Boss, I can't come to work today. I woke up this morning on time and began to get ready but I slipped in the shower and I didn't think I hit my head that hard but I no bs, just saw my cat flip me off. I rubbed my eyes because I thought I was hallucinating, But when I opened my eyes he had a butterfly knife he was twirling around. Then, and I know this sounds weird but he said to me "It's time you and I had a little talk. It's been a while since you've bought me some canned cat food. To be honest the only reason I've allow you to live this long is because I don't have opposable thumps and can't open the cans." Of course I was terrified, I didn't know cats could talk let alone twirl a butterfly knife without a thumb. 

He continued "Now, it would be a shame if some sort of accident was to happen to you. I suggest you get to the store real soon before someone removes those little ducks from your tub and you have another "tragic accident". (Now I know what you are thinking, but yes he really did the air quotes while holding a knife.) With a flourish he closed the butterfly knife and calmly sauntered out of the bathroom. 

So anyways boss, what I am saying is, either I hit my head hard and I need to lay down, or I need to run to the store so my cat doesn’t kill me, either way I am sorry but I don’t think I am going to be able to make it in today. I am really sorry, thank you for understanding.