The formating left a lot to be desired. It made it very difficult to read. I am going to re-format the story part and try to make it easier on the eyes in another comment, You can then decide if you want to edit your above post sith it. I do not know if the above was intentional or accidental formatting.

Your story is good, and should be easier for people to read.

I don't know if I got the paragraph breaks right an I really am not an editor, but it is a bit easier to read. Let me know if you would like me to delete it or edit this post out.