RE: Just One of Those Customers – wewrite freewrite – Week #7
Nice development. I enjoyed your straight forward, a matter of fact narrative style. Very different from the hint throwing prompt style.
As I see it, the prompt allowed for only two extensions: either it was a drug adict or a robot. In your case, the organization was very sound, except maybe for two little moments.
Why would a private investigator work in a cafe as a waitress? This moment wasn't explained. Maybe she was working on some case undercover.
Secondly, the prompt threw a hook "The Charged Up Cafe". The man in a suit, apparently dazed and confused from the lack of "charge" saw this sign and came to be charged up. In your development, you also don't address it. Sure enough, why addressing it if you can make the subject dead or unconscious. But it's like cutting off the limb, like multiplication on a zero. )))
That and the fact that the ending was kind of anticlimactic. Ok, the police investigator was happy that the he'd be able to interrogate the subject and? It needs one more sentence to give it an overall perspective of a sort.
Other than that it was enjoyable to read.
Cheers!
You bring up some good points. It is kind of silly for someone who is a private eye to work as a waitress. I explained in a reply to an earlier comment asking the same thing, that her investigating gig wasn't bringing in much income. So it's sort of a fall-back until things pick up kind of job.
I could have fleshed that out in the story, but I've always been trying to keep these wewrites to around 500 words, so some things, I just leave to the reader's imagination if it's not that consequential to the story itself. I try to keep them to around 500 words because this is something that's a bit difficult for me when I'm writing a story, and I see a lot of writing contests enforce a 500 word limit. So it's practice also.
The ending - I was experimenting a bit. I wasn't intending the reader to focus on Chuck being happy to hear the information; my vision was for the reader to focus on and wonder what the information is that she's discovered from the port. So that didn't work out as I'd planned, lol.
I left the ending totally open thinking if someone wanted, they could take the story on its next "phase." But it's not a proper good ending for a story, for sure!
I thank you for your critique of the piece and your questions. They're very helpful and I appreciate it very much! :)