Before and After the Before and After

I am a middle- aged woman working through depression, anxiety, and the greatest adventures of my life. Yes raising a family and all the things in the “before” made great stories but this is a blog about the “before” me and the “after” me learning to get along so I can be the real me.

The real me is moody! Not in a mean or short or rude way (usually) just in a happy, sad, fulfilled, unfulfilled, bored, overwhelmed kind of way. My mom likes to call it weird. Truth is the “after” me gets triggered by stuff that happened to the “before” me so the Real me has anxiety and PTSD.

I’ve tried all kinds of things over the years to try and remain a bit more stable. One of the big ones is diet and exercise. I was once very heavy. I am not now (Side note for anyone on a weight loss journey…losing weight will not make you happy…you will be able to wear cute clothes right off the rack while your being a hot mess though).

My split of “before” and “after” is not related to the weight per say. Its related to the breakdown that came after losing the weight and no longer being able to hide. I couldn’t go back to self-medicating with cheeseburgers and, while I considered and even toyed with the other options, I decided that alcohol and sex were not great options either.

Letting go of all addictions and standing in your own fear, shame, heart break, and all the other stuff life gives you is not easy. So before, is before I decided I wouldn’t kill myself, and after was the next second. So now I just stand in the real. I find humor where I can and I try to love me!