YOUR PENIS IS ALL YOU NEED

You wake up in the morning with your penis and go to bed at night with it. Your penis is your most prized possession. It is what makes you a man. It is the ultimate symbol of your masculinity. So you can saunter into the street with your head held high, you can go anywhere and do anything you like because you have a penis.

Your penis puts you in charge of all situations. You have no compassion for those who were not born with a penis. They all have to obey and submit to you. So you might find yourself in a room filled with bright and intelligent women who are more educated and more enlightened than you but when you stand up and make a statement, they must all listen to, obey and accept your opinion even though you are as dumb as a rock, because you have a penis and they have none.

Your penis has a mind of its own, you can barely control it. It can set you on fire and bring you down to earth. Your penis rages it's head when it sees an exceptionally beautiful woman on skirts, gowns, shorts or trousers. The sight of a nude woman makes it go haywire. It stands at attention and would not let you rest until you introduce it to her.

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There are days that you finally meet that crush of yours, the day you get in close proximity to her, your penis becomes restless. You beg and plead with it to calm down.

"Please stop this. You are embarrassing me, calm down" You whisper to it.

"No, I like her! I want to get inside her right now!" Your penis replies.

It could be such a difficult situation for you. Things get worse when she gives you a hug. She would notice that your penis is in charge.

Your penis wields huge influence on you. It takes over your mind and does the thinking for you. It makes you expend all your resources on chasing members of the opposite sex. You feel the intense desire to get into them at all costs. You feel the need to announce to them how long your penis is. You know they like a long penis. No woman should resist your advances, how can they say NO to you? They don't know what they are missing! They have to say Yes to you.

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Sometimes you wonder what the world would be without your penis, you can't imagine such a world. Therefore when you get to public places with large crowds, E.g, marketplaces, you occasionally reach out to touch it to ascertain it is still there with you. You decline handshakes and hugs from people in such places. You don't want to fall victim to the greatest misfortune that can ever befall any man; the disappearance of the penis.

Your penis gives you the license to urinate at any place, most especially at the roadside. Anybody who complains about your action is suffering from penis envy.

Your penis puts you at the top. You can get elected to any position just because you have a penis. Your political philosophy is that only people with a penis should lead any group, organisation, institution, state and country. You can't understand why a woman should harbour the thought of leading when there are men with penises in large supply. So you would fight and actively campaign against any woman seeking for an elective office. It is your God-ordained duty to ensure that only people with penises are allowed to hold public offices.

Your penis should ideally be your best friend but there are times it lets you down and makes you sad. When you have finally lured the woman you have been chasing for years into your bed, your penis refuses to rise to the occasion. You beg and plead with it to no avail. You promise it Coldstone ice-cream, Dominos pizza, a trip to Las Vegas and even a visit to the White house but the stubborn organ remains adamant. You become the subject of scorn and ridicule.

However, to avoid such calamity, you take all sort of drugs to put your penis to work. You eat and drink herbal concoctions, you even rub lotions and creams to fire up your penis. You don't care about the health implications, you don't care if that is the route to your death, you only care about the effective performance of your penis.

There comes a time when your penis sees a woman it loves. You marry this woman and promise to spend the rest of your life only with her. But in few weeks time, your penis takes over your brain and you find running after other women everywhere you go. You become a serial cheat and liar. You can't take responsibility for your action because it is not your fault! Your penis is responsible for your behaviour and it is frustrating that people do not understand this simple truth.

As you grow older and as the years roll by, your penis becomes weak and inactive, so on gloomy days, you sit down with it and over some bottles of beer, you both reminisce about the good old days of glory. When you die, you die a fulfilled man, and on your tombstone, the inscription will read: "Herein lies a great man who put his penis to active use during his days on earth. May his penis and his soul rest in peace.

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