Polarized Poetry - Difficult Times

Hello again. Hope you're doing good out there!
I have another spoken word/poem/song thingy to share.

I posted the text of this one on Facebook somewhere around a year ago(Pretty sure it was last Winter), I'm not sure if I posted it on steem or not... And... This one is a bit negative/dark as well, but, is the last negative/dark sort of poem for this spoken word album. I have only three more after this to post and they're all generally pretty positive in my opinion.

This is probably the most sad and hopeless poem I've ever wrote in regard to my own life and it was when I was at some of my lowest.
However, things have changed a lot since then. And... It's been a long time since I've felt like that.

I'm not saying I never will feel like this again, but, for the time being I feel like I have learned to look at the world in a "healthier" way.
I still think artwork like this is important though, I listened to similar music and lyrics when I was sad.

And... I just want to make it clear or to point out or emphasize that...
Even at some of my darkest moments... I still had the wherewithal to try to make the end of the poem one that had some kind of hope to it.
As sad as this poem might be, there is hope at the end of it.

For anyone wondering why I was so sad, I think the main reason is because of Amanda's passing... She's the first woman I fell in love with and she was only 21 years old when she left this world... It just fucked me up massively and I think I will always be a bleeding heart about that, yet... I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad. So, I try for both her and myself.

I just don't understand and probably never will why I'm still here and she's not. For quite a few years I wanted to die because of that solely.
Though, in recent years and around when the poem was created... I do think there's an extra element there of other factors going on as well like not having as much money as I'd like, being rejected by the other women I fell for, the facing of one's mortality involved with getting older and also things outside of my personal life like what's happening to others in unjust negative ways around the world in war zones or who are starving and animal abuse and damage to the environment and the state of the world in general and things like that... It just all combined together to make me extremely depressed, and it all does still bother me... But, I'm loving/forgiving myself more and loving/forgiving others more and... It helps.

When I say in the poem "I never found a place I feel like I belong"... I used to tend to exaggerate and act like a drill instructor towards myself when I was depressed and angsty as I've mentioned before and I think I meant that in a long term romantic relationship sense, like having a family and kids and a place of my own... Because I love where I live, Sedona is amazing. I also realize I have some great family and friends who are loving and who care about me and I appreciate that deeply and I'm glad I'm still here. :)

There's been a lot of good memories and experiences I never would have had if I gave up.
And I've learned to look at the world in a more optimistic and positive way where I don't feel that incessant dread anymore...

One of the main things that helped me was to find a deeper self love and also as corny as it sounds I started saying positive things to myself whenever I would say negative ones and I think that really helped balance out my internal language a lot.

There's more to the story of how I significantly solved my depression, and I've talked about it in the past and will talk about it more, though, this is getting kind of long so let's move on to the poem.

However, real quick I do want to say before we get to the poem that if you want to know more about how I improved my depression feel free to message me and if you're ever feeling down or depressed yourself and you feel like you need or really want someone to talk to... Feel free to message me and I'll talk to you when I have the time and am able to. And... If you are going through hard/dark times... My heart goes out to you and I hope things improve for you!

Oh, one last thing about the spoken word thing... My voice breaks numerous times which is kind of frustrating to me, yet... I was genuinely depressed when I performed this and I don't want to try to enter that mind state again very much, so... I feel like I'd rather just put out the vocals where I was genuinely depressed than try to do it now when I'm not, even if there are some "flaws" or "mistakes" or whatever... It is what it is I guess.
Thanks for reading/listening if you did. Peace.

Lyrics will be below and a link to the audio as well.

"Difficult Times"

Why am I still alive?
I'm so exhausted, sometimes I wish I could die.
Such a hopeless cause, sometimes I wish I could fly.
Right off of a cliff into another life.
I'd like to meet Kevorkian so he could put a fork in me just right.
Put an end to me and send me on my way into the night.
Into the darkness, floating away so light.
I put up a good fight, now I want to say goodbye.
For some reason I still hold on though and I don't know why.
I'm not very sure and I'm not very strong.
Never found a place I feel like I belong.
Never found a place I don't feel lost.
Never found my way, why can't I just be gone?
I don't want to be here anymore, so...
Why can't I go fall asleep in the snow?
Why can't I go be where she went to go?
That must be my home, forever destined to be alone.
Sorry I've been so sad, I didn't mean to be this bad.
I wanted to be better, except I guess I wasn't that clever... With a mind too fettered.
I was unable to get it together.
Damn this is tough, my head is too fucked up.
Got into a rut, got stuck.
My body is following in suit, my fate seems like it is to lose.
I can't seem to win and I can't even begin to describe the thoughts that reside in my mind, since...
It's too difficult when it makes me cry.
Why God oh why, why, why...
Why God oh why, why, why...
Not that I even believe in God the way many do, it's more of an expression so to speak.
There's so much else I wanted to do and be...
I have a whole list of places I'd love to visit that I'll probably never see.
It's weird how I think I'm such a failure, yet so many say such nice things.
I can't quit yet, I can't quit yet, I can't quit yet...
Somehow I have to reach inside and get a hold of myself.
Somehow I have to pull up from this hell.
Somehow, somehow, except I don't know how.
But... Somehow I need pull up from this hell.
Somehow I have to overcome my doubt.
Somehow, somehow, somehow I need to overcome my doubt and work some of these things out.