How did you know?
(I just want everyone to know that my cats were trying to sleep on my keyboard throughout the process of writing this story. It’s a miracle I ever finished.)
“How did you know?”
This is a question I often get from strangers, friends, and family members. I came out at the ripe age of 13 years old. I was one of the first in my grade to start telling people. I got a mixture of reactions from my peers, luckily none were necessarily negative. At the time I had no experience dating girls, however, I felt confident that I was in fact a lady lovin’ lady. So why did that question always throw me for a loop?
There’s no definite way to prove to yourself that you’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Most people find this frustrating and it can make you feel insecure about your identity. I know that’s how it made me feel as a middle schooler trying to navigate the world. The only method that I’ve found to work 100% is the look within yourself. Ask questions. And realize that the pressure surrounding you to figure this all out is coming from yourself. It’s okay to not know for sure. It’s okay to second-guess yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself, friend. It’ll be okay.
Seeing as looking within myself is how I figured everything out, my top three reasons might not apply to everyone. Hopefully, you can find something from my experiences that will help you. Below are my three reasons:
Childhood experiences + memories.
Genres of movies, general interests, and friendships.
Dating.
There are many signs from my childhood that helped me get over my uncertainty. A lot of those signs I barely remember or didn’t find any significance in until after I came out. I just thought I was being a kid with a weird imagination at the time. Now I think I knew without actually knowing if that makes sense. I know some of you feel the same way.
I was a tomboy from the womb. I still am to this day. I wouldn’t describe myself as masculine, but I’m definitely not feminine. I hated dresses, the color pink, makeup, and playing with dolls (puke!). Anything that I deemed as “girly” was a no go for me. As a baby, I would tell my mom to stop “pushing her pink on me.” I preferred to play with my older brother and his toy guns. We would role-play as soldiers, fighting to survive so that one day we could go home to our wives and kids. Every time I played pretend, I’d always end up playing as a man.
Here’s an example:
At the age of 7-8, I shared my first kiss with a girl. We used to play house a lot and in this particular scenario, my bestfriend and I had to get married. I was the groom and she was the bride, of course, I remember standing on top of the bed, surrounded by my stuffed animals. We asked my older brother to officiate the wedding. And when he declared us man and wife, I leaned in for the kiss to make it final. You can imagine his surprised expression, eyebrows raised, and mouth agape. Even I was surprised when I gave her a quick peck on the lips. (Before you say anything, I did ask for her permission beforehand.)
The next day my best friend and I swore to never tell a soul. Then she moved away a year later and barely visited after that. You could say it was a pretty ugly divorce. Very tragic.
(Not as tragic as me having a mental breakdown because my cats kept interrupting my flow, but still.)
This didn’t hold any significance to me until after I came out. Looking back it makes sense that I would pretend to be a man. Growing up I didn’t have any LGBTQ+ influences. The first time I heard the word homosexual was on the Ellen show. I remember asking my mom what the word meant, and how she paused before answering.
“It means that she likes dating girls,” she finally said.
I made a face at that, “That’s weird.”
Women dating women? The idea never occurred to me before. I didn’t even think that was an option. I never asked again but the thought always found its way back into my mind.
I believe our childhoods have a part to play in who we are as adults. My childhood was relatively happy, I wasn’t exposed to the internet and was allowed to just be a kid. So despite not being exposed to the media or having any sort of lesbian/gay influences, I chose to play as someone married to a woman. Given I did pretend to be a man in order to have a pretend wife, but I chalk that down to me not realizing that I could be a woman with a wife. And for me, that reason alone provided me with enough comfort to go on to tell my mom that I’m a lesbian.
Some of you don’t have signs from your childhood to help you conclude that you’re LGBTQ+. That’s okay because that’s not a concrete way to figure yourself out. My second way is to look at your favorite movies, general interests, and even friendships. Do you like music by openly LBGTQ+ creators? Would you watch a movie/Tv show if the only thing you knew about it is that the main character is gay? Do you have a lot of LGBTQ+ friends?
Watching or listening to something based on it involving someone that is LGBTQ+ is a pretty good sign that you might be a part of the community. Or you watch something because you think that person, who happens to be the same gender, is attractive. Again, that’s a pretty good sign.
I mentioned general interests, but I don’t entirely like this point for how broad it is. You could be a straight man and draw naked bodies of men. You could enjoy writing from the point of view of a bisexual and not be even the slightest bit gay. However, if you’re already questioning your sexuality, then it’s safe to consider these things as the inner you coming out. And that it could mean that you’re not straight.
My next point is your friendships. Whether you mean to or not, usually you attract people that are like you in some way. There’s a quote that goes,
“Who and what we surround ourselves with is who and what we become.” - Karen Marie.
I believe this to be true. If you surround yourself with people with a negative mindset, you may find yourself being pessimistic. If you’re surrounded by hard-working people, you may be inspired to work hard. If you’re surrounded by gays/lesbians, you’re probably curious about being gay/lesbian.
My last point is about dating. I’m going to start with a story about my first…boyfriend? I know I know, this sounds counter-productive but please bear with me. I know a handful of you sapphic sisters have had the pleasure (or lack thereof) to experience having a boyfriend. I’m one of those lucky gals. You know what? I don’t regret it. I’m grateful for it. It was a very eye-opening experience.
Just to paint you a picture of our relationship, it all began because of a middle school game of truth or dare.
We met in one of our classes in the 6th grade and quickly became best friends. Of course, nobody thought we were just friends. (Que the peer pressure.) Every day someone just had to ask if we were dating. Or they told us that we should date. Even our mutual friends would ask us periodically why we weren’t dating. I have to admit, I’d never felt so connected to a boy before then. But when it came down to dating the guy, it just felt so wrong. As if you were trying to force two puzzle pieces together.
Anyways, as you already know, we ended up dating despite that. We dated for 9 months and during that, I’d never held his hand willingly or shared my second kiss with him. I think we might’ve shared one very uncomfortable hug, but besides that, we were just besties. I don’t know why we continued to date. We broke up in the 7th grade and we’re still friends to this day. The whole relationship was honestly a waste of time, but I wouldn’t change anything if I could. Being able to feel how uncomfortable and wrong it felt to be with him is what eventually helped me come out to my friends.
Now we should move on to my first girlfriend and then explain the differences between each relationship for me. I’ll just keep this explanation short and sweet because that’s how the relationship was. We only dated for maybe a month max, but I knew I was heading down the right life path now. I knew her since elementary school and remember thinking she was pretty. While we were dating, I felt nervous when we would hang out. After we broke up, I made the stupid decision to continue being friends with her. Which lead me to feel jealous for the first time.
At the time it wasn’t enlightening, but after I cleared my head I realized something very important. I wouldn’t have been jealous if I was straight.
There are my three main points to how I figured out that I’m a lesbian. Again, these may not apply to you as they’re my personal experience. Hopefully, you can find some value in this since you’ve read it to the end. I have plenty more to share, so look out for a part two in the future.
And if you’re reading this now because you’re drowning in confusion. Pause. Take a breath. It’ll be okay. You have time to figure things out. Stop being so hard on yourself and pressuring yourself to have it all sorted out. Who you are is up to you to define, but that doesn’t mean you have to define yourself. Just be who you are and enjoy the ride.
Thanks so much for the reading, crew!
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