A Rude AwakeniningsteemCreated with Sketch.

in writing •  8 months ago

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A Rude Awakening
Although the time was mine as free will would have it... it was a tangle of sorts.

There’s no doubt in my mind that it was me and I knew it. Willingly in a conscious state, I rendered myself to a tortures loop. This happened for hours and hours at a time. Sometimes it felt like minutes had gone by, but even in my conscious state I had no concept of time. Although the time was mine as free will would have it! It was a tangle of sorts completely unorthodox, but dismiss any ideas of it being a mess. A ledger may seem messy to a child, but for the mere reason that it is aesthetically complicated. Either way what use cases would a child have with a ledger? Every action was tied down to the next reaction and so forth. It was ... eloquent. For any fashion of art it was drawn out as a masterpiece. I ran loop after loop with the option to stop, but I didn’t stop. I would repeat the loop in reverse! Focusing detail by details in a very fluid matter, an elegant dance of sorts but it was simply a distraction of time. As I got to the start again, which would be the end of that loop, I would have the option to stop again... but I didn’t. I couldn’t stop just yet! That was number two. I still had count of time in a timeless world. I knew it wasn’t time yet.

It’s quite paradoxical the whole thing. I speak of free will in a possessive matter, yet I describe the experience as a tortures loop filled with glamorous details. Lucid in my dreams I am, but as fun as that sounds conscious in my thoughts I lay. I don’t stop the loop after the first, second, or third go about, because I know it’s not time to wake up yet. I try to focus on the details to slow down time in the dream world and speed up time in the natural world. As long as I have count it’s usually an indicator that much time has not gone by or at least not the eight or even six hours that my body needs to rest. I search for distractions in the lucid world but it is obvious that my mind is well focus and determined to finish the loop. It’s complete insanity for a short period of time, but sometimes it’s the whole night.

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Something I want you to understand is that just like the natural world in which we have “free will”, it comes with certain statues of limitation and the same applies to the lucid world. Therefore certain behaviors in the lucid world that run loops around your mind, limiting your free will, are usually reflected in the natural world in some sort of way, shape, or form.
In this certain experience I did not reach a state of autopilot, in which my consciousness fades away into an abyss and I get to be sedate like the rest of the world in my time zone. I also did not reach the level of free will to escape my source code and enter a land of fantasy that makes me forget about time enabling me to actually go on an adventure of sorts as most people often do, but rarely recollect. I was suck between phases, which lead to me waking up every 30 to 90 minutes in hopes to see the crack of dawn. So I would go back to sleep and the same dream would repeat. This isn’t always the case but it was tonight. It’s a little insane because I always go in thinking it will be different. Maybe I can break the pattern, maybe I can do something to change the final outcome. I search for details that might have not been there before. Doors that we’re left closed. Trials and paths that were left untraveled. Order and time is a tricky thing to keep track of as certain paths and doors just reset the loop. Remember being still is the status quo, but time stops for no one and in this distorted world it was me verse time.

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very beautiful story and picture bryguy

With love

harj : ) xoxo
Abstract artist

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Much appreciated feed back
Thank you !

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Thank you! bryguy would be great to get your interpretion on my last art post called "Kurtd Cobain" your insight would help us : )

With love

harj : ) xoxo
Abstract artist

such thoughts come in our mid when are alone,

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I think it’s fascinating how we can be surrounded by people, but still be alone in the same bed, room, class, street, city, ... etc.

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we come alone and we will leave this world alone , sad but true