Mastering the Interview

Interviewing can be stressful.

Perhaps not quite as stressful as being interrogated by Nazi toadies, or as stressful as being pulled aside by the TSA at the airport – because they smell something funny, something weird, emanating from your backpack. But, it's still pretty maddening and one wonders why one does it – to get a job? - perhaps ...

I've interviewed plenty of times, and I can tell you there are secrets, techniques, to winning that job – but they are not obvious, and one must be wary of giving out this secret knowledge. These ancient, eldritch, methods are handed down from the Celtic times of my people in Ireland – where “interviewing”, per se, was dangerous. Back then, you weren't just interviewing for your job – you were trying to avoid being burnt at the stake for being a witch, so you had to be good. YOU WERE INTERVIEWING FOR YOUR LIFE!

Don't get suckered! Lots of folks will give you the “top ten mistakes” or the “top five ways to impress” - that's mostly crap. You don't need that BS, you need solid advice, from a top-level performer like myself, so here goes:

1. Be the person who always smiles

Smiling is how you tell the world you are HERE and ready to be SOUL-WELCOMING! A smile is a glow-message of joy-energy and a smile will entrance and command the room. Don't be stingy with your smile – the bigger and grinnier the smile, the better. If the other folks are frowning, don't frown! (smile)

Sure - smiling for no reason, in many cultures, is considered a sign of madness or stupidity. My Russian teacher from my university days (and she was actually Ukrainian) told me that in Kiev if a person walked around smiling that person was considered insane. But this is America and we are all insane or stupid – so smile big and wide.

2. Don't pick your nose

I know – it scratches. It will only itch more as the hour (or multi-hour) interview progresses; just don't pick your nose. If you do pick your nose, try to do it in such a way that your interviewer won't notice. Like, say, "Sir, I'm not feeling well, may I go to the lavatory ..." - this won't look good, but it is better than picking your nose in front of them.

A more interesting question is this - what if your interviewer (or interviewers) pick their nose? Well - that's a tough one ... In general, I do not feel such acts are mere chance but rather a rope-a-dope, subterfuge, to see if you might do the same. Just don't pick your nose.

3. Try not to bring up the fact you read ZEROHEDGE

Crazy people read ZEROHEDGE, sane people read the WSJ or NYT or People. This is what you must accept. Sure - most of these folks know the deal, and at night go home and read ZEROHEDGE just like you, alone, in their basements, but you really shouldn't tell them you do (that means you're one of "those" people).

Tell them you read the NYT and watch CNBC and believe that "Rachel Maddow is quite funny and intelligent". Tell them that you enjoy NPR and "Talk of the Nation" and that you are certain that this time, this millionth time, monetary debasement will help the Japanese economy - don't mention how many recessions Japan has been in during the last 20 years, this will not help you.

Just don't talk about anything tangible or real, that's the best advice. Talk about hiking, fishing, World of Warcraft, and how you've now become a 45th level mage with invisibility spells and crap. Talk about that deflated football, and how lame it was - wasn't it? That's the best advice.

And monetary policy discussions, ceterus paribus, is a NO-NO – just keep that stuff to yourself!

4. If they ask you what kind of car you drive, DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT THE 1980 FORD ECONOLINE BLACK UTILITY VAN WITH NO WINDOWS IN THE BACK AND CORRUGATED STEEL SEPARATING THE DRIVER FROM THE PASSENGER IN THE BACK WHERE THERE ARE NO DOOR HANDLES AND THE SLIDING DOOR IS WELDED SHUT!

Don't talk about that van. The less you mention about that van the better. Sure, one or two times out of a hundred your interviewer owns a similar van - but really, you just shouldn't bring it up even if they ask you what kind of car you drive.

Tell them you drive a PRIUS - that will shut them up.

5. Don't talk about “Denver”

This one should be easy - but these days it's not. We all know what you mean when you say "Denver" and no one needs to know, so just keep your yap shut. I know, you want to believe you live in a "free country", but you don't. You live in a nation where Corrections Corporation of America is one of the few businesses doing well, financially. This is a hint - don't mention "Denver".

6. Don't fart

There are foods to avoid prior to an interview - and, if it is an interview that starts early in the morning, then you shouldn't eat at all. Drink some Gatorade or some water - any food that you eat, when nervous, runs the risk of becoming a green, sticky, vaporous gas that will be smelled and felt on the skin. So probably you shouldn't eat at all, even drinking Gatorade might be too much.

7. Show up 3 minutes late

3 minutes late is MAGICAL! It means "you care enough to be there" but "you know you're worth it and they should respect that". Don't give an excuse or say "sorry I'm late" - but make sure it is exactly 3 minutes. 5 minutes late means you are either always tardy or hold the interviewers in disdain, and showing up early? - please.

NEVER SHOW UP EARLY!

Showing up early for an interview means you're one of "those people" - someone whose life hasn't really been great since 2008. Nobody who has a job, a career, and is still above water wants to know about you. They would prefer there was a "place" people like you could be sent - but they will never admit it. Just don't show up early. It means you are desperate, sad, pathetic.

3 minutes late is the ticket!

8. If they ask you to read a verse from the ancient LATIN vulgate bible – wing it

This is more from the ancient Celtic lore surrounding the "interview", and may not apply to your typical business-employment interview today. During the early middle ages, also known as the "dark ages", folks would be judged guilty or not based on their ability to read from the bible - the bible, at that time, was only available in Latin (ancient Latin). Of course - the poor, of almost every epoch, were/are illiterate and this is by design. So, if you were poor, there was very little chance you could read Latin (let alone ancient Latin) and that meant you were going to be burned.

But it turns out many of your judges were/are illiterate too - or at least a fairly significant proportion. So memorize a few lines of ancient biblical Latin verse and simply look to the heavens - in a haughty kind of way - and make it look like you are reading from the text. This might work - and could be the thing that sets you apart from the other folks awaiting their "interview".

Conclusion:

We are all expected to be perfect.

You must be happy, because not being happy means you are sad - and nobody likes a sad-sack.

The interview process is grueling, but that is also THE OPPORTUNITY, THE CHALLENGE, you must confront. Every interview steals a portion of your soul and that piece can never be gotten back - but this too is by design. We live in a soulless age, and it is the psychopath that succeeds today - not the warm-hearted mammal who can empathize with others. Empathy is not valued, but having an X-Box and driving a PRIUS are definitely well thought of.

You can succeed at this interview!

YOU ARE A WINNER!