Journal From a Submariner XVII

DATE 12SEP10, TIME 2249
As I close my rack curtain I enter my own world. I am no longer on the boat; I am in my safe haven. I was watching Lost tonight and I literally got lost. I was so into the TV show I forgot where I was. I really wish I could do that forever, well at least while I’m down here. I was laying down in the dark, my laptop glowing on my face drowning out all my peripherals, and totally entrancing me. I was sucked into a fantasy world of a group of strangers who were in a plane crash. I basically forgot reality for a little while. But of course I was sucked out of that fantasy world in an instant. Harbin came by my rack, “White, White, they need you to go back to maneuvering and troubleshoot a laptop.” I can’t wait to not have to eat, sleep and live submarines.
I can’t wait to wake up in the morning, look out a window and see the sunrise. I can’t wait to eat food that I want, healthy or unhealthy, and real milk. I want to run outside in the early morning. I am going to start waking up an hour early and running.
I don’t know what is going on in your world right now; all I know is, not knowing, is driving me crazy. I don’t want you to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t want you hanging out with three guys; especially since we never had the time to do the things you have been doing. I never got a month of leave from the boat when I didn’t even have to think about this place. Therefore, I was always too drained to ever do any of those things.
Going to watch a sunset in Hawaii, you and I haven’t done that together yet, and you’re doing it without me as I write this. I don’t know if you went with the guys, or by yourself, but either way it makes me sad.
I will never go on another deployment; this shit is not for me, or you in that matter. I will email you tomorrow to tell you how I feel about you hanging out with them while I am gone. I need to talk to you on the phone. I know you are going to take my email the wrong way, but I have to do it.
I am going crazy out here, I have been dreaming every night again, and that is not normal for me. I know, weird, right? I like it though. It put the fun back into sleeping. I’m not just going to sleep to get out of this hellhole, but now I’m going to sleep to dream something out of this world. I forgot how much excitement you can have in a dream, and how random and crazy they can be.
Love you, forever and always, love babe.