How an "idyllic" life caused me to feel guilt and shame for wanting something more (or, less depending on the glass)

Do you ever feel guilty for feeling the way you do?

Do you judge yourself based on what you think others will think of you?

Do you question your own thoughts and feelings based on the thoughts and feelings of others?

I have.
That's where this post comes from. I felt a constant cloud of shame for wanting something else. I felt guilty for not being happy with my life the way it is because I know many people look at it, and wish they had it.

But here's me. Here's how I feel, not anyone else. This is what happened for me, when I put all that aside and let my inner voice shine bright:

They say home is where your heart is... This is something I have been struggling with for a little over 3 years now as I have not really had anywhere to call ‘home’ while I've been traveling. (This is a picture of my momma visiting me in Belize for Christmas in 2015)

Of course for me- when I think of ‘home’ it is and always will be mum’s place back in Canada, where my room sits set up the same way it was when I was an angsty teenager in high school; I know exactly where all of my stuff is and I can come back to the same familiar space anytime and sink back into that feeling of comfort. But the thing is I haven’t been ‘home’ in so long that it’s starting to feel… distant and that distance breaks my heart.

Marrying the man I chose to has led me into years of adventure and exploration around this beautiful globe of ours.

We've only ever stayed put for a couple of months at a time max (2.5 months of that was in this camper van.)

At some point my womanly instincts or whatever it may be, started to want... no... demand a life change.

At first, when we started out this whole travel-the-world-thing we were just window shopping, out and about without our wallets, observing all of the options available to us without any thought of commitment. I would stare into windows, lustfully fantasizing over the contents but they would always be too far out of reach... never a reality for me.

Over time (as freeing as it is to be tied to nothing, no-one and nowhere) life started to pull on strings in my mind and deep in my heart. Along came confusion and this strong... repugnant sense of dissatisfaction. I became more and more unwilling to travel, to move around so hastily, to see all of the lists of things to see... everywhere, non-stop, never-ending. I hated myself for it. I told myself so many times how lucky I was and what an ungrateful, spoiled brat I was being (a lot of judgment.)

I couldn't even talk to anyone about this because everyone I am close to tells me how much they envy my life! How they wish they were me! How they want to get out of their comfort zones and see some new places, meet some new people, try some new food... It left me feeling isolated, completely cut off and empty inside.

At this moment, my phone has recorded 143 cities that I've been to. I only turned on this app last summer in August! Like I said, I am beyond grateful to have gotten to see all that I have and experienced everything I have but I just feel an intense urge to have my clothes in a drawer! Maybe I am just getting older, maybe this is just a fleeting feeling... I'm not a fortune teller...

But...

I'm happy to say this story has a happy twist as times have changed. I told myself to stop giving a &^%$ about what anyone else thinks, about what I should feel or shouldn't feel and I just made a damn decision for myself.

Last month, we settled into our new home in Bali. After hours (probably more like days) of crying, wailing, kicking and screaming, my efforts have been heard. My prayers have been answered and we finally feel (at least for now) that we have found the place for us to lay some roots, to kick back, to plant some seeds, unpack our bags and buy kitchen appliances.
(Here is a view from my bed, it makes my morning so much brighter.)

In my deepest desires, I have been looking for somewhere where I feel safe, comfortable, relaxed, happy... home. Somewhere where I know my neighbours, where I have friends, where I can grow my own food!

I have finally found this place and I am only here because I decided to allow myself to be.

Here is a place where all of the nuances of me feel appreciated, where the weirdness I would be accused of is accepted, where I can finally be me and even more than that, finally be able to find out who she really is. We live in a harsh world of judgment and being able to be me can be really hard sometimes. I judge myself too much, I worry about what other people think and feel and I have a habit of putting others needs before mine. Not here, here I love myself.

A new me needed to be born and I'm feeling as much at home here as possible without my friends and family. Luckily I have an understanding partner who for one of the first times in our relationship agrees with me on this and is hearing me, and has helped me gain this space.

Part of me still can't believe that I have received this gift after so long turmoiling over it. This magical place has opened its heart to us and I'm so excited to just be here, be present, take it in and love it while it lasts. This in many ways seems like the most crazy adventure yet! Yay, I have somewhere to call home! ♥