45-11:20 if I can piece things together properly. We park the car and my sister and cousin get out of the car and go down the driveway first. We parked in the street about 20 yards from my driveway. They make it to my door with no hassle.

Mom comes home simultaneously, pulls her 93' Geo Metro into the driveway, parks it no hassle.

It's just my brother Nick and I in his car at this point. He's browsing on his phone and not feeling too well, so he wanted some alone time as I could ascertain. I left him in the car and started walking, telling him not to "lag it" getting down to my house. There was hookah and camaraderie to be had.

I'm walking towards my house. Outside my neighbor's house, in the front, there's a patio.

On that patio was my neighbor, her "niece", and a 5'9' approximately 230lb Cholo with tats here and there. He was loc'd out with a bald head, Dickies, and pulled up very high white gym socks. The guy is holding a can of Bud Light (a man of refined taste), and he's clearly...I mean clear as day in the middle of the night...drunk. I smelled him far before he approached me. As I'm walking by them, I hear from dude's mouth "Hey come with me to the sidewalk, let me talk to you". I've never seen this mother fucker before in my life and he's drunk as hell. His breath smelled like a fresh cracked brew of ass and barley.

His breath smelled like a fresh cracked brew of ass and barley.

He gets close, I mean real close. My neighbor starts mouthing "Flip me off now then, now you're gonna get it."

(Fuck)

I tell him,
"This is my house man. Who the hell are you? You gotta talk, talk to me here."

He repeats himself, I repeat myself,

he gives me a shove.

I tell him calmly,
"Look man I don't know you and I don't want to fight you. I don't even know what beef you got with me, but don't put hands on me ."

He says, "Or what?" before motioning towards the block and asking me to step with him to the sidewalk again.

I walk a couple of paces for appeasement purposes, and he then gets into the nitty of it.

"You wanna disrespect women bro..." was the start of his "point".

Little does he know my experience of being raised by a single mother and the effect that has on your chivalry...

I open my mouth to try to start discussing where I'm coming from (THE FUCK AM I THINKING THIS GUY DRUNKER THAN A HILLBILLY STEPFATHER)...

...He swings on me about halfway into my point.

It's on.

His initial strike landed softly on my collarbone/tip of chin. I backed up, he swung again, missed, and

I caught him with a right jab-left to the nose.

Instant gush.

He comes in close, I hammer off the same combo, he stumbles back. I back up down my sloped driveway to the sidewalk, and he stumbles in pursuit. He gets FACE-TO-FACE with me, and grabs at my shirt. He starts ripping and holding onto it, a sign in my head of a battered fighter. I start screaming for my family's assistance and they rush over moments later.

As he tries to throw a punch, I parry it and grab his arm. I put my right forearm in his face to push him off of me, applying pressure with the cutting edge of my forearm to his nose knowing I damaged it. This causes him to release my shirt and me for the moment.

When he lets go, I jump back and catch the rogue punch he was throwing, then I put my palms on the back of his head since he conveniently put his face down and jump knee him in the face.

He was done, I swore he was out on his feet.

I kept the hammers coming when I had a chance to, and even got a couple more knees to the face in. He tries to take me down now, but lacks the foresight to know that I was a varsity champion wrestler. He gets me down to a knee. I sprawl on top of him and rotate him onto using his arm and neck once he collapsed on his stomach.

Now I'm pinning him down by sitting on top of him with my knees under his armpits and my weight on his chest, basically a judo/jiu-jitsu mount.

I'm holding his wrists and telling him "Stop it man it's over, just relax." I really wasn't trying to fight this dude to begin with, nor continue doing so. His struggling starts to wear down. Each time he tried to hit me, I'd give him a smack across the face, until eventually he said "alright alright" and started acting calm.

Each time he tried to hit me, I'd give him a smack across the face.

I already knew he was lying. The way this guy spoke and acted, he's not above playing dirty. I let him stand up, and once he does he turns around for a moment, and takes a half step up my driveway.

We collectively think, "Phew, it's over."

Nope.

He turns around and tries to cheap shot me. His flailing disoriented motion causes him to almost hit my mom (she was on the sidelines in shock).

• At this moment,
• That I write this story,
• I can still be brought to rage filled tears.

That's my mother, my blood line, my creator for lack of better description.

You're fucking dead, kiddo.

I started wailing on him with the fury of a thousand suns, screaming "YOU WANNA CHEAP SHOT MOTHER FUCKER? YOU WANNA PLAY DIRTY AFTER I FUCKING LET YOU GET UP? I'M GONNA FUCKING END YOUR PUNK ASS YOU FUCKING BITCH."...or something along those lines. I was angry.

I proceeded to combo break the fucker's face left, right, left, right.

I grabbed him in the back of the head again, and I literally long jump knee'd him in the face. I then brought him close and ripped him to the ground. I literally threw the guy down. He got up on a knee, I haymaker'd him in the face.

He got on his hands and knees.

At this point I'm caught in the thralls of an adrenaline filled rage. I begin punching, with angry fury, the back of his head and the sides of his face.

He collapses onto his stomach. I don't relent for a couple more blows.

Then I get on top of him and secure his arms, before sitting him up on his ass. He sits on his ass, his hands begin trying to swing, so I clock him once more in the back/side of the face. I'm now cradling him from behind, arms wrapped around his torso, and he's still managing to fiddle and fuss.

I look at my neighbors and say "Damn, now I could use a beer too, grab me one yeah? Oh, and one for him too please".

All the women present and my family were in a screaming hissy fit. The incredulous neighbors were cheering for him as he was getting his face mashed in which had me laughing a bit inside after it all to be honest.

So I implore the guy, "I'm gonna let you go, but that's it, STOP."

He gets up, starts trying to get fresh again,

My cousin steps in and kicks him in the ribs.

I mean, one solid kick,

THUD, ribs, gasp for air

The timeline after me being angry as fuck kinda got hazy but at this point we told my cousin to back off. Cholo dude heads for his truck. He opens the driver side door, fiddles around here and there, and I'm thinking, "Fuck this guy is gonna get a gun right now and blast me to hell".

I cautiously tread down the block to observe from a distance. As firefighters arrive, the cholo dude runs inside my neighbor's house. They ask me if I'm good, they go inside and ask him. He's refusing medical care or to speak with anyone. Then the police come. The officers had been here before, two officers both named Martinez. The lighter colored one has a penchant for fine kraft beer and we've chatted at length before as he's visited me multiple times (thanks to her).

They ask what happened, I tell them the story from the morning. They tell me they can't do anything about the fact that a "hitman" was brought to my house to try to fuck me up, because he's a guest of the other neighbors and since he doesn't want to come out and talk to them they can't go in and get him. Unless, I place him under private citizen's arrest and press battery charges to which he can do the same (since they can't fully be sure of what I'm accusing since they didn't see it and there's no proof to present). So we both go to jail tonight and there's no definitive proof beside he said she said that this fucker tried to stomp me. I'm pretty sure it was bullshit, but I realize now that it wasn't (hence why the guy ran inside so quickly and wanted to fight on the sidewalk).

So, with weary hearts, the officers tell me the only other option is de-escalation and returning to our homes.

Fuck it, it's done, homie isn't gonna want more I think.They leave, back home we all go.

I go back outside to the driveway a couple minutes later. Cholo McCholo and neighbors are outside looking for keys (which may or may not have fallen out of Cholo's pants in the tussle and came into my possession somehow).

So, I'm taking glory pics of the blood (won't post, sorry) and looking for a ring (a nice excuse for why I'm there) and Cholo approaches me again saying,

"You're a punk using them brass knuckles"

"No sir, twas all hand"

I try to talk to the guy and catch his motives, ask him why he's coming to another man's house to fight him for no reason. He brings up disrespect again. I tell him 1/70th of the shit I've dealt with regarding "respect" and my neighbors, and he has a silent thinking moment...which is immediately interrupted by my neighbor, "Don't listen to him Paulie, makin' me out like I'm wrong and shit"

This bitch could use a mouth stapling someday.

So I start walking up the driveway again, and he gets in my face (apparently he started feeling small).

I told him he doesn't want any.

He gestures a gun with his hand, air cocks it and goes "pew" in my face.

I smirk.

He paces to my left, swings on me. Caught the punch. Obviously a drunk man now with a concussion isn't going to be landing anything except his ass on the floor.

Now I'm angry again. So I'm snarling, flexing, and clinching my fists by my sides and I start towards him.
As I'm about to get in his face, he starts backing up quick

I get defused.

He steps to the side, takes off a fresh jacket he changed into for dramatic effect (his shirt was a pile of blood), and seems to want to go again. So I adjust my pants and put my knuckles up and I tell him "Let's go mother fucker, right now, on the lawn, I'm gonna show you what a real fight with me means."

"Let's go mother fucker, right now, on the lawn, I'm gonna show you what a real fight with me means."

I mean really I'm a pacifist, but fuck man enough is enough. My neighbor pulls him back into house, and that's a good fucking choice lady.

About twenty minutes later I hop the gate behind my house, run around to my block, toss the keys any random place.
Now the cops explicitly said don't bother each other.

Before I tossed keys, homeboy starts knocking my door ( I had to jump the driveway gate to get to my door) and is asking about his keys.

I rang P.D, fuck that I'm done scrappin'. They come, tell them I tossed keys, they help him find them, it's over he's gone.

I called my Pops, and told him about it. My Pops runs in less than reputable circles at times, and is pretty damn vicious. He shows up at 3:00 A.M in my driveway in an all white Rolls-Royce, a white suit, and a black trench-coat. He had his knife-blade walking stick (blade screws and pulls out) and he was strapped too. He checked up on us, made sure I was good, told me he'll handle any escalation. My family is bizarre.

All in all, I really, really wish that didn't happen. It was terrifying for my family, against my codes and ethics, and just not a good time.

But sometimes you have to defend yourself.
So be prepared.

Since then, I'm proud to say my neighbor has been evicted by management. My new neighbors are awesome. =)

tl;dr: My neighbor hates me, called someone to fight me, fucked him up instead, she got the boot.